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Original poster

DH and younger female colleague’s wats app exchange. Dodgy?

206 replies

ashamforallseasons · 22/04/2019 16:52

Context is they have a new client in Singapore who they have been given the option to either schedule a phone meeting with or visit (at their own company’s expense.)

DH: can you do either 15,16 or 17 may in Singapore?
Colleague: yes! Exciting! Who’s coming?
DH: you and me. Have a look at the flight options and let’s make a plan. Ok?
Colleague: yes, really looking forward.
DH: cool 😎
Colleague: OK I looked. Flights are tricky. I want to get there in time to have a day and a really nice dinner that first evening as the rest will be work.
DH: Next time!
DH: Or we stay an extra night and make a day of it?
Colleague: let’s see.
DH: we can always go back another time
DH: ok i’ve Looked at flights again. We can have a long lunch that first day?
Colleague: ok. I’m looking forward. Can’t wait to get a break.
DH: alternatively could you fly early Sunday?
Colleague: what time on Sunday?
DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner etc.
Colleague: ok great. It is better we do this meeting in person, isn’t it?
DH: yes. If you want to come later on Sunday it’s okay too.
Colleague: no; the longer away the better for me. Just want a break.

OP posts:
ConfCall · 22/04/2019 20:08

I must admit, the “white knight” update from the OP concerns me. I wasn’t concerned about the messages, although I felt that he might have been fishing, but the update implies that he seems to have some kind of attachment.

MsDogLady · 22/04/2019 20:11

DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner, etc.

I would be uncomfortable with this. You are having a niggle and I respect that.

From your update about her home life and his looking out for her, he may have rescuer syndrome. This would add an emotional element to their relationship. Perhaps you are concerned that emotional intimacy or reliance will develop.

Oddly, he first asked for May 15, 16, or 17, which are Wednesday-Friday, but then he backed it up to early Sunday. Maybe this was due to flights, but also could be a sure way to have all day/evening free.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2019 20:14

She is definitely keeping her boundaries.

His messages could be either way. He could be a good bloke who is looking out for her and wants to hang out. He could be angling and I get a tiny sniff of her keeping a little arms length.

FWIW I used to rave (and still do) about a male colleague in another city that I visit for work. Sometimes for a week at a time. We have coffee, dinner, I think he's awesome. We have much more jokey and friendly texts than that. DH was a bit Hmm but he knows I wouldn't. I showed him a picture. This bloke is the opposite of everything I find attractive. DH was reassured.

I think because she is young and attractive, the conversation is perhaps being interpreted a certain way.

Erythronium · 22/04/2019 20:15

I was going to post the exact same thing MsDogLady.

He's not making plans for sightseeing, he's planning meals and time with her. I'm sure there must be things to do in Singapore but he hasn't mentioned any in this conversation.

What does he say to you about his plans OP? That'll be the giveaway, if he's honest that they're taking a bit of extra time to go sightseeing and are you OK with it, or does he keep it quiet?

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2019 20:17

This is how I talk with my male colleagues, we often do long trips abroad and have near on identical exchanges. A few weeks ago I went to Moscow and my male colleague and I had a similar exchange and we went a day early then went sight seeing together. There is nothing remotely in it. He's a very very devout and recently widowed Muslim man. We also chat a lot on the phone. Just for chats.

Anyways. Is it her age and what she looks like that's really bothering uou? Because she's "young and very attractive" as in are you simply jealous?

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/04/2019 20:21

Agree that they weren’t talking about making the most of seeing the city - they were talking about making the most of seeing each other.

Dodge.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 22/04/2019 20:25

The initial conversation seems ok to me. I could see having a similar conversation with my boss and arranging to have lunch before a meeting somewhere offsite.

Your later comment about 'looking after' her seems a bit dodge though.

Offside · 22/04/2019 20:40

I wouldn’t happy with this.

My DH travels a lot with work, but where a phone call will do, that’s the option he takes as he hates being away from home - especially that far when a phone call will suffice!

I wouldn’t be happy about it. If my DH goes away with work he gets the last flight out he can and the earliest flight back he can, he isn’t there to be on holiday, he is there to work.

