Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

[Inliverpool1]

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

@Inliverpool1 whether it's the factual truth or not, today that is her truth. And if you want to help her see things with more clarity then you need to put aside your own desire to be vindicated from her accusations and listen to what she is saying and accept that that is how she sees it. I don't see what the alternative is unless you are proposing to just write her off completely?

Ime it will help eventually.

Atm she's assigning ALL blame to you. She probably knows it's not what you said but she's Ainu g it at you for some reason. Maybe because you've disengaged and she's trying to hurt you for that or maybe to get your attention because it's you she wants not an empty apology.

I would talk to Camhs again. Say that many of the thing are factually incorrect but you accept your DD is feeling this way.
Ask if you can watch the sessions and then talk to councillor 1:1 afterwards. Discuss what factually happened and how you can BOTH (you and psych) help for process the feelings. Ask them for advice for what to do or say.

When my ds saw Camhs (asd and anxiety) I spoke to his psych alone after. Different circumstance because ds was literally clinging to me rather than blaming me as it was anxiety. But they helped me to know how to react or not to react to certain things. (Eg his head butting walls etc). They also helped me to feel more confident in myself and stop responding in a way I thought looked good to judgypants onlookers but rather in a way that helped him. It really worked.
At first i was a bit at some suggestions and also quite when ds would say he didn't like things I was doing/saying. (Because they weren't nasty he just didn't want to tow the line!). But working through this got me to understand what others here are saying. His feelings and my actions are separate. Him feeling my actions hurt didn't mean they were wrong.
By Camhs had to get him into a good place before they could change his mindset. After the initial sessions they went into school and got them on board.

@youarenotkiddingme sounds sensible, I shall email tomorrow and see what they say

You need to show them the actual evidence and explain it really isnt your fault you tried your best and while you will accept and apologise for your part in the matter you will not accept fault and blame where it does not belong they need to work with her and not start with the premise that everything she spouts is the truth

@slipperywhensparticus naively I kinda hoped that was what happened but they’d had two sessions with him and her beforehand and tbh he’s a calm quiet man where as I am not tbh, I do react especially when a counsellor who wasn’t there tells me I’m lying.

Having been through it all with the courts tbh I’m just exhausted you know ?

Put ball in councillors court if they say you're lying.

Smile nicely and ask them to tell you what happened then.

You are likely to get some response about how the attitude isn't helping but you can then calming explain that you are struggling to understand why they accept dd version of events as fact and assume you are lying and ask how they see this helping you to move on?

@youarenotkiddingme tbf when I explained further and smiled (basically said you weren’t there stfu) she seemed to accept that

Well, then she gets to talk about it, process it, make up her own mind about where she wants to go from there. Over time she may come to the realisation that you did the best you could. Time is a healer they say.

Teenagers feel so much. They feel every emotion and so very very strongly. It may seem like dramatic and overreacting to us sometimes but it's really their brain processing things a little different to us. So although you may not see the merit in it, there is most likely a reason why she needs it done this way.

Has the councilor, read the notes...
Maybe you could ask to meet them, not anyone else to talk then through. Tell them you feel attacked and backed into a corner, that you feel if you raise the truth, it will do more harm than good..

I’m glad you’ve decided to talk to the therapist. I can see your concerns, and you need some proper advice about how to get out of the corner you’ve ended up backing yourself into, without damaging your child’s mental health more.

But you have to ensure that CAHMS understand the reality of the divorce and then the lies your dd has been told, so you can have a proper adult discussion about how to move forwards from here.

If you carry on acting like a disengaged and uncaring parent, you’ll be judged as one, and nothing can progress as your dd won’t be dealing with the truth.

@Inliverpool1 You are missing my point. The things that happen to those around us DO affect us, more than you realise!

With limited information people are left to put the pieces of the jigsaw together without the picture, of course we do not know what happened, but you are allowing speculation to continue by being so vague (and I am the first to say you don't owe us any information)

When you come on here with such a strong reaction to a CHILD'S pain & their journey, supplying so little background info what do you want us to say?

Again, my mother was like you. Narcissistic and believing no one else suffered as she did, and no one suffered at her hand. My abuse was because she was forced to birth me, not because she made a choice to be abusive!

You said she doesn't want reconcile, do you?

@Inliverpool1 Then you go on to admit that you hurt her, yet you said earlier it was none of her business and nothing happened to her.

You are confusing op!

My mother's way of saying sorry was "I didn't mean it but you made me angry/you didn't do your chores/you did the ironing wrong/you didn't eat your dinner" Felt like an apology at the time, but in reality all excuses from the abusers handbook.

Oh & op, NONE of my abuse was physical! Except a few months before I left home and she battered me while I was sat down. I pushed her out the way with my foot and the next day she said "I hit you because you kicked me" no mum, you hit me because I told you to stop being nasty about my boyfriend's family. But change history to suit yourself. It's what you always do...

I think you are right not to go. Sounds horrible. I think I’m kind of guessing you got to be the baddie to a child in a relationship breakdown .
Scant consolation to you, but they probably have a smidgen of doubt about the version they have swallowed all these years.however, if your experience tells you that they will never be able to hear the truth, you are probably right.
I should just send them my love and best wishes, apologise again for the I big mistake and tell them , no matter how it seems, you never stopped loving them.

@3dogs2cats Perhaps read a bit more then. This about her 15yr odl daughter.

OP has admitted that she hurt her daughter in some way, and has said it's "none of her business" and implied that she has no rights to feel anything about events that didn't happen to her.

it was the if there was anything I could do to go back in time and change it I would type apology. So no apology then? And she knows you cannot go back in time, so you can't change it, so therefore why even bother with that "apology" anyway? The words aren't worth the air they floated out of your mouth on.

And as @Zaffa said, this is all about you. You want us to empathize with you, but you don't tell us why. You just want us to condemn your 15yr old daughter. If you are struggling with her, imagine how much she is struggling herself?

@SleepWarrior - great post.
This is about her perception of what happened. I have an autistic daughter, and her perception is often very different to others. What she tells me is her absolute truth of a situation, she isn't lying, exaggerating etc. She tells me what her brain perceived to be happening. For ex. a man tapped her on her shoulder to indicate that she had dropped a coin. She recoiled (unexpected touch is a major no no for her, he had NO way of knowing this) and coudn't process anything. At home she told me that he hit her. He didn't. I was there, it was a gentle tap. But because of how her mind works, and how her body perceives touch, to her it felt like punch.

Other people perceive things completely differently to us. You need to open mind to the fact that this isn't about YOUR perceptions.

she’s talking utter shite For fuck sake. You really do NOT get it. She is talking what she perceives her reality to be. If your perception is different, you OWE her the truth. Yes, it may be painful, she may lose everything but let's be honest, she doesn't have a whole fucking lot, does she? Poor girl.

You need to explain your perception of event. tell her, "I am sorry that you feel like this. What can I do to help you move forward" not this 'If I could go back blah blah" because again, that makes it all about you.
Having been through it all with the courts tbh I’m just exhausted you know ? And your daughter is loving this and rejoicing at yet more counseling... smh

Smile nicely and ask them to tell you what happened then. No. Please do not do that. The counselor is on your daughter's side, don't try to be clever, or piss her off. Understand that she is working with your daughter's perception of events, which as I said above, is very valid and real to your daughter. Regardless, it would be VERY unprofessional for the counselor to say you lied, so I query if she actually did, however, your perception of it is that she did.

explain that you are struggling to understand why they accept dd version of events as fact and assume you are lying and ask how they see this helping you to move on? - @youarenotkiddingme

Why would they NOT accept her daughter's retelling of events? They are there for her daughter, not her. They work on the premise that her daughter is retelling her perception of events. What do you expect them to do??

she’s talking utter shite You really do NOT get it. She is talking about what she perceives her reality to be. If your perception is different, you OWE her the truth. Yes, it may be painful, she may lose everything but let's be honest, she doesn't have a whole fucking lot, does she? Poor girl.

It starting to sound to me like you don't want to taint her perception of her father, because she may want to come home to you if she sees his true colours. You don't' sound like you want her, or love her at all.

Tell her, "I am sorry that you feel like this. What can I do to help you move forward" not 'If I could go back and change it... blah blah" because again, that makes it all about you. It's not an apology.

Having been through it all with the courts tbh I’m just exhausted you know? [eyeroll] Parenting IS exhausting of done right.

Smile nicely and ask them to tell you what happened then. No. Please do not do that. The counselor is on your daughter's side, don't try to be clever, or piss her off. Understand that she is working with your daughter's perception of events, which as I said above, are very valid and real to your daughter. Regardless, it would be VERY unprofessional for the counselor to say you lied, so I query if she actually did, however, your perception of it is that she did, so that's all we have to go on.

explain that you are struggling to understand why they accept dd version of events as fact and assume you are lying and ask how they see this helping you to move on? - @youarenotkiddingme

Why would they NOT accept her daughter's retelling of events? They are there for her daughter, not her. They work on the premise that her daughter is retelling her perception of events. What do you expect them to do, tell her that they can't believe her because she is a child? Isolate her more? That isn't what counseling is.

@Lovestruk I'm sorry But you will be happy to know that I have 2 beautiful girls that more than make up for my childhood. She is nothing to me now. Although I hear she constantly shares my childhood photos on fb. But she doesn't share the childhood she gave me...funny that

@differentnameforthis I’m sorry for what happened to you but it’s absolutely not relevant or similar or on any where near the scale of what’s going on here with my family. Thank you for your thoughts

@3dogs2cats that’s spot on. Still undecided but frankly she does need time and to just grow up.

Op. Is this your daughter? I really hope not, because you sound as unsupportive as it gets, and quite frankly cold as hell.

Is this your daughter?

Something that happened 3 years ago? I was expecting 30 years ago or at least 13 for it to be such a lost cause.
I don't think counsellors will automatically believe one side of the story after an acrimonious separation. They must come across this all the time.
You suggest what your DD is thinking, how she will respond to the info and how it will make her situation worse. But I don't think you can know how someone else will respond to things.

I’ve actually concluded from everyone’s comments about what counseling should be in your experiences that the one we saw wasn’t very good. Who the hell tries to hold a woman accountable for having to hire nannies to go to work in 2019 ? How exactly is that anyone’s fault for god sake it’s just life ?

@Bluntness100 I’m far from unsupportive with things that can be changed, even criticism of me, but I didn’t cause the divorce, I didn’t cause any of the situations that followed, could I have made better choices - yes, would I now if I could change them, of course. But I cannot go back in time

@PrincessTiggerlily my fear is, she lives with father and the wicked step mother. SM has just about had enough too tbh. If this gets worst than it is it’ll either break their relationship up and remove the home they have and frankly he was in a bedsit before he met her so that doesn’t bode well. Or SM will kick her out at the first opportunity which what I see coming and he’ll let her. Then what ?

@Inliverpool1 Did you read anything I said?

I never said my experience was similar to what was going on with your family. I am using my experience to give you insight into how your daughter could be feeling and why. I have tried to make you see it from her perspective and understand how that perspective would be different to yours.

You are an adult, how you perceive things to be is vastly different to how your child perceives them to be. This has been going on a few years, so she really was very young when it all started.

You really don't seem to care, you are so quick to dismiss those who question you and ready to embrace those who agree with you.