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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

243 replies

Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 22:33

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

OP posts:
Torytop · 21/04/2019 22:43

I think that sounds quite mad. If you are no longer in this person’s life, what benefit is it to either of you? You aren’t the client, so why would you subject yourself to this?

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 22:47

Exactly my point !
And the £100 in petrol, childcare etc.
It is pure madness isn’t it

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 21/04/2019 22:47

Is it your child?

mummmy2017 · 21/04/2019 22:50

Say no then
Tell them you refuse to participate.

NorthEndGal · 21/04/2019 22:52

It doesn't sound very helpful

peachgreen · 21/04/2019 22:54

I think it's hard for us to judge without knowing the other person's perspective.

mummmy2017 · 21/04/2019 22:55

At this point in my life I feel going to therapy is like making a new wound,rubbing salt into it letting it heal for a day and then ripping the scar off....so no I will not be attending as I am not into S and M.

dreichuplands · 21/04/2019 23:00

It is hard to know what is going on from your OP. For you to be invited you were very close at one point I would imagine?

MajesticWhine · 21/04/2019 23:02

You absolutely do not have to subject yourself to this. Sounds really unhelpful. At the very least I would want to be given a clear rationale for how this is going to help before even considering it.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 23:06

They don’t want to reconcile - made tyat crystal clear, it’s all about assisting them ... to what end though ? I said write me a letter

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 21/04/2019 23:10

Nah. Don't do it. Don't respond any more. You don't need this or them in your life, stirring up horrible old memories.

Dalie · 21/04/2019 23:19

This seems to be a trend in counselling. I don’t like it either.

I get that part of the process is to ‘unpack’ our family relationships and the impact they’ve had on us etc. There’s no doubt these can be damaging and leave us needing to find ways to move past the damage that’s been done.

The bit I struggle with is that it seems the person in counselling is encouraged to finger point and attribute blame to everyone else. Of course, with situations of abuse this is absolutely correct but with the ‘standard’ fuck ups we’re all on the giving and receiving end of throughout life, I’m not sure how helpful it is.

I think it creates a ‘special snowflake’ scenario where the person receiving the counselling just feels increasingly justified in labelling everyone else as the problem. Even if they are, it’s not very helpful in life.

Understanding is one thing but surely learning to deal things like rejection, getting hurt by the way others behave and not always having everyone behave in a way we’d prefer they did would be more useful in the long run.

Not trying to devalue anyone’s experience and it’s difficult to comment on this particular situation without more information but I do see the result of this type of counselling quite a lot.

I don’t think it helps anyone. It relies on others changing or accepting our version of reality in order to move forward and ultimately isn’t very empowering for the person involved as the locus of control is outside of themselves- never mind everyone else getting taken along for a potentially self indulgent ride. It feels like lazy counselling to me.

Suffice to say I wouldn’t attend!

WellThisIsShit · 21/04/2019 23:27

Well, firstly, sometimes we hear blame where none is intended. We hear blame and try and minimise and deflect when all the other person wants is for their pain to be acknowledged instead of dismissed or invalidated.

Could this be happening? Because someone can still be in pain, or even quite damaged and / or traumatised by past events AND it be completely true that another person there at the time absolutely did their best with the information available.

It’s not a fight to the death for legitimacy. But if you feel so hurt or blamed by this other persons pain, then you could be making it a case of either Your Truth, or Her/His Truth... because you don’t want the feelings that go along with acknowledging that BOTH can be true.

I don’t mean that namby pamby ‘truth is somewhere in the middle’ stuff, which is problematic as it sort of feels like it means neither of you have a right to feel how you do. I mean that literally both of you can feel the weight of your own emotions and hurt and needs and everything, at the same time, because more than one person can be right, or wrong, or suffer... it’s not a binary type of thing. Unless you are an abuser.

My caveat is that I’m the case of an abusive parent or other adult in a powerful position, you do get to be held responsible for the harm your abuse did to a child. But then, the type of person who chooses to abuse their child, week after week, month after month, year after year, well, they aren’t going to learnt anything from a couple of joint counselling sessions and I would question why that situation was happening. This is the reason I would never unburden my soul to one of my parents, although I’ve had a lot of counselling. She will be screaming victim to the end, and lacking insight over her actions as she’s not capable of being anything more than she ever was. The only person that would get hurt in that situation would be me, giving her more of a ‘victim’ status in her head, with me attacking her and being so unfair in a counselling session. She would never hear me.

