Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

[Inliverpool1]

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

I do understand her perspective is different and I also am very aware why it is different. My fear is around at this time, is it even good practice to change that ?

Have you tried to just accept that your daughter feels the way she does.

They are her feelings, not yours.

It’s not for you to conclude how she should be feeling. Not at all.

What’s so difficult about that?

@Iggly totally and that’s why we’ve had limited contact for three years and let’s be honest if her perspective doesn’t changes that’ll be the future too. She doesn’t have a relationship with her siblings because they don’t hate me. I know you might feel like you’re bang your head against a wall with me, I get that. That’s how I feel about her tbh

But she is only 15 - really DCs don't grow up until maybe mid 20s. What she is now is not what she will be in 5 years. I would say it is worth doing what she asks for a better understanding between you when she is an adult.

@PrincessTiggerlily I also appreciate that. Or it could push her further away and everything spirals. It’s knowing what to do for the best isn’t it

@Inliverpool1 it's clear you've made your mind up here. Why not just own your decision? Are you just hoping that we will tell you that you're right and absolve you of the responsibility of stepping up for your child?

For what it's worth, I think you're making it worse and I don't think you come across as though you really care, as long as you aren't inconvenienced any further by her utter shite and attention seeking behavior.

I think the best thing is to try. Speak to the counsellors at Cahms.
For the moment you just have to take what she throws at you, but that doesn’t mean you are wrong.
She will grow up. This is your moment to try and establish a connection with her if that’s what you want.
You really really have to be the grown up here, and that means listening to stuff you don’t agree with, without reacting, the truth will rise to the top, it invariably does.

I really do think the first thing is to speak to Camhs with your version of events.
They really need to have frank and full truth of how you all perceive situation, why choices that were made were made and where you are all coming from before they can put you back together again.

I'd also suggest to Camhs that it's not benefiting the situation with her attending with father. Sounds like she's still caught between the 2 of you post divorce and she needs to be removed from that situation entirely and speak about her and her feelings with just her there and her truth.

I’m not inconvenienced by her behaviour, the person that’s suffering is her.

I’m sorry for the drip feed that’s my fault but how all this came about was her reading texts off his phone and reacting to them. What’s none of her business is the fact that he overpays £100 a month more than the CMS says he has to because that figure covers 50% of the childcare bill. I’m not suggesting for a moment her feelings about the divorce are none of her business but the nuts and bolts aren’t, I’m sorry they aren’t and what 15 year old do you know gives a shit about what their dad pays in child support ? My other kids don’t ? I doubt they even know. And that was my point to cahms and they agreed, she should be worried about co ordinating her shoes with her lipstick at that age not her fathers finances.

Would you honestly drive 100 miles there and back, have your friends leaving uni early to pick your kids up from school to sit and listen to that ?

Yes @Inliverpool1 I would. I would do whatever my child needed if it was within my power to do it. And I would sit through all the anger and the accusations and I would listen and I would show up. Every single time. Because one day her perceptions may change and I would not want my daughter to think that I couldn't be bothered. And whether you can or not isn't relevant - what matters here is how she interprets your apathy and lack of involvement.

And showing up doesn't mean turning up with a passive aggressive attitude about how the therapist and everyone else is wrong, it means turning up and facing hard truths about her feelings and putting her ahead of how inconvenienced you are by her request for your attention.

Three years with limited contact with her mother? You don't think she is desperate for your attention by now?

@zaffa ok that’s fair.

But the point is that she IS giving a shit about the money. It might be more helpful to be curious about why that is. Him "overpaying" (and I'm not saying that's wrong) means there is less money in their household for her. If she's only had his side of the story about the divorce maybe she thinks you're a mean money grabbing cow. She must think something about you, if you're NC.

You said something along the lines of you don't keep your temper/keep calm when you're talking about this. That's the very first thing, learn to keep your cool. She needs that from you, and if you get angry and raise your voice everybody will shut down to what you're saying.

she should be worried about co ordinating her shoes with her lipstick at that age not her fathers finances.

Bloody hell, you sound so utterly dismissive of her concerns (whatever they are).

@LizzieSiddal at 15 she shouldn’t have any concerns!

@LordWheresMyShoes there’s £100,000 a year going into that household. What I actually do with the extra £100 per month is £50 goes into her uni savings fund and the other £50 is pocket money for her, but why the fuck should I have to explain that, I mean seriously, she just shouldn’t know

@LordWheresMyShoes as for what she thinks, she’s got a bloody list! I don’t want to pick him apart.

But she does know (half of it) and she does care.

At 15 I was into art at school. My sketchbooks are full of the usual still life, animals, etc. They're also full of dark collages and clearly demonstrate what an emotionally turbulent time I was having. 9/11 happened when I was that age, and I was fairly sure it was the beginning of another world war. I had a beloved pet died, I cried myself to sleep every night for a year, and wrote poetry about how at least he wouldn't have to experience this cruel new world. I wasn't a particularly unusual 15 year old, I didn't tell most people my inner thoughts and certainly didn't have counselling. My point is that 15 year olds most certainly think, feel and worry about way more than lipstick and shoes. I hear what you're saying in terms if it shouldn't be something that she should have to worry about, but when you say that all she should be worrying about is lipstick and shoes it sounds like you're minimising/ghosting the fact that 15 year olds are developing young adults and they very much do think about and have emotions about adult issues.

Op. You've got a better chance of your daughter acknowledging your differing point of view at this point. If you let this chance go- her views will become entrenched, worsened by you not taking part in this process and her memories will take on a life of their own. Parents often take part in CAMHS sessions I understand - it won't all be rosy for them.
If your daughter has mental health difficulties then processing what's happened will be even more difficult for her. Doesn't mean it was your fault but you can be a piece of her jigsaw and understanding her life story.

I don't like the sound of you being told you're a liar. That's quite a confrontational thing for a psychologist to say. How was that put across?

@LordWheresMyShoes I know you’re right and she is a sensitive girl that probably is worried about the world at large too, but I appear to have become the focus of all this. And I want to protect her not add to it

You protect her by being there for her when she needs you. I expect most parents make mistakes, I know I made plenty, but being there for your kids is fundamental.

She needs to see that you're doing whatever is needed to support her.

@Girlofgold - I was being criticised for the children having au pairs and nanny’s - by the counsellor - “ can you imagine how X felt being left with nanny’s” not so I could go on a world cruise, so I could work. I explained we were in a situation where if I didn’t work we were all stuffed. I had the police at my door because he’d got my then 14 year old to break into my house and as a result of that conversation the police officer - female - turned around to me and said if you can’t look after them they’ll have to go to foster care. Now obviously I now know that’s bollocks but that was what I was told at the time. And that was what I recalled to the cahms person, that was the level of pressure I was under, get your arse to work to pay for the house etc or your children will be removed. So that was why they had nanny’s. But actually what does it matter what reason I was at work and they had nanny’s they weren’t in any worse situation than any other kid in childcare. How is that something that requires exploring in counselling?

It’s this kind of stuff that he thinks and as a result she thinks is perfectly reasonable behaviour. He was looking after them, it was his contact time, but he didn’t want them at the hotel any more so he thinks it’s perfectly fine to come to my house and send my kids around the back to look for an open window to break into my home. Well I heard the noise and hid in the bathroom and dialled 999 .... it’s then my fault. And she relays the tale about that time you locked us out of our house. Another time he was due to pick them up, we were running late so he takes it upon himself to walk into my house and use the facilities to take a piss. And I’m in the wrong for telling him to get the duck out ? The neighbors called the police then too.

So if you have become the focus of it all then I think that's one of the most important reasons why you should show up and facilitate her processing it all. If it were you in your daughter's shoes, you'd want to know, I think. You'd also be of the opinion that you could handle it. And you know what, with the counselling I think she would be able to.

Do talk to the counsellor in a private appointment first - maybe you can do that on the telephone (or a skype call - being able to see each other's faces can be helpful) so you don't need to travel for that bit. Stay calm. Express your concerns - hopefully this thread has helped you to articulate them. Understand and accept that the counsellor won't break confidentiality so don't expect to learn much about what she's been saying to them. Listen to what the counsellor thinks is the best course of action for helping your daughter, and go with that, in person. Remember to breathe. Stay calm. If in doubt, remind yourself and her that you love her, even if it's the tenth time you've had to say it. Xxxx

The coldness in your posts and attitude towards your daughter beggars belief.

@MIA12 well that’s self preservation because me and the other kids can not cope with the drama any more.