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Original poster

Husband working away from home ..... feel heartbroken

148 replies

jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 11:37

Its a long story how we ended up in this situation but DH left last night to start new job away from home. He will be back for weekends and I know others have to go through much worse but I just feel heartbroken.

I miss him so much already. We are a very close couple and hate spending time apart. I know DD will be fine as only 6 months old but not sure I can spend all week without seeing him.

Currently can't afford to all relocate to where his job is so for the time being this is it, unless we live in small flat with a massive mortgage and put on hold any plans for another baby.

In tears all day yesterday and today. Do you think this is over the top? Does anyone else's DP work away from home - does it get better?

OP posts:
Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 11:43

Sorry - forgot to say - I am new to the site though often read the posts and see lots of good advice being given.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 11:45

I feel so sorry for you. Yes there are a few of us on MN who do not see our husbands as often as we would like.

I am not in quite such a bad situation as you as my husband is based at home but he goes on foreign business trips most weeks, sometimes for the whole week and sometimes for less. I find it very hard but I have 4 children and a phobia which makes life without dh even harder.

All I can say is, yes , it does get better in a way. Through necessity you have to get used to it and learn to adapt a bit. Much as I miss my husband desperately and wish every day that he could have a job that did not involve travel, I have to admit there are some nice things about him being away, eg I am not woken by his snoring in the night and I can watch what I like on tv in the evenings. These are small things admittedly and obviously I would rather have dh snoring and watching crap tv, but you have to find small compensations and learn to enjoy them for what they are.

How long do you think you will be in this situation?

DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 11:48

I would also advise that you do special things at the weekend to make up for his absence during the week. Recently, my dh has been trying a lot harder with the children, spending individual time with them and also we have made more of an effort to go out as a family at the weekend where previously we tended to just drift through the weekends doing nothing in particular. Since we have started doing more altogether, I have a feeling of living more (instead of just getting through the weeks and drifting through the w/es) and this does help when you are apart.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 11:53

Its really hard to say how long we will be in this situation as he is just starting the job and things are a bit uncertain but we are hoping there may be a chance of him working from home for a day a week which would make a big difference so I am clinging on to that at the moment but don't know how realistic this is.

I know we just have to take it a week at a time at the moment but I just feel so heavy hearted - we both do. I don't want to be upset infront of DD but finding it hard.

Wow it must be hard for you with 4 children when your dh is away. To be honest, with just the one DD I am not too worried about looking after her on my own or the practical side of things I just miss him and feel terribly lonely.

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daisyandbabybootoo · 15/07/2007 12:07

jumpyjan, my DH started a new job in february 130 miles away, and is away three or four nights a week, leaving a 6mo pregnant me to cope with a full time job and a four year old.

It is tough not having him around and i miss him terribly, especially now as i have a 6 week old baby and a five year old to contend with, but it does get easier.

the emotional side of things will always be tough, but you get into a routine with the day to day stuff and we talk twice a day on the phone. things have been harder since the baby as he tends to sleep downstairs with her at weekends to gve me a break, but we are slowly getting things into a new routine. We are also considering a move, but our house isn't in a postition to be sold atm and i have a nice support network here for me and the DCs so loathe to move where i won't know anyone.

It will get better for you, i promise.

and welcome to mumsnet, it's a great place!

daisyandbabybootoo · 15/07/2007 12:10

lol DG about the nice bits...I'm starting to get quite territorial about the bed and resent having to share it with him!

....and i get to watch what I want on TV all week

allgonebellyup · 15/07/2007 12:12

dont really see how that would upset me!!
dont you like having time apart, and having your own space?
certainly wouldnt make me cry, thats for sure.

my dh works away for 2 weeks and comes back every 2nd weekend.its no big deal.

edam · 15/07/2007 12:14

I do feel for you jumpyjan. Presumably there is no way you can split the difference and move near enough to his work for him to commute a few days a week, even if he has to stay overnight in new location the rest?

I've heard economists saying house prices in this country are actually messing up the economy because people can't afford to move for new jobs. And you are living proof of that, unfortunately.

lucykate · 15/07/2007 12:16

we have been though this, dh worked away monday-friday for 10 months before we moved, me at home with dd and ds. yes it was hard, he missed us all, it must have been strange for dd as she was old enough to know that daddy wasn't around much. we kept in touch via email mostly, sent photo's.

best thing for you to do is keep busy, plan stuff to tackle in the evenings when your dd is asleep, even if its just sorting out wardrobes, re-folding clothes that kind of thing.

i have to say, when dh was away, that was when i discovered mumsnet, so i actually liked having my evenings to myself so i could mn to my hearts content.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 12:42

thanks daisyandbabybootoo, yes I feel the same about support network here. I don't have a lot of friends in the area but have a few plus support network in terms of decent health visitors etc. We have agreed to talk lots on the phone too as worried we will stop communicating and loose track of what is going on in each others lives.

edam - I would consider moving if we could make it work. Problem is we live in the westcountry and have a quality of life that is hard to match elsewhere due to house prices/cost of living etc - also its a great area to bring up DD down here. I think we would lose sleep over the mortgage payments if we went for it and bought in the South East where his job is. I know things are crazy re house prices - feel so angry that it is house prices that are basically keeping us apart.

yes Luckykate, agree I need to keep busy - think Mumsnet will help!

I think its worse as the plan was that we would all go up together but we realised a couple of days before dh was due to go that it was just not feasible financially so have not had time to get used to idea before DH had to leave.

I know I need to snap out of it but I am so close to tears all the time. The house feels very empty.

Thanks all for your comments and advice.

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DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 12:46

Honestly, I know the crying all day thing. I have done that too and still do sometimes when a crisis makes me extra worried, but it is nothing to be ashamed of (ignore allgonebellyup's post ).

The thing is, you won't always cry when dh goes away. It may take time but you do get used to it to some extent. Concentrate on being strong in front of dd but indulge yourself when she is asleep if you want to. It is no disgrace to miss your dh and want to cry about it.

edam · 15/07/2007 12:52

I know what you mean re. house prices. And if you are settled where you are and it's a good place to bring dd up it would be hard to leave.

If he's in London, how about M4 corridor, though? There are nice places to live closer to the capital.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 12:53

Thanks Dumbledores girl - glad I am not the only one who has been feeling this way.

One minute I am ok and then the next I start thinking about the future or how many days till I see DH and get really panicy about what we are going to do as I just don't think this is a long term option.

Also just feel sad when I think about things like what to do about dinner as that is normally my favourite part of the day - DH cooks while I feed DD, then we eat together and talk about everything.

I know I am being a bit pathetic and feeling sorry for myself - hope I wake up tomorrow feeling more positive.

I think the fact that it is a rainy Sunday is not helping.

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edam · 15/07/2007 12:53

(If it's any comfort, we live in a very nice area in commuting distance of London but downside is we feel like paupers are there are SO many rich people with massive houses here. Have to remind myself we are very lucky, really.)

edam · 15/07/2007 12:54

Have you got Skype (cheapy internet phone calls) or webcam so you and dd can see dh while he's away? Might help bridge the gap.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 13:00

Thanks Edam - if you have any suggestions of any nice areas to research where DH could commute to London from and where it is possible to buy a house without being mega rich I would love to hear them as I don't know SE very well.

The area we did look at we could only afford a very small flat in a not great area. It would have meant getting rid of our furniture and some of our stuff which just felt wrong as it has taken us years to build up what we have. It also would of cost DH £300 a month on travel but I guess we are going to come across that anywhere.

Sorry if I sound a bit clueless but what places are there in the M4 corridor?

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DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 13:19

Where in London is he working? We used to live in West Sussex and dh at one point commuted quite easily to West London from there (south London would have been easier though).

I can't say the house prices were that low, but they weren't meg huge as in some places I know.

Where are you now? I am north of Bristol and although dh works in South Wales at the moment, we chose where we lived so that he could reach places such as Birmingham and Swindon in the event that he needed to change jobs again (ie we are close to M4 and M5).

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 13:26

hello!
another one here!

dh's job is erratic-sometimes at home for months on end(based at home i mean) and other times i only see him at weekends.

he's just been through a phase of working away all the time-including weekends and quite frankly-i hate it! absolutely loathe it.

All that gets me through is porganising lots of stuff with friends-keeping really busy, inviting people round for dinner, even the kids friends home for tea.

as dg says, making sure you do something nice at the weekend is very important.
i used to feel that sunday was the worst day of the week as we spent it fighting cos i was so upset that he was away again the next day.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 13:26

allgonebeelyup? what was that all about??

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 13:27

We are in Devon so we have same issue in we need to think about what happens if dh changed jobs again for that reason living in SE would be good as always easy to find work - not the case down here.

Its so hard trying to make a balanced decsion that is good for all of us - things are not perfect here - no family around etc but it is a nice, comfortable life - not very rock and roll but safe and good place to bring up dd.

DH works in South London. We did think about West Sussex but its so hard to get a picture of an area when you just don't know it at all.

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filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 13:29

west sussex very nice in places-very rural if you want it to be. easily commutable into london-an hour or so?(on the train)

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 13:31

Thanks filchthemildmanneredjanitor - I think you are right re Sunday being the worst day. Normally that will be the day that DH has to leave but this week he had to go up on Sat. Spent the whole day dreading saying goodbye - I guess it won't always be like that.

Always think of Sunday as being a family day so makes it so much worse.

Need to find something to take my mind of it as am failing to come up with a clever plan to get us out of this so thinking about it is not helping!

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Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 13:34

filchthemildmanneredjanitor - rural sounds good - any suggestions of towns/villages to try - think I will have a session on rightmove.

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DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 13:34

West Sussex is lovely. I am about to have dinner now but I can tell you more later if you don't get information from anyone else in the meantime.

DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 13:35

We lived in a village between Brighton/Worthing/Horsham called Henfield. It was a gorgeous village, excellent community feel.