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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

243 replies

Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 22:33

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 22/04/2019 16:30

I think you have done some untold damage to your relationship with her. And dismissing her how you do regarding events that happened to you, implying that she shouldn't be affected by it is just hoping this "problem" will go away!

Like it or not, when we have kids we make a contract of sorts with them to get them to adult hood with as little damage as possible, and you don't seem to care about that!

I have been through my mother's marriage to and divorce from my father. Several boyfriends.
Her wedding, marriage and divorce from my stepdad, and her affair fall out during that marriage.
The horrible way she treated my step dad who I still adore, him leaving and her moving her boyfriend in the next day (he actually started to stay over before my step dad left)
Then her marriage to him, and their constant fighting, and her blaming us for any issues they went through.
Then her "attempting" to commit suicide (by throwing pills all over her room, not consuming any), on his deceased mum's birthday of all days (yes, deliberately to be spiteful because he was upset and not focusing all his attention on her)

Believe me, it has an effect on you as a child. This all happened before I was 16 by the way. I totally get your daughter not wanting to reconcile, because you appear to be failing to see how hurt and in need of help she is. You don't have her back in all this.

I really hope she has someone genuine on her side.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2019 16:31

@Lovestruk Anytime!

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 16:58

differentnameforthis - its far from not caring. Currently she has support - whether I like that support or not it’s there. The last thing I want to do is alienate that support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 16:59

But no she doesn’t have anyone genuine on her side, nothing is agenda free and that’s what I feel is utterly wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:00

@differentnameforthis but nothing you describe has happened to her.

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 22/04/2019 17:02

Did you do something that hurt them?

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:04

@RuffleCrow yes for which I have acknowledged and apologised

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 22/04/2019 17:18

What sort of a sorry was it? There's a big difference between

"Look, I'm sorry for x, I've already apologised to you for it 3 times but you're still going on about it, plus y and Z which were really bobs fault so I don't even understand why you keep bringing that up."

and

"I can see that x obviously had a huge effect on you and I didn't realise that before. I'm so sorry for all the damage that I've done, including the things that I don't know about. Unfortunately parenting is tough and I was struggling myself. That doesn't make it OK that I hurt you, but I just want you to understand that it wasnt ever intentional. What would YOU like to do next? Talk it through some more, find some things we could do to try and move on and repair our relationship? The ball is entirely in your court. I can wait as long as you need, it's the least I can do"

I'm sure there are many possibilities in between those two, but if it was anything near the first one then that is perhaps part of the reason why the apology hasn't made any headway.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:24

@SleepWarrior - it was the if there was anything I could do to go back in time and change it I would type apology.

Equally and I’m trying desperately not to minimise this, but she wasn’t abused, physically or emotionally - I appreciate that’s only my opinion - and there’s no excuse for ongoing behaviour - I’m no fan of the ex but screaming at him she wishes he was dead, baracading herself in her room refusing to go to school so he gets fined for non attendance, I mean where does it end. Hence my fear, and that’s all it is of making things worse

OP posts:
zaffa · 22/04/2019 17:28

The thing is OP your first post is quite dismissive. It's all about you - you're over this stuff. For your sanity you can't do this, you won't justify your decisions, you don't want to do this. It took us a long time to clarify this was your daughter - and only once that came out did your tone soften even slightly.

She is your child and she clearly needs something from you. If you aren't able to help her then you may very well benefit from some counseling yourself, because as her mother you do have an obligation to help her get through what is clearly a painful time in her life.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:32

@zaffa it keeps returning to the point of rightly or wrongly at this point my thoughts are what good would it do pointing out the other flaws, wrong doings, whatever you want to call it. My concern is the outcome - that she hates us both, well then what ?

OP posts:
Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 17:36

@Inliverpool1 I would have to agree with @zaffa I have posted on here and am so appreciative of ppl taking time out of their life to help me with whatever advice they come up with, you on the other hand have become defensive why post for advice then done take it, be sketchy and expect ppl to sympathise with you I do t think this will happen.

Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 17:38

@differentnameforthis you earlier post made me cry. There are some great women on here giving advise that may help if taken on board x

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:41

@Lovestruk I don’t want or need sympathy I asked if people felt it was helpful. Some have said yes some have said no

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 22/04/2019 17:41

Having worked with many young people, it is unlikely in my experience that she hates you. Your daughter has clearly been wounded by whatever has gone on between you and your ex. That is simply a fact. Whether you think she should have or not is just your opinion.
Children will often hold the trauma in the family.
And it comes out in behaviour.
You have an opportunity to help her but need to go in to any session with no agenda of your own other than to help her heal. So no defensiveness or minimising or blaming her for her behaviour or feelings.
See it as an opportunity you are lucky to be afforded to help your child - rather than a punishment - and some good might come of it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/04/2019 17:43

If this is your child, why wouldn’t you go and engage?

