Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and younger female colleague’s wats app exchange. Dodgy?

206 replies

ashamforallseasons · 22/04/2019 16:52

Context is they have a new client in Singapore who they have been given the option to either schedule a phone meeting with or visit (at their own company’s expense.)

DH: can you do either 15,16 or 17 may in Singapore?
Colleague: yes! Exciting! Who’s coming?
DH: you and me. Have a look at the flight options and let’s make a plan. Ok?
Colleague: yes, really looking forward.
DH: cool 😎
Colleague: OK I looked. Flights are tricky. I want to get there in time to have a day and a really nice dinner that first evening as the rest will be work.
DH: Next time!
DH: Or we stay an extra night and make a day of it?
Colleague: let’s see.
DH: we can always go back another time
DH: ok i’ve Looked at flights again. We can have a long lunch that first day?
Colleague: ok. I’m looking forward. Can’t wait to get a break.
DH: alternatively could you fly early Sunday?
Colleague: what time on Sunday?
DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner etc.
Colleague: ok great. It is better we do this meeting in person, isn’t it?
DH: yes. If you want to come later on Sunday it’s okay too.
Colleague: no; the longer away the better for me. Just want a break.

OP posts:
Wildrose19 · 22/04/2019 18:23

She sounds a bit too keen for my liking.

TerryWogansWilly · 22/04/2019 18:29

hmm, I'd think that they're both looking forward to it a bit too much??
I don't think she is tbf. Hesysaying the ca stay extra time or go back another time. She's saying "let's see" which is non committal at best.

Travelban · 22/04/2019 18:29

If you travel for work a lot, you get a bit in the mindset of trying to make the most of it, especially if going far. Not sure about lunches or dinners but definitely sightseeing a little, it makes it all feel more worthwhile.

Hard to say whether I would be upset, I could read this either way depending on context.

Zuma76 · 22/04/2019 18:31

Seriously at what point in this conversation does he say ‘candlelit dinner’. Most blokes are not trying to shag their co-workers. There is absolutely nothing in this conversation, which suggests that he want to do anything but get a jolly to Singapore and have a colleague to hang out with when he gets there. You all need to get a grip and OP stop reading your husband’s work messages. Everything can sound dodgy if you want it to.

mummyofdaughters · 22/04/2019 18:34

Do you have DC? Why does he want to stay away from home longer than necessary?

My DH often travels for work and he's on the next flight home after whatever meeting/s he's had abroad, even if it is as far away as Singapore.

Penguinpandarabbit · 22/04/2019 18:35

I think her responses are normal but would suspect he is interested in her as my reading of it is he is arranging lots of just two of them meals etc and future trip together. I wouldn't be certain enough to accuse but would be on alert.

Butterymuffin · 22/04/2019 18:37

They just don’t want to go all that way and not see Singapore.

But they're not talking about what they'll see or where to to. For him it's all about hanging out with her and having meals together. They could do that at home, so why so keen to go far abroad for it? And why the enthusiasm for more trips with her? Sorry, it definitely has potential to be dodgy.

S021 · 22/04/2019 18:38

I was what’s referred to on here as the ‘cool wife’

It didn’t pan out too well

3boysandabump · 22/04/2019 18:38

If I read that on my dh whatsapp I'd be fine. They're just trying to get a bit of a jolly on works time/at works expense.

However I wouldn't have read it on my dh whatsapp because I don't read his private messages.

LemonTT · 22/04/2019 18:45

People cheat on uncool partners too. It’s about the person you want to be in life. Because I refuse to become a snooping control freak to try to stop someone doing what they will have plenty of opportunity to do if they are so inclined.

IvanaPee · 22/04/2019 18:55

FFS, why are normal, rational & intelligent women who disagree with the needy people, who get excited about absolutely nothing on here labelled “cool wives”?

Quite.

And if he wants to cheat he’ll do it here or in Singapore!

WaitedForGodot · 22/04/2019 19:00

Unless we're about to get a massive dripfeed about prior behaviour this all seems super standard chat to me. I've definitely had entirely innocent conversations with colleagues that could look far worse if taken out of context.

Original poster
ashamforallseasons · 22/04/2019 19:33

I have no reason to suspect DH. Of course we’ve had our ups and downs in a nearly 25 year marriage, but there is just something about this situation which bugs me. I don’t know what it is.

