Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

[Inliverpool1]

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

Easter eggs being the exception haha x

What I’m saying is she’s not been treated any differently from the kids that live with me, she was invited to a trip to Disney the others and I went on, got told to shove that up my arse, I mean really. The other kids are of the fuck her mentality. It’s been pointed out repeatedly that she has an open door.... I understand it’s hard to take it and he doesn’t bloody help. Only now she is a bit of a nightmare suddenly my help is required after all this time from him I mean, not her. The whole thing is far too soap opera for my liking if I’m honest.

She sounds like she is crying out for love, and kids might push away - she's not going to be rational when perhaps feeling push/pulled with parents. the way you speak about her is as though you really cannot be bothered with all of her 'drama'. That's exactly as she'll view the times that she perceives you as abandoning her whatever her reasons.

If you love her, be patient, show up and be there. Try to empathise rather than dismissing things as they aren't your fault. Try to push aside your defensiveness and give her space to listen. She's clearly hurting for whatever reasons and I would advise you to try and help her.

Fuck him OP help her it sounds like she's a very hurt and angry little girl. And as for her being different to other kids yes everyone is an individual and reacts/deals with things differently.

Yes life is bacically a movie OP were are all characters so your soap opera ref is correct, start being part of her movie, you and her mother and daughter not concentrating on anybody else or pride and ego. Life is a struggle not meant to be easy breazy but we chose who are worth bothering for. If you have shown her any kind of dismissiveness even just once she will run with that and despise the ground you walk on, because to her it will be a sign of carelessness. Let your guard down, accept advice nobody here is trying to hurt or blame you.

I know she wrecks your head but she's little girl under all that anger and aggression. As I said there is no logic in love. I'd love to actually sit down and talk to your daughter and give her a hug tbh xxx

Something about the OP screams narcissistic personality to me.

• The evasiveness this was even her daughter
• drip feeding relevant info
• dismissive of her daughter’s suffering that was only 3 years ago so she should be over if, the past is the past
• Says the parents split is nothing to do with her teenage daugher & denies her the right to her feelings
• The non-apology of “if I could change the past I would” but doesn’t sound warm or genuine
• unwillingness to participate in therapy in a meaningful way (avoiding explaining past actions or events)
• showing anger when a neutral 3rd party (therapist) dares question her
• Intentionally hiding truth of past events from daughter under the guise of martyrdom (supposedly not wanting to bad mouth the ex)
• refusal to admit she has done one thing wrong to negatively affect her daughter, it’s all someone else’s fault
• has other more compliant golden children & scapegoating of rebellious daughter

I could go on...

Basically nothing about this situation has been explained in a clear way so people can actually provide helpful advice. This has been so cryptic to try to unravel & feel the OP is holding a lot of relevant info back.

It feels like the OP just wants to be told they are right & the daughter is some kind of overly dramatic bad seed.

If the ex is as OP has described, then surely the daughter is also a victim here, as she has been so influenced by him? Who has been gaslighted to believe all these non-truths, right? Wouldn’t a loving mother be wanting to help her daughter in pain attempt to unravel this emotional mess? Be wanting to run to therapy to try & help her resolve her pain? Explain to her as a maturing young woman all this misinformation she’s supposedly been led to believe ?

I just don’t buy any of this “I don’t want to bad mouth my ex” crap. She has been bad mouthing her 15 year old daughter who is going through utter turmoil over her unstable family, upbringing & parents split.

I see you OP....

Hi @prawnsword I got annoyed myself at OP early on for her defensiveness and as you say and it does come across even if you don't want it to OP that you just can't be arsed anymore.

But I think if you want ppl here to continue to give you advice you need to drop your guard and become open to said advice.

I had suggestions early on about your poor child but held back because it appears that you think ppl are attaching you when they give you advice so I came away but came back and want to help because I genuinely would like to if I could help your situation.

@prawnsword and why would I bother ? You aren’t people I know who’s opinions I cate about so really why would whether I want you to think anything at all about me or my daughter matter to me ?
Therapist are not there to call people liars, that’s not questioning that’s unprofessional

@Inliverpool1

Why are you even bothering to post if you only want people you know who’s opinions you care about to comment? This is an Internet forum, you presumably don’t know anyone here

You’ve completely missed the point of my post - I can only imagine how combative you must have come across to the therapist. I hope your daughter gets help to unravel the untold damage her narcissist mother has done to her psyche. Perhaps her father isn’t great, but she will need help to come to terms with being failed by her mother for sure.

Narcs are so easy to spot after awhile. The lack of self awareness & insight is so obvious once you know the signs.

Have a Bikkie

Wow Liverpool ppl here are trying to help you that's some attitude to take

Hi Liverpool the other thing I have picked up which people aren't talking about, is parental alienation.

It sounds as though your ex is twisting things and you are getting the blame/being the bad guy.

I think you should spend a bit of time on youtube Dr Sue Cornbluth and other parental alienation videos. There is good advice on how to deal with children who have been manipulated into blaming you.

Sorry if I am wrong, but that's what I am seeing and what I think you have been trying to talk about.

@ScreamingLadySutch my solicitor flagged that too

you are not being criticised by the therapist, you are being asked how it might feel in your daughter's shoes. They are trying it sounds like to get you to empathise, to put aside your own anger at all the rejections and let downs you yourself have suffered over the years. To see that the compartmentalising you do is not something your daugther can do. To see that it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, just that she is in pain and desperately needs to feel accepted.

From what you say of your parents, neither offered you conditions that allowed you to develop a position where you can put yourself in others' shoes, you subsequently got with a man who was irresponsible and unable to step up (not surprising, was he Mr Charm at first?) but he liked to play the hero role and found an easy target in your daughter. Like many such men, once she finds her individuality as a teen, he rejects her. What a nightmare she is in now, rejected in the home where she thought she had safety and feeling scapegoated and unacceptable to her Mum and siblings. Also considering that if she leaves her Dad she loses her school, friends etc.

Please stop blaming her and see that he made her golden child in a way that it was much harder for her to split from him than the younger ones.

Liverpool that is heartbreaking, you poor thing.

Well, forewarned is forearmed. If alienation is the thing?

You MUST go to counselling and tell the counsellor that you think this is what is happening. Ask the counsellor if they have specific training for manipulators and other personally disordered people.

Please go on YouTube and look, really look at the strategies they suggest. It will help you keep calm.

YOU CANNOT go against and have defences against this poor manipulated child (what people have been saying) This is not personal and you don't have to take 'what she accuses' on board - because she is being fed it. Meh.

She is not the problem, the gaslighting is. I hope that brings up some protective instincts for her? I mean, he did it to you, of course he is going to do it with the kids.

Best of luck Liverpool

Thank you that’s a bit of a thunder bolt moment. You know I don’t even think he means it sometimes and then other times it’s clear he does

@prawnsword I totally agree.

What's gaslighting? @ScreamingLadySutch

@Lovestruck
www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=gaslighting

Apologies Lovestruk