DH and younger female colleague’s wats app exchange. Dodgy?

[ashamforallseasons]

Context is they have a new client in Singapore who they have been given the option to either schedule a phone meeting with or visit (at their own company’s expense.)

DH: can you do either 15,16 or 17 may in Singapore?
Colleague: yes! Exciting! Who’s coming?
DH: you and me. Have a look at the flight options and let’s make a plan. Ok?
Colleague: yes, really looking forward.
DH: cool 😎
Colleague: OK I looked. Flights are tricky. I want to get there in time to have a day and a really nice dinner that first evening as the rest will be work.
DH: Next time!
DH: Or we stay an extra night and make a day of it?
Colleague: let’s see.
DH: we can always go back another time
DH: ok i’ve Looked at flights again. We can have a long lunch that first day?
Colleague: ok. I’m looking forward. Can’t wait to get a break.
DH: alternatively could you fly early Sunday?
Colleague: what time on Sunday?
DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner etc.
Colleague: ok great. It is better we do this meeting in person, isn’t it?
DH: yes. If you want to come later on Sunday it’s okay too.
Colleague: no; the longer away the better for me. Just want a break.

I used to travel a lot with work, my emphasis was always on food, work was the part to be endured, so the meals and a quick bit of touristy escapism was the highlight!

Agree with a previous poster, the dates don’t add up. OP have you changed them for this post?

Are you in Europe or Asia/Aus/NZ as early flight on a Sunday from Europe would mean arriving late on Sunday or early Monday in Singapore. If they’re planning a hang out day which isn’t on the weekend they would need to take a day off work unless your husband owns the company.

I love Singapore and would definitely plan extra time there if going from Europe. In itself I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing that and coordinating with a colleague regardless of gender but I agree the tone of the exchange is off, it’s not professional. No mention of the meeting and prepping for it. It’s all about the downtime. Planning a nice dinner or some free time around a business trip is a perk but it shouldn’t be the driver.

Your husband comes across as pretty unprofessional. He needs to tread carefully particularly if the colleague is vulnerable.

At best he sounds eager to please her and that’s a no no on lots of levels.

Is it an option for you to go to Singapore and make a weekend of it whilst he’s there? Maybe suggest that and see what he says.

I keep rereading the exchange.

Another point is that colleague comes across as work shy and somewhat lazy. If she's a junior employee or scrap that any employee, her focus should be on preparing for the meeting and mention of down time should be in the context of ensuring that they are fit to lead the meetings.As her boss DH should be pointing this out rather than pandering fo her.

I also find it an odd work exchange - my e-mails with my manager would be a lot more formal than that as would theirs back - no emojis and can I take a days annual leave to spend a day in Singapore would be more what would say. The focus would also be on work meeting not the social side.

I think inviting yourself along is an excellent idea. You have always wanted to go to Singapore and only a couple of days off school for kids. See his reaction. My husband often invites me on his business trips and otherwise keeps them as short as possible.

^ivanaPee
People on work trips also need to eat.
How very dare they! Should be a packed lunch/dinner bought from the airport and eaten in solitary in their own hotel room!^

Or on FaceTime the whole time in case they enjoy their sandwiches too much. 😂

In all seriousness, OP none of us know your husband. My husband as a more casual text vibe with some colleagues than others.

I work from home so work trips away can be catch up sessions as much as anything else. Get the work out of the way then enjoy nice restaurants and see some sites. Sometimes with men sometimes with women. Never with nefarious intentions.

Rings bells for me....sorry. Trust your gut. You know him. It reads like the clean version of a couple having an affair but smart enough not to give it away in writing.

Another point is that colleague comes across as work shy and somewhat lazy. If she's a junior employee or scrap that any employee, her focus should be on preparing for the meeting and mention of down time should be in the context of ensuring that they are fit to lead the meetings.As her boss DH should be pointing this out rather than pandering fo her.

jeeeesus, you must be an absolute joy to work with

Long lunches and dinner and having a break together. Yeah. Dodgy.

My DH has to travel a bit for work and has similar conversations with the people he has to go with. Male and female. It doesn't really bother me now (it used to, but I'll get to that in a minute), apart from being jealous that I have to stay home with the kids

I have no reason to suspect DH. Of course we’ve had our ups and downs in a nearly 25 year marriage, but there is just something about this situation which bugs me. I don’t know what it is

I've felt like this too. I was convinced he had something going on with a female colleague he travels with, even though he's never done anything to give me reason not to trust him. I've realised now it was my issue - I suffer badly with anxiety and I'd completely lost all my confidence which in turn made me convince myself he was going to cheat (I just felt like I wasn't attractive or interesting enough). Thankfully my confidence is growing again now and so those feelings have mostly gone away. He was upset that I didn't trust him so I was totally honest with him about how I felt and that did help a lot. Can you talk to your husband about your worries?

I’m no longer a trusting person (due to pp having an affair - or two) & I think most situations posted on here clearly shout ‘he’s having an affair’.

However, I really don’t think that text exchange is ‘dodgy’ at all, it wouldn’t bother me. Singapore is a fabulous place to eat out, I’m not surprised either of them want to have nice lunches & dinners and work trips should be extended to include at least one day of nice meals and sight seeing.

