DH and younger female colleague’s wats app exchange. Dodgy?

[ashamforallseasons]

Context is they have a new client in Singapore who they have been given the option to either schedule a phone meeting with or visit (at their own company’s expense.)

DH: can you do either 15,16 or 17 may in Singapore?
Colleague: yes! Exciting! Who’s coming?
DH: you and me. Have a look at the flight options and let’s make a plan. Ok?
Colleague: yes, really looking forward.
DH: cool 😎
Colleague: OK I looked. Flights are tricky. I want to get there in time to have a day and a really nice dinner that first evening as the rest will be work.
DH: Next time!
DH: Or we stay an extra night and make a day of it?
Colleague: let’s see.
DH: we can always go back another time
DH: ok i’ve Looked at flights again. We can have a long lunch that first day?
Colleague: ok. I’m looking forward. Can’t wait to get a break.
DH: alternatively could you fly early Sunday?
Colleague: what time on Sunday?
DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner etc.
Colleague: ok great. It is better we do this meeting in person, isn’t it?
DH: yes. If you want to come later on Sunday it’s okay too.
Colleague: no; the longer away the better for me. Just want a break.

I wouldn’t like it at all. Up until “Cool” it sounds ok, but then the tone of conversation doesn’t feel right. As some PPs said they are discussing spending time together rather than opportunity to visit particular sightings. I would expect her to ask if it’s ok to have earlier flight to have some free time/ to recover from the long flight or just to have a break from home. And why is she looking forward to a long lunch with him at Singapore? It’s strange.
My DH can get a txt from his colleagues about arriving somewhere earlier but the reason for it would be “to have time for dinner/ to visit a specific place / to get more convenient flight” so the wording would be very different.
Also is your DH usually nice to younger colleagues or is it just this time? A senior colleague of my DH loves to travel with younger colleagues, show them places and tell them stories, etc but it equally could be male or female ( and the more the merrier), some of them are pretty, some are not so and he does it as long as I remember - about 20 years already.

I've re-read your OP... sorry, but it really doesn't seem like two colleagues looking forward to an innocent jolly to me...

He is presumably her boss? So two colleagues who are friends might say something like 'it would be great if you could get XX flight, to get some extra time there'. But instead he says:

DH: ok i’ve Looked at flights again. We can have a long lunch that first day?

It's about time spent together, rather than time doing stuff. And then he pursues it, he's overly keen. A genuine colleague would just say 'ok, let me know what flights you choose, mine are at blah' and leave it at that... instead you get:

DH: alternatively could you fly early Sunday?
Colleague: what time on Sunday?
DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner etc.

He wants to maximise his time with her. I would not feel comfortable about that. At all.

Colleague: ok great. It is better we do this meeting in person, isn’t it?

That's the part I'm confused about
Do what meeting in person??

I think she means the meeting that they're going to Singapore for i.e. it's better that they travel there than do it over the phone. That's how I read it.

All of the Colleagues responses are work / break away focussed. All of OPs DHs are aimed at persuading her to spend time with him.... it looks to me like she's trying to steer it back to a more neutral ground while he keeps trying to steer it somewhere else.

I take that as she is querying is this trip really necessary - could we just do this from UK on phone. I suspect she may realise he is fishing to see if she would be up for an affair, she's uncomfortable but its awkward to push him back too hard as she works for him and is new and she's excited about a trip to Singapore.

I wouldn't be happy with it either.

Far too much angling for time with each other ... not to see the sights of Singapore.

1. The KISA (knight in shining armour) is always there for vulnerable women...with problems at home or going through a divorce.

Never there for the middle aged man having issues at home.

1. He convinced his colleagues to hire her...he saw something they didn't... hmmm.

1. He's keen to spend time with her.

So putting it all together...it doesn't sound great and this is how a lot of affairs start.

He's in a position of power and if I was a man in his position, I'd be very careful with my words to avoid misunderstandings or accusations.

Imagine a few drinks in and he loosens up and tells her how he saw great potential in her and convinced his colleagues... she'll almost feel indebted to him.

Then he's listening to her personal problems.

He needs better boundaries IMO.

I've spoken to a number of OW... and it the beginning sound so familiar....but hopefully you know your DH well and you know what the state of your relationship is.

@S021 - I thought I was a cool wife too, also didn’t pan out well. Turned out Xh was with OW on pretty much every business trip he went on, extending them by day(s) and the final straw, weeks, including to Singapore, for more than a year that I know of.

Just to add that this use of emojis is not professional.

DH: cool 😎

That's more used in messaging a friend and too much familiarity like this isn't good. His constant checking that she's okay, also show him fishing IMO.

He's trying to show himself as a lovely caring man, being attentive.

Do you work OP?

True. Men tend to use them less than women i think. I know i use them to soften what i say, to accompany a joke in case it is deemed a bad joke, to demonstrate i am not taking myself too seriously - heaven forbid- so he (op's H) may be mirroring her style of communication.
Apologies for generalising. I try not to do this stuff!

She is flirting too. “I want to have dinner when I get there” is fine. “I want a Really Nice dinner” without mentioning some Singaporean chef or restaurant she wants to try, is a hint. Also when she apparently goes colder “we’ll see...” he panics that he hasn’t looked keen enough and makes it so that they can eat not one Really Nice meal but two - lunch, hang out, then dinner. Totally loses his “come whenever” vibe.
Doesn’t invite the Singaporean colleagues out to any of this I notice, either.
Now as others have said, without mentioning tourist sites in Singapore, the whole emphasis just looks like he fancies her. Then she teases at the end with “this meeting should be done face to face right?” (I.e. “are you inventing this trip just to get me to Singapore?”) and keeps her distance by excusing her own enthusiasm (“I just need a break”). No one wants to come on strong to the boss.
I work travel a lot and if so was the girl in this exchange I may answer in an enthusiastic way because he’s my boss and I want to pretend I haven’t noticed, but I would be eyerolling at how he clearly wants to spend time with me not see Singapore. I happen not to fancy my boss. If I did... this exchange would make me pretty sure it was game on.