Having said that, he has colleagues who extend trips to make them into mini breaks as his company allow an extra day here or there. They are either the single ones or the ones going through divorce.

miaCara · 22/04/2019 20:49

I definitely have exactly this conversation with colleagues of both sexes about a trip away from the office.
There is a lot more than the actual work that needs to be considered so I see no problem with referring to them briefly. Also hes right - if a further trip is necessary they will probably repeat the exercise.Because its necessary and not just to facilitate an affair.

I am a little baffled about the phone v Trip to the other side of the world option.But maybe thats just jealousy since the very best I can hope for is an overnight stay in Cromer . Am I am not kidding .

S021 · 22/04/2019 21:33

This cool vs uncool debate and he will cheat whether here or in Singapore are just ridiculous.

We all know that temptation and opportunity are massive factors in infidelity and anyone who thinks otherwise is a mug.

StillNotMe · 22/04/2019 21:34

Oh FFs. I travel for work. I am in a relationship. I do not cheat on work trips away.
But if I am going on a long haul flight I do not want to arrive on Monday morning and come back on Tuesday evening especially if I am supposed to sacrifice my weekend to fly. I would expect a day out at the location (that happens very rarely though) because for me there's more to life than work.
There's nothing dodgy in the conversation posted by OP.

Doesitevenmatternow · 22/04/2019 21:36

It seems a little dodgy to me. I can't quite put my finger on why but I am imagining myself in colleague's shoes and feeling pressurised.

managedmis · 22/04/2019 21:38

Maybe he is just being a nice person to a very attractive young woman.

^^

Yeah.... Maybe

Not an attractive young men?

Nope. Thought not.

managedmis · 22/04/2019 21:38

Man not men

IvanaPee · 22/04/2019 21:40

People on work trips also need to eat. Occasionally together. Rest assured; we’re not all cheating on our spouses. 🙄

ChrisPrattsFace · 22/04/2019 21:47

I don’t think I would be comfortable, it seems. Little over friendly to me?!
That being said - the basics of the conversation are ok, eg arranging travel and food. Just a line that is being touched for me!
Also - in DHs industry it would be unlikely so hard to put myself in that situation!

Cherylshaw · 22/04/2019 22:02

I would be upset if i saw these messages on my dps phone, yeh be excited about going away but he sounds more buzzing to be hanging out with her, talking about next time etc I'm surprised most pp have said it's all good.

SkinnyPete · 22/04/2019 22:05

I have this same conversation with both male and female colleagues. YABU.

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/04/2019 22:14

HmmmmmI would keep an eye on this .

toycar · 22/04/2019 22:26

hmm, ii obviously dont get on well enough with my colleagues to be this excited about work trips!!!!

If i was harping on about hanging out to a male colleague i'd be worried it might be misconstrued and the bloke thought i wanted to get in his trousers.

Its difficult to say really but ...

it seems to me that your DH is being a bit "invested" in this person and perhaps is even hoping that she is excited about the trip being about spending time together so is testing by talking about lunch/ hanging out (inference that he wants to spend time together) rather than going and getting the job done.

if i was going to singapore, i'd want to be on my own after a long flight with a co-worker, get over the travel tiredness and have a joint meal or joint organised tour - i wouldnt be suggesting it in such a personal and informal way.

i think he's hoping for something. difficult to gauge the level of it, a crush from her, a bit of ego massaging flirtation or physical.

CarolDanvers · 22/04/2019 22:36

mainly just him asking her if she is okay and her saying she’s alright. It looks like she has a difficult home situation and DH is looking out for her.

As I saw on a previous thread, so I can't take credit for it, they never want to "look out for" Trevor from accounts do they? It's always some, usually young, woman going through a tough time. Your husband sounds very keen on spending extra time with her though it may not be anything that's going to go anywhere. Not sure I would be entirely comfortable with it though.

slappinthebass · 22/04/2019 22:44

The excitement, wanting to stretch the trip and have work breaks wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Seems totally normal for a long haul al expenses paid trip to somewhere exciting.

The wanting to have a nice dinner and 'hang out' totally would bother me though. It's not what sights can we see or new food can we try or what culture we can experience. It reads like they just want to be alone together.

Dontforgettheice · 22/04/2019 22:49

seems absolutely fine by me. The colleague also expressed their excitement before finding out it was the 2 of them so I assume its the place she wants to see / food to try.

julensaor · 22/04/2019 22:59

he is up for it, she is an airhead.

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 22/04/2019 23:02

He seems keener than her to suggest spending time together.
He's fishing.

Your instincts are right in my opinion.