Obviously I have no idea what scenario is nearer your situation, but if it’s the latter, it will become clear very quickly, and if its the former, I hope we can help you.

MitziK · 22/04/2019 00:11

Could it be of help to give them something of what they feel they need? That you did the best you could, but it wasn't enough and you are sorry?

It might be that is what they need to hear - an acknowledgement of their feelings. Doesn't have to be true, really - if their emotional state is such that they need to rail about the unfairness, is it really too much to take a deep breath and say 'You're right. And I'm sorry'?

I've done it. It helped the person concerned and was a lot easier than I thought it would be, as I wasn't expecting a miracle reconciliation from it, but they needed something I could give them. So I did.

Refusing to discuss things because 'they're in the past' can be felt to be incredibly painful, as though their feelings don't matter compared to your need to ignore them. It would be a response I would expect from somebody who absolutely did not acknowledge or regret a single thing.

It's obviously up to you, but if someone could potentially move on in any way just from hearing what they want to hear, it doesn't sound like it's asking for your soul.

MitziK · 22/04/2019 00:12

Unless it's an ex.

They can fuck right off.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 07:54

It’s not an ex.
So one incident - for which I was in the wrong and have apologised - has turned into years of pschological abuse in their mind. Now 90% of the time my reactions - which may well have been wrong were to situations that I should never have been put in in the first place. Do the only way to defend myself is to start pointing the finger back and I just don’t want to, I don’t care any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 07:56

MitziK - I just feel like sorry wouldn’t be good enough anyway

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 22/04/2019 08:11

If this person doesn't want to reconcile there is no point in you being there.
It would be better for him/her to get it all off their chest in their own session.
Has this person brought you in so that they can spend an hour having a go at you from behind a screen? Does the fact that you are hearing but don't respond make them feel better?

Honestly, if this is not doing BOTH of you any good, drop out. Let them get on with it themselves.

cliquewhyohwhy · 22/04/2019 08:16

If you have been no contact for three years why are you bothering now?

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 08:16

That is very much how it feels - they said all the talking doesn’t help, writing it down doesn’t help - so the impression I get is nothing short of seeing me cry will help

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 08:17

cliquewhyohwhy - good question, I don’t like to think of anyone being in pain. Scares the shit out of me they might self harm

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 22/04/2019 08:25

It depends on what the situation is.
I would like nothing more than for my mother to explain certain things to me. Her behaviour and decisions have affected my life enormously. So maybe this person needs you to explain your behaviour, so they can get some peace in their lives.

I think your posts sound very dismissive and flippant regarding this person. However I maybe wrong, I can’t tell unless you explain more what this is all about.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 08:31

LizzieSiddal - sorry I’m not trying to be vague but am conscious I can’t speak for them and it’s not my pain to describe I guess.
The simple facts to explain my behaviour would be for all road to lead back to someone else who this person is close to. I don’t want to do that because then I’m as bad as them. I feel the things this person thinks have ruined her life are none of her bloody business anyway so the fact that she’s chosen to involve herself and continue to be constantly counselled over just brings no closure. And for what ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 08:33

I explained one aspect and the counsellor actually said I don’t think that’s true. Well it bloody was and you weren’t there so how can you comment ? It all felt very strange.

OP posts:
Happygolucky009 · 22/04/2019 08:33

Counselling should provide a safe space and may give you the opportunity to provide some resolution in your relationship. Although you have said this person doesn't want reconciliation, their actions are saying otherwise. Whilst you may not have a close relationship going forward, surely things can not get much worse.

I did a similar counselling session a few years ago, for me it helped greatly as it helped me recognise a cycle of abuse that will not be changed without behaviour changes. For me that meant I had to be strong and stop being a victim. The other party had no where to hide and simply came across as unreasonable whereas they normally deflect using anger and aggression whilst I cowed in a corner.