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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

243 replies

Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 22:33

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

OP posts:
Happygolucky009 · 22/04/2019 08:37

The simple facts to explain my behaviour would be for all road to lead back to someone else this was my situation completely but I will not be accountable for the actions of others....... particularly when I was only a child!

LizzieSiddal · 22/04/2019 08:37

I feel the things this person thinks have ruined her life are none of her bloody business anyway

Confused

So something/someone has ruined her life, but it’s none of her business?

That’s a very odd way for you to think.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 22/04/2019 08:42

Your perspective may be different from hers. That doesn't invaliate her feelings any more than hers.

Im guessing the hope is if you can emphasise with her a bit then maybe you can meet in the middle.

If you have no interest in doing that then it would be kinder to make that clear now and shut down any further requests.

Of course you are then utterly terminating the relationship. Genuine question: Is that what you want?

But i too think the who it is and what when wrong is a bit relevant here. Its the difference between whether you perspective is entirely justified or utterly callous and self serving.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 08:42

Lizzie, that is the long and the short of it. She’s trying to blame me initially, I’m sure the other party will get their turn for things, situations that are literally nothing to do with her.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 22/04/2019 08:53

I don’t know how anyone can help or share with a story told in drips and hints.

But from what I can see you don’t accept this persons belief that she is a victim and that you played a large part in what happened to him or her and their consequent problems.

But you imply you actually know more but won’t tell them because that would cause harm to them.

In which case there is a good chance that you actually have an unresolved role in the problems this person is experiencing. You are withholding something and deciding what is best for them.

So I’m going to say that no I don’t have experience in responding to someone’s pain in this way.

PanamaPattie · 22/04/2019 08:59

Counselling is like snake oil. It’s all a sham. The only people that benefit are the counsellors that are paid for their “services”. Talking about “stuff” doesn’t change anything. Shit happens. Move on.

OP - don’t engage. Not your problem.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 09:03

PanamaPattie - this is my worry, currently she’s pissed at one person, she could then be potentially pissed at two people and I’m bloody traumatised too and we are no further along.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 22/04/2019 09:14

This is my point. Your family member is clearly not benefiting from the sessions. She is getting nowhere and so she’s asking for a family session to somehow justify why the counselling isn’t working. Trying to shift the “blame” or point fingers won’t change the fact that something happened, someone apologised. The end. What is the point of going on about it? You can’t change what happened. Build a bridge. Get over it.

mummmy2017 · 22/04/2019 09:18

Oh we have one of them in the family...
They really don't like that people don't need or want drama in their life.

zaffa · 22/04/2019 09:29

OP it really depends who this person is. Is it your child? If so, and they believe you let them down and didn't protect them when you should have, them I think you do actually owe them more than just a vague write me a letter. If it's an ex or something that is a different situation.

LizzieSiddal · 22/04/2019 09:40

Counselling is like snake oil. It’s all a sham

Gosh what a stupid remark. Millions of people across the world have benefited from counselling. Maybe you’ve had a bad experience but millions have not.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 10:00

LizzieSiddal - I guess that’s what I want to know. Have millions of people benefitted from picking 3 year old scabs off. Does it help ? What if it doesn’t what’s the plan then ?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2019 10:02

Some people will benefit from picking them off, some won't.

If this is your child or someone you were in a position of authority over then I think you owe them a chance to try.

You say if you're honest it will point the finger at someone else but surely they deserve the truth?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 22/04/2019 10:29

I benefitted from 20 year old "scabs being picked off". It reminded me life was worth living and possibly saved my life.

Certainly not snake oil there.

Id had another batch of counselling that was disastrous. So i dont think you generalise either way.

But the thing is OP you only seem to acknowledge posters confirming your own perspective. More nuanced posters are ignored.

Interesting that

NoBaggyPants · 22/04/2019 10:48

People do benefit from going much further back than three years, and therapy will often open up more old wounds before it heels them.

You're not telling us enough to give any constructive advice. If this is some distant cousin and you were not directly involved in the harm, then you've no need to engage. If this is your child and you in some way contributed to the harm, even if with best intentions, then you'd be cruel not to try to mend that damage.

S1naidSucks · 22/04/2019 10:55

Counselling is like snake oil. It’s all a sham.

Utter bullshite. Counselling has saved my life. Don’t talk crap about stuff you obviously have no knowledge of.

OP, I don’t understand why you’re so reluctant to answer questions, regarding the person or incident. You’ve obviously just come on here to be told, you’re right, but since we have no clue about the relationship or incident, how can we tell?

InadvertentlyBrilliant · 22/04/2019 11:00

OP you say that you don't want to be interviewed about this and that you are over this stuff. But what about the fact that they aren't over it and are clearly suffering emotionally/mentally as a result?

If you did cause their problems in part why can't you just talk and say that you did the best you could with the info you had.

Why can't you accept responsibility for your part in the problems and reject things you weren't responsible for, even laying the blame firmly at the door of a 3rd party if that's the case?

I presume this is close family to you and maybe something good could come out of this. Perhaps a more honest relationship where you treat eat other as equals? NC isn't nice really. I know it sometimes has to be done for your sanity but to sort problems out would be much better for the sanity of both sides of possible. Even if there will be no reconciliation, both parties could end up at peace with the situation.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 11:10

NoBaggyPants - my concern is two fold, firstly having apologised and basically been told to shove it up my arse I cannot see what more I can do. Secondly that then gives me two choices, give the person a few home truths that then damages someone else’s relationship and she’s running out of those or just smile and say yes it was all my fault, when it bloody wasn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 11:11

InadvertentlyBrilliant - you’re not wrong.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 22/04/2019 11:21

The scab you talk of doesn’t mean that the would has healed, maybe it’s just festered m.

You don’t get a say when and how this person heals, your input is just to accept or decline the invitation to be part of the process.

I have seen up close the damage done by ‘the past is the past’ type of thinking and it isn’t pretty. You don’t come to terms with the past by pretending it didn’t happen.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 11:22

AgentJohnson - so get that

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 22/04/2019 11:32

PanamaPattie You have no idea what you are talking about.

Have millions of people benefitted from picking 3 year old scabs off. Does it help Who are you to decide if this person is benefiting or not? It will be different for everyone.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 11:35

differentnameforthis - it’s not a case of me deciding what works for them or not, but surely you can understand my concern if I’m expected to be part of it ? I’m a huge believer in do no harm, if you can’t make it better at least don’t make it worse

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2019 11:38

But is refusing to engage actually doing no harm? Is lying to them about who was actually responsible for the harm and thus leaving them in their lives and open to do more damage really doing no harm?

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2019 11:45

And you don't think you are harming them by hiding someone else who is at the route of this?

I think you are undermining the other person's experience, saying it has nothing to do with them, none of their bloody business etc. All very unhelpful!