Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

[Inliverpool1]

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

*root

OP is this to do with your mother that you posted on here this week about, or your daughter who wants to spend time with her despite you being no contact after the incident in 2015, or your nine year old son who doesn't want to be left alone so keeps calling your ex? I've had a look at what you've posted recently and it is hard to follow (I'm guessing you keep changing ages etc to maintain anonymity) but reading your post about your mother it sounds like your daughter has connected with your mother who abused you as a child and you tried to stop this. Is it your daughter therefor who wants to discuss these incidents from the past that I assume you consider to be none of her business as they happened to you and not her? Or does she feel that your abuse as a child has affected the way she was treated? It's difficult to know but if this is your daughter and she is only 15 then you absolutely owe her the time to talk through what is happening so she can process it and how it impacted her. What your mother did you to was awful, and if that is who you are protecting to your daughter she deserves the truth. But minimizing her feelings won't make any of this any better.

You appear to equate doing nothing, with doing no harm but you can not make that determination for someone else. If you don’t want to be involved, don’t be but pretending your non involvement is for their benefit is bull and you know it.

being involved

It's very bizarre that youd be asked along for something like that, I think.

Counselling is about healing and moving forward. Sometimes it's about processing it.

It really doesn't matter how long it's been, issues need to be dealt with. Sometimes issues recur and need to be dealt with multiple times.

I've had multiple bouts of counselling - my childhood had alot of violence and arguing. I've had two bouts of specialist therapy for when I was assaulted. The second bout was 3 years after the event. The first bout was more about piecing it all together, the second bout helped me process it and accept it.

But never was there any one there to confront. I was encouraged to write a letter to someone... I could send it if I wanted to or burn it. What mattered was getting it out in the open, on paper, out of my head.

I do think though that you could potentially help this person by acknowledging if you could have done things differently. If that is the case. Sometimes that can help.

OP, in your shoes I would welcome the opportunity to defend myself (even if this did mean involving a third party in the blame) if I was being accused of untruths. I generally do believe that transparency and honesty are better than trying to sweep things under the carpet.

Hi Liverpool I hope your ok you seem to be going through a rough time but also seems that your not being entirely honest about something. Your reluctancy to say who it is is weird to me. Being a brutely honest individual myself I believe dishonesty and secrecy causes more problem than smothing things over, ignore/overlook or sweeping them under the carpet which some ppl chose to do for an easy life but nothing ever gets resolved that way. Please be honest ppl without truth it's all just a lie x take care xxx

The request to do this and the counsellor saying something you said wasn't true sound very bizarre. What is the therapists qualification? You can be asked- but you don't need to say yes. You don't even need to explain why. You've offered for them to write to you? I think that's fair. Is this a sibling relationship?

No it’s not a sibling... it’s hard I’m not trying to lie to you or lie by omission to anyone .... I’m just scared this person is already isolated enough I just don’t want to take anyone else away from them

Therapist qualifications I don’t know but it’s via Camhs

I have been thinking about this (avoiding housework).
I have done joint therapy sessions with children who have been sexually abused and non abusing carers. But only at the end of the therapeutic process and with the aim of repairing the relationship.
Before undertaking the therapy there would be individual work with the carer so they were clear about what was happening and why. They would have their own therapeutic support in place.
The purpose of family therapy is to examine and change family functioning not just hold a one off dumping session, so hopefully that isn't the point of it.
I would ask a lot more questions about the purpose of the work and what support there would be for you. Although if this is CAMHS I suspect the support would have to come from another source.

Is it your daughter OP as you mention the CAmHS referral? @Inliverpool1 you should be doing everything you can to help her, especially if she is only 15, and isolated. Your other posts mention a difficult relationship with your ex and how both of you are constantly the bad guys and she is desperate for love. She sounds like a scared and confused child and you sound quite dismissive of the pain she is in. And it must be some significant issue to get a CAmHS referral and be undergoing continuing assistance. I'm also assuming she no longer lives with you as you only mention the nine year old and the 19 year old at home in your thread about going out at night - does she live with her father?

So the person in question is a child. I think this changes things significantly.

If this is your child, I can't imagine why you would refuse this request. You are an adult and should naturally be more emotionally resilient than a child. And if you've not been in your DD's life for the last 3 years, surely to God you want to reconcile?!

It's very hard for anyone to advise on this with so little context but you've now mentioned that the treatment is with CAMHS. I'd be surprised if you were asked to participate in a family session without there being very clear clinical reasons for doing so.

You could ask the practitioner for more information or discuss your concerns with them directly but to say that the thing that your relative (I'm assuming your child) is wanting to talk about is none of their business seems cold and damaging. If it's affected their life then to some extent it is their business.

If you have concerns about how much to disclose then please discuss this with the therapist.

feelingsinister - I did that and the therapist agreed with me

I didn’t use the term it’s none of their business. I basically said picking through our divorce with the he said she said wasn’t helpful and there’s my version, his version and the truth is somewhere in the middle. Which I believe is true

If this is a child, that changes things completely. And withholding that information is a tad devious from a posting point of view.

If it is a child and you have been absent for 3 years from their life, that does not mean you are not accountable. Your absence can still cause damage.

@Inliverpool1

You did actually. That's a very harsh tone to take with a child. If her issues are around the divorce of her parents then the impact is her business because it's clearly affected her.

Apologies, I don't know how to quote or copy text so had to use a screenshot. Why can't I quote?!

I think it's better to hurt ppl with the truth than "protect" them with a lie. There is no excuse to lie especially if this person is so troubled by the situation and has to go to therapy.

Your child and you're refusing you engage with her therapy? You cant see how her parents divorce might impact on her.

Wow just wow. There are no words.

Don't worry about it feelingsinister I have no idea how to do anything on her but write, keep having to ask about all the terminology x

Hang on, this is your child and you think your divorce is nothing to do with her?

Its clearly impacted her.

I actually think you are being very closed off and this may be the reason for a lot of her problems.

@Lovestruk and @feelingsinister

You can't quote on this forum. Putting @ before a user name will send that person a email to notify them that you have addressed them, as long as they haven't turned that function off

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Thanks @differentnameforthis