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/04/2019 17:43

Even if it’s hard?

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:45

@clearingaspaceforthecat - so straight forward honest question - what it appears I am being asked for is my version of events. The apologies etc are out of the way. Is that going to move things forward for her ? Because the impression I have so far is she doesn’t want to hear anything other than everything is my fault despite previous cafcass, section 7’s and ultimate three judges decision to the contrary. That holds no weight with her whatsoever

OP posts:
zaffa · 22/04/2019 17:47

But she's a child. The behavior that you describe says that she needs something from both of you. She is under the care of CAMHS who are notoriously over burdened and incredibly hard to get help out of, and they are suggesting you do this to help her. Surely you do whatever you need to? If you are worried that certain revelations will cause more damage then you book a private meeting with her therapist and voice your concerns. But I'm fairly certain they will recommend you turning up and doing what she needs from you, because they will be there to manage the fall out.

Do you want to help her, or do you just want this all to go away?

SleepWarrior · 22/04/2019 17:48

I guess the things that mess a person up don't always seem obvious. Some who have been through awful abuse come out the other side relatively in one piece of they have a perfect storm of resilient personality, being believed and cared for and a decent support system.

Maybe the things that happened to your daughter are relatively minor (although don't fall into the trap of assuming that she wasn't abused by someone else just because you don't know about it), but she has a vulnerable personality and never felt listened to or supported because there was never anything particularly 'wrong' in anyone's else's eyes.

The reality is she's struggling and in pain now. Even if she is exaggerating and manipulating the past, that in itself is a concerning symptom because what teenager would like to do that for fun? If she feels the need to its indicative of much deeper pain and trouble. Attention seeking (if that's even part of it) isn't just a silly irritation, it's almost a defence mechanism in response to a lack of positive attention. So something has gone wrong somewhere.

You may be right in many ways (I have no idea) but she sounds like she has a lot she needs to have heard in order to process her feelings and move on. I think I'd just sit back and listen as openly as I could for as long as it takes. I'm sure it will be tough and take its toll on you, but it's probably her best chance for a normal future. All of this current angst with you will still be continuing to shape her mind and future relationships in a very negative way.

Maybe you could get some separate counselling for yourself along side this in order to process it all you for you? It does sound hard for you too and you obviously haven't had an easy time of it.

zaffa · 22/04/2019 17:51
  • my point ref CAMHS was that if an agency so overburdened has prioritized her and suggested this to offer help then I think it's pretty clear this is something you should do that they believe will assist. As previous posters said - this is about her. You don't need to prove or disprove - you need to tell your side of this story and listen to how she interpreted what happened - and if necessary you need to accept that whilst that isn't what you thought was happening, that is what a scared little girl told herself to make sense of the situation and now she needs help to un muddle it all.
dreichuplands · 22/04/2019 17:52

Whatever is going on in your family has plainly been going on for years so it seems very unlikely that one therapy session would produce a magic cure. But if it was engaged in honestly it might be a meaningful step along the way.
Equally some dc need to accept that there parents can never provide them with the parenting they desire and deserve.
Only you are going to know if you are able to commit to supporting your dc through this process or whether she would be better to work on adjusting her expectations of you.
It is very rare for dc not to love their parents regardless of their actions.

Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 17:55

You sound so defensive and insensitive I can understand why your daughter is angry try to act like you care and stop repelling ppls advice I was going to suggest something but I'm sick of your attitude and am not going to take anymore time out of my life to try help you. Good luck OP I hope your daughter is alright from all this have to say I couldn't really care less about you as you sound like a heartless cow x take care xxx

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:56

@zaffa - but to be blunt, and forgive me I’ve had a few wines as I’m child free this weekend- she’s talking utter shite. It’s her mouth moving but his words coming out. He’s completely rewritten history, I have factual evidence of this. I don’t want to confuse the kid further because what she is accusing me of is actually exactly what he did. Bad mouthing the other parent but btw I’m now going to send you back to live with the person I’ve just lambasted

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 22/04/2019 18:07

I don't know what is going to happen in the session. But it is clearly important to your daughter.
If you are asked for your version of events, answer with kindness, be gentle and honest. Accept full responsibility for your part (even if you feel it is unjust).
Ask her whether she needs to know anything else. Step towards her emotionally - don't hide behind justifications.
And most importantly, listen, listen, listen - and accept her experience is her experience and is valid.
For whatever reason, whatever has led her here, this is where she is.
You may well have apologised 100 times before and may need to do so 100 times more.
This is your child and she is in pain. I am sure you will want to do what it takes, if it is at all in your power, to help her - even though it is hurting you.