It’s not that he doesn’t talk about her at home. He does. He is the one who hired her and saw her potential and actually went against his other colleagues to hire her because he thought she’d be good for the company and he thought they were stuffy. He is now including her on many of his projects, but then he is doing that with other people too so it’s not exclusively her.

I looked back at their previous text exchanges and there is a bit more - mainly just him asking her if she is okay and her saying she’s alright. It looks like she has a difficult home situation and DH is looking out for her. But he’a Also not pursuing her or anything. I don’t know. Maybe he is just being a nice person to a very attractive young woman.

OP posts:
Bloocy · 22/04/2019 19:34

Do you think you’d be feeling the same way if she wasn’t attractive?

Romax · 22/04/2019 19:41

You have been married 25 years and you think something is up.

25 years!!!

Yes, I’d trust that instinct to a great extent

PicsInRed · 22/04/2019 19:41

It looks like she has a difficult home situation and DH is looking out for her.

White knight. That's not a great sign, I'm afraid.

PicsInRed · 22/04/2019 19:41

Is he a bit of a rescuer?

TerryWogansWilly · 22/04/2019 19:45

OP does he know you see his messages? because if he isn't trying to hide them form you then it's probably a good sign. Maybe just talk to him and tell him you feel a bit threatened. Don't be accusatory just say you feel bad. If he kicks off I would be worried, if lets you know that it's 100% not that way and listens to your concerns I think you have nothing to worry about.

NigellaAwesome · 22/04/2019 19:52

I think the colleague doesn't sound that keen, but your DH is pushing it.

DH: Next time!
DH: Or we stay an extra night and make a day of it?
DH: we can always go back another time
DH: ok i’ve Looked at flights again. We can have a long lunch that first day?
DH: early, so we can hang out, have lunch, have dinner etc.

My DH works away a lot, often with female colleagues, and it has never bothered me. If I saw a text exchange like this it would.

Is he more senior than her?

rookiemere · 22/04/2019 19:56

I don't like those texts at all. Fair enough wanting to spend some extra time in Singapore, but surely that would be focused on trying to see the sights, rather than spending loads of time together, plus focus on the long lunch sounds all wrong.

stucknoue · 22/04/2019 19:56

Unless there's other evidence, this in it's self isn't dodgy, it sounds like someone excited to travel

rookiemere · 22/04/2019 19:57

And rereading they both seem complicit. What's with the squeezing an extra night in at the beginning or end. Keep a close eye on this.

RiversDisguise · 22/04/2019 20:00

He is as the senior man being a tiny bit incautious here tbh

In the event of a future sexual harassment claim, the personal texts and slightly pushy, slightly personal (we can hang out) tone could help build a bigger, more damning picture. Throughout this exchange he is the one mentioning spending time together, she is the one distancing and making it about the trip (I just need a break).

Tbh it reads as probably innocent, but after 25 years you know this man. You are likely on alert for a reason.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/04/2019 20:03

Agree with PP: White Knight. Questionable.

If there was a young male colleague with relationship difficulties would there still be caring texts and emotional check ins about how he feels? Hmmm yeah no.

And the text exchange sounds fairly ok and yet, there is a vibe of him pushing things a little.

She’s on his radar.

Ratatatouille · 22/04/2019 20:06

@NigellaAwesome but if you take the colleague’s words out of the context of the conversation they sound equally as dodgy. A lot of “can’t wait!” and “looking forward!” and even “I want to get there in time to have a day and a really nice dinner that first evening”. And yet other posters have said she sounds less keen than he does.

I don’t think it reads badly when you actually look at the whole conversation. The bit where he says “Have a look at the flight options and let’s make a plan” is just a boss/senior staff member giving an instruction to a junior colleague. He doesn’t ask her; he is telling her what to do. Perfectly normal and not how most men would speak to someone they are trying to bed. And the first time she mentions having a meal and hanging out, he says “next time!”, so it doesn’t sound like he was initially planning on any social time with her.

Your instincts are important, OP, and I think
women are conditioned to ignore them too often. But I wouldn’t freak out over this exchange alone. Watch and wait if you’re concerned. If there’s something going on you’ll see other signs now your eyes are peeled.