Also agree that in a normal hierarchical conversation she would have asked if it was ok to take extra time, because she wants to see Singapore/be refreshed for meeting/ etc etc and he’d have said yes- that’s a normal employee request.
not him to in response arrange her extra day for her and then invite himself along and fill it with hanging out with him at every point of it-
I love my team and travelling with them is fun but i would never make my team plan their day off hanging out with me like that’s a treat. So awks!
But he presents it as a fait accomplis- you can have extra time... with me, alllll day .
Why doesn’t he think that looks creepy?
Perhaps he has cause to think she might want that.
(and I would have offered to pay the extra night if outside the Travel Policy, although would have expected one acclimatisation night to be on company)

In my opinion, your H is crossing lines with this woman.

As I said upthread, I would not be comfortable with the messages. They seem to be doing a dance with each other.

He is her boss, but is being quite familiar. He is eager to have alone-time with her with the ”early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner, etc.” and the suggestion that they ”stay an extra night and make a day of it.” He assumes that she will be copacetic with all the cozy 1 on 1.

At first she holds him at arm’s length. She mentions her need for a break, probably to not seem too personally interested. At his suggestion to stay an extra night, she says, ”Let’s see.” In the end, though, she says, ”Ok great” to his suggestion of arriving early Sunday for their day/evening togetherness. She could go either way.

I reread what you’ve reported about their history. He thought she was special and pushed for her to be hired. Now he is texting her personal messages, asking if she is okay. She is confiding in him about her issues at home. This is inappropriate and too familiar, and can lead to emotional/physical affair territory.

All in all, I think he is over-invested emotionally and is fishing for more. If you come to the same conclusion, how will you handle this situation?

Blimey, I know on mumsnet the man is always cheating, but some folks have excelled them selves on this thread, with their over active imaginations trying to desperately convince the op he's wanting to cheat, even when it's just a fairly bog standard convo between two people going on a long haul business trip. 🤣

Seems dodgy and why are some thinking it doesn’t .OPis concerned the fact she’s concerned is a worry.
OP let your husband know the expectations you have of him .You can’t tell him you went through his phone that’s a no no.
Trust me I’m going through a divorce at the moment if you feel something is not right it most probably isn’t.

Totally dodgy - on DH's part... currently and easily being 'disguised' as enthusiasm for seeing more or Singapore/making the most of a freebie trip. He sounds FAR TOO KEEN/EAGER and i'm absolutlely sure he wouldn't sound so breathlessly excited if it wasn't an attractive/younger woman and he hadn't been married for 25 years... cynical I know but i've seen similar scenarios before

As pp said - i've just noticed the 'white knight' situation... this is a definite big NOPE - courting disaster (for you) - even asking her 'are you alright?' is demonstrating burgeoning intimacy - rather than 'how are you?'

CarolDanvers - you're right - poor Trevor from accounts never gets a look in

I don't think it sounds dodgy, it sounds like a normal conversation between two colleagues?

On a recent work trip to London me and an older colleague went a little earlier so we would have time for a nice long lunch before our meeting. It's normal to want to make the most of the place you are visiting!

To me it reads as though he’s up for it and is fishing for a sign that she is too, but she’s keeping him at arm’s length and has good boundaries. Her replies are very standard. She sounds enthusiastic about working away (probably because she’s young and not used to it) and her replies are what I’d expect to see if someone who wanted to show someone that they were grateful for the chance to work away but didn’t want to encourage more. They’re short responses, and “we’ll see” is a classic way of putting someone off or not giving a proper response. I don’t think she’s romantically or sexually interested in him at all.

However, I think he’s a bit up for it and if she showed interest he’d jump on it. He’s bombarding her with suggestions and hoping that she’ll bite. So far she hasn’t.

I’m utterly amazed at people thinking this is ok. Is it an age thing?

The trip is fine. But the keenness to see each other/dine out/lunch/go again?! Utterly inappropriate for married people and this man. Appalling!

My DH regularly travels for work and there are dinners and this wouldn’t be on. On the tones I have traveed for work and there are guys there we will perhaps get food together but this is another level.

bluntness either i am a cynical old hag or you are utterly naive.

I agree with Bluntness, it seems like a bog standard text to me! If he was interested in more you’d think there’d be at least a little flirtatiousness in there to get her in the mood?!

I too don't see anything wrong. I've tried re-reading it looking for evidence of it being dodgy and if I had to say it was, I'd say it was actually her who was putting the feelers out rather than him, as he originally just asked if she was free for those set dates to travel. She then said she wanted the lunch to which he agreed. She was the one angling for him to extend it. I know he did, but by saying 'next time' to me, that read as a brush off. I'm usually very cynical!!! Its easy to just pick bits out of the conversation and put a slant on it, but when read all together it doesn't sound bad to me

ivanaPee
People on work trips also need to eat.
How very dare they! Should be a packed lunch/dinner bought from the airport and eaten in solitary in their own hotel room!

Naturally people on business trips need to eat.

But all the emphasise on this seems as if. they are organising a weekend away rather than a work meeting. I've travelled with quite a few folk on business trips and have never,ever had an exchange where the focus is on meals and socialising together. Nor would I be describing a business trip as a break.

The whole tone of it is off to me. I'm clearly not a cool wife, but neither DH nor I would put ourselves into a situation where anything could be misconstrued with a work colleague and this exchange crosses way too many lines for me to be comfortable.