However, you’ve been together a very long time and this doesn’t feel right to you, can’t you talk to him?

This isn't bog standard IMO. When she seems to pull back, he says things like "you can get a later flight".. acts like it's her choice...but there's definite fishing.

Far too many naive women on here to think that's purely innocent...especially with the added info about him hiring her against his colleagues views, being a co confidant for her home situation and checking up on her to see she's okay.

These are poor boundaries for a senior male colleague towards a junior female employee.

I'd sit back and watch. See how much he continues to check in on her and the content of his messages.

He needs to be mindful that even if he doesn't have an ulterior motive, it could be perceived as such.

I work in HR and have dealt with a fair amount of sexual harassment cases. In a recent one the over friendly nature and familiarity of the messages from the senior male employee, was deemed inappropriate and unprofessional at a disciplinary hearing. It can be harder to prove sexual harassment without explicit words, but we certainly deemed it inappropriate conduct and tbh... I felt it was a bit creepy too.

It made the female employee uncomfortable enough to raise it as an issue.

To whoever said the dates don't add up: they do! Leave Sunday night, arrive Monday evening in Singapore, Tuesday off and we're in for a meeting on Wednesday 15th.
My exchange with my boss could be similar (if he wasn't all work no fun) and we're most definitely not going to have an affair. I'm
no longer young nor pretty though.

I think he means fly Sunday morning, arrive Monday morning so they have two days together as talks about lunch and dinner together so implies arriving in morning.

I used to travel a lot with work, my emphasis was always on food, work was the part to be endured, so the meals and a quick bit of touristy escapism was the highlight!

Me too. I went away with a female colleague and for weeks before all our texts were about restaurants we had looked up. I get texts from other colleagues with just pictures of food and wine and "ha ha you missed out" underneath if they are away when I'm not.

I do wonder if the people assuming it must be an affair don't travel for work a lot. I do one week in about four and believe me, colleagues text each other about it. Massively more than the OP's DH.

I raised about the dates. He’s encouraging the colleague to leave “early” on Sunday. Pretty sure that no matter where in the world you fly from to Singapore early on a Sunday, you’ll be arriving either afternoon/evening of the Sunday or sometime on Monday.

The 15th is a Wednesday and the earliest date he’s proposing for the meeting. So it could be anything between 2-3 nights with the colleague before the meeting if the meeting is fixed for the 15th rather than 16th or 17th.

It’s possible they’ve changed the meeting time and brought it forward since they started the chat.

But based on the OP’s transcript the timings don’t add up for just one day/evening of hanging out.

Just to say I’m not assuming an affair. I travel for work and like to plan the perks but they’re around the meat of the trip. I wouldn’t plan for 2-3 extra nights with a colleague in advance of the main purpose of the trip and nor would my husband. He regularly travelled with a former female boss and they might have added some time to recharge their batteries but not 2-3 nights worth!

Good grief. Some hysterical rantings on here and people doing detective work about flight times .

OP - I travel with work and it can be quite exciting if a colleague is coming along too as opposed to me going alone. But you've been together a long time and (assuming you are not an irrationally jealous person) if your spidey senses are twitching, you are probably right.

I have only travelled a little for work - maybe once a year or so but did more when was young and attractive and was regularly propositioned by married men despite always turning them down including a few managers of mine. Remember checking one wife online and found her posting about how wonderful he was. He told me he regularly cheated on her but assured me he would change and she was pregnant and PND according to him so wasn't sure if she would cope with me telling her. She's still posting how wonderful he is.

Now I am older doesn't happen much - would like to believe its as men as much more trustworthy these days and not because they have moved onto to younger more attractive women but have a suspicion which is more likely. If you look at stats on cheating they are very high. He constantly refers to "we". Wouldn't be sure by any means but he's leading the fishing - she's talking about "I" and seems uncomfortable at times. At best its innocent but he needs to be more professional.

Far too many naive women on here to think that's purely innocent

Or maybe we are all well aware of how infidelity works, and simply disagree that the evidence here points directly to that. It's fine for people to have different opinions, but it's a bit shitty to suggest that people could only possibly disagree with your viewpoint because we're clueless.

Some of us have had enough "so helpful, so friendly, just colleagues" eventually show their "hand" that we're no longer able to even try to give these guys the benefit of the doubt.

Like he's this excited to hit the Singspore long lunches and dinners with crusty old bert from accounts. As fucking if.

@PicsInRed......

The polarisation here is making me roll my eyes.
Eg "i wonder if those who think it's dodgy never travel for work"

And somebody else said "we have those of us who travel for work who think it is fine, and we have The Wivez."

Missing The Point Spectacularly

The location could be Singapore or Belfast, it is the OP's husband's keenness to hang out and the tone of the conversation that makws us thing hmmmm

I have travelled (pre kids, different job) and i never gave a thought to where id eat until id checked in. One thing at a time.

Also agree that KISAs never care about keith and Trevor's home lives.

I do think Trevor & Bert from accounts really drew the short straw in the pastoral care stakes...does NOBODY ever care about them?

I wouldn’t judge others for making hysterical rantings. Many of us are speaking from bitter experience.

There are boundaries being crossed here.