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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

999 replies

midcenturylegs · 22/04/2019 21:36

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

OP posts:
TooOldForThis67 · 24/04/2019 10:29

Marlb - Aww Flowers it's not you. I did that with MrGardener but luckily MrWow came along. Get back swiping.
lifegoes - as Eesha said, Karma will get him soon.
Eesha - Defo get more irons. If you did get a date with MrTeacher, when would you see him next when you both have issues with childcare.
Peanut - Lol and thanks. Sounds like MrUnsuitable is breadcrumbing you? Get swiping.
Never - Good call. Good luck with your next date.
Aubu - 4 times a week is really good going!
Jesuis - I'd keep the contact cool and friendly - you never know what might happen in the future.
putastraw - MrG - any sign of a meet up yet?
crust - it's working for you, that's the main thing.
kerkyra - maybe he's just being cautious?

Phew, think I've caught up, on this page at least! Lol.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 24/04/2019 10:33

Thank you shitwith and notcool my ex has tried to destroy me since I left. I think I have spent most of the last year in survival mode and probably need a cathartic cry.

Think I am going to give up old for a while and join lifegoes under her rock

lifegoes · 24/04/2019 10:37

Thanks everyone. I've contemplated telling him I know. But I'd rather let him live a strange life with a GF who Is 24 years younger than him.

What a fun immature life that will be.

MrDrummer · 24/04/2019 10:47

@Marlboroandmalbec34 People can get attached to people that are wrong for them. Hell, people can get attached to people they don't even like. Attachment is an incredibly difficult thing to break. If you are that attached (even if you think you shouldn't be), then crying constantly is only natural. Please try to be compassionate towards yourself. Flowers

@Kerkyra I did date someone about 45 mins (about 10 minutes east of the big town east-ish of you. When I was loved up it didn't seem a problem, when things had cooled it the distance was more noticeable. I would rather drive a distance with someone that was a close match/I really liked than find someone local whom was less bothered about.

vwman · 24/04/2019 10:51

@Marlboroandmalbec34 you have done nothing wrong, but perhaps you need to think about what it is that attracts you to certain types of men

I am an empath, its difficult to explain if you are not, I know and feel others emotions, I feel their vibrational energy. Women would love a man with 5% of what I am, I understand. But I am also your Prince come to rescue you from your tower, I have been attracted to damaged women thinking I could save them. Now I know I need an emotionally healthy woman because often I have tried to create relationships with narcissist or women that have become mentally abusive, if I meet someone I need to think what is it that attracts me to her and take it slow.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 24/04/2019 11:00

Thank you drummer

I know vwman I only started old in Feb and was only looking for casual. It was supposed to be fun but it’s wrecking my self worth. I want to be strong and healthy. I have had counselling due to domestic violence and my counsellor thought I was ready to dabble in dating but I don’t think I am

supercali77 · 24/04/2019 11:02

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I am so so sorry to hear the situation's got you so low. What starts out fun can so often end in a wrecking ball once feelings develop, you'd have to be an emotionally detached android for it not to happen. I've got no wise words, just virtual hugs x

Eesha · 24/04/2019 11:03

@TooOldForThis67 I think we would end up seeing each other the weekend after the bank hols!! He has his child every other weekend plus Mon and Tue whereas I'm only free weekends! I'm going to see if we continue texting and see whether there is somewhere inbetween

vwman · 24/04/2019 11:08

@Marlboroandmalbec34 repair yourself first, you are enough, every day look at the reflection of your eyes in the mirror and say out loud "I love you". ok, that is my Prince bit done

TooOldForThis67 · 24/04/2019 11:20

@Eesah - not long to go then! Could he come to yours mid-week when you child/ren are in bed? I've had to do that loads of times otherwise I'd hardly ever date.

Eesha · 24/04/2019 11:24

@TooOldForThis67 I did mean the weekend after the May day bank hols for a 1st meet. The more I think about it, the more it seems unfeasible. TBH I'd never contemplate having anyone over as kids are tiny. I think I need to move to the spinster bench!

LooUpdate · 24/04/2019 11:25

It's been about 20 hours since our date. Not looking good is it? Very depressing seeing as (warning: I'm about to sound like a bitch) he was punching above his weight (socially awkward, stutter, rotting teeth). How fucking depressing that I don't get a message.

MrDrummer · 24/04/2019 11:37

Is it normal for blokes not to be able to even say "thanks but no thanks"? Lack of common decency! :(

MrDrummer · 24/04/2019 11:37

Is it normal for blokes not to be able to even say "thanks but no thanks"? Lack of common decency! :(

Eesha · 24/04/2019 11:40

@LooUpdate maybe he got vibes that you weren't interested. I had that from someone, a thanks but no thanks message but I challenged it and we went out again.

shitwithsugaron · 24/04/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyRose88 · 24/04/2019 11:59

Looupdate maybe it is for the best if he doesn't get in touch. I know what you mean though, it is a bit galling when you get ghosted by someone who is (warning I am going to sound like a bitch too!) not in your league. I have had similar by a guy who, frankly, looked like Roland Rat Grin.

LooUpdate · 24/04/2019 12:01

What frustrates me is that he was batting above his weight yet still rejected me! That scenario has never happened before and there's a tiny part of me whispering: "Maybe you're past it; maybe you're not as awesome as you think." Yet in reality men flirt with me daily in the street, I look younger than I am, and I've got a decent career.

Gosh, you need a thick skin for this lark, don't you?

coldlocation · 24/04/2019 12:04

I spent nearly 5 months on the smitten bench...

he lead me to believe we had a future, he was the one who called me his partner, who joked about us growing old together and had told me I was the best thing in his life and that he loved me then turned up on my doorstep distressed and dishevelled (unshaven, clothes unchanged for 3 days, hair all messy) two weeks ago to end our relationship.

This was less than 24 hours after we had discussed plans for our children to meet, we had plans for summer events together, had agreed that we were 'both on the same page' and wanted everything to work out in spite of some known bumps ahead.

He said he could not see the situational stress he's under ever ending, had lost sight of what was real and what was a manifestation of his stress and could no longer see how he could ever feel the love he should for me. He had been unable to dismiss doubts that he'd previously put down to his own anxieties and negativity that morning so he came to end things.

The reasons are irrelevant, it's over, he's walked away. The abruptness of the ending has left me reeling, feeling foolish, abandoned and worthless and I'm still bursting into random fits of tears

We are no contact. He said it was a visceral thing, the spark had gone, he'd never be able to love me as he should - he said he wasn't making the decision with his head. He had lead the relationship from the start introducing my to his friends, including me in his life, fretting that I'd chuck him all the time. He cried and said he was done with relationships, he took his stuff he left to go and collapse at his parents.

I don't even know how to pick myself up this time around.....

StarryUnicorn · 24/04/2019 12:06

@LooUpdate speaking as one of the chronically socially awkward, it's possible that he feels that rejection is likely and the least hurtful option to himself is to deny the possibility by not messaging positively. Or he could be an entitled turd.

Insisting that the other person contacts you first within a timeframe which is only inside your head, is just handing them all the responsibility and power. lifegoes did not get the answer she wanted by messaging first, but she did gain knowledge and power over the situation?

LooUpdate · 24/04/2019 12:09

vwman you sound like you suffer from codependency.

shitwithsugaron · 24/04/2019 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooOldForThis67 · 24/04/2019 12:14

@coldlocation - sending (((hugs))) to you. That's awful. So he totally love bombed you and future faked you, bastard!! However, it genuinely sounds like he's going thro some personal mental torture but that's still no excuse. Had you any idea how bad things were for him? He must have covered it so well. I don't think getting swiping is going to help you so grieve for a while, love yourself and take it easy. I don't know what else to say, so sorry. Flowers

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 24/04/2019 12:14

coldlocation so sorry. Flowers

Notcoolmum · 24/04/2019 12:15

oh coldlocation I am so very sorry that your relationship has ended. It's awful how we let people into our hearts and into our lives for them to simply vanish :( Have a good old cry. Have you got support IRL? Small comfort I know but at least it happened before you children became attached to each other. But I assume he met your children, so you will also have to deal with their feelings of grief. I have been here, and it really is hard. You will get through this, even though right now that seems impossible.