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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband working away from home ..... feel heartbroken

148 replies

jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 11:37

Its a long story how we ended up in this situation but DH left last night to start new job away from home. He will be back for weekends and I know others have to go through much worse but I just feel heartbroken.

I miss him so much already. We are a very close couple and hate spending time apart. I know DD will be fine as only 6 months old but not sure I can spend all week without seeing him.

Currently can't afford to all relocate to where his job is so for the time being this is it, unless we live in small flat with a massive mortgage and put on hold any plans for another baby.

In tears all day yesterday and today. Do you think this is over the top? Does anyone else's DP work away from home - does it get better?

OP posts:
jumpyjan · 17/07/2007 14:31

Thanks eemie - chatted to DH about it last night and he is more than happy to take full control of looking after DD for a day when he's back - in fact he wants to so think this will be a good idea to give me a day off taking it easy.

Thats exactly how I feel, Dumbledoresgirl - I just want him here, of course I can survive on my own and am capable of looking after DD on my own but I just miss his company and hate not seeing him every day. I am trying to not think too far ahead in terms of him missing milestones because I just can't cope with that at the moment - it just makes me feel too sad. Still hopeful that something will happen to make the situation better.

Hi Filch, im ok, thanks for asking. Bit up and down to be honest. DH sounded pretty down this morning too. He's loving the job but just misses us both - it must be awful for him to be apart from DD - can't imagine that really as I have never spent more that a couple of hours away from her.

DD is keeping me very busy though - just started solids and I seem to be spending all day either cooking for her or breastfeeding her! Need to get organised I think.

OP posts:
thehairybabysmum · 18/07/2007 08:43

Hello JJ...good to hear you're keeping busy, the week will fly by!!

I was thinking about this last night and one of the things that is also imp. to me is that if i really need DH to come back home he will drop everything and do so.

Ive only ever asked him to a handful of times in 10 yrs (and one of those was when my waters broke!) so it's not like i ring him every couple of weeks saying i'm knackered can you come back and help. But if im properly unwell and i ring him then i know he will do that regardless of how busy he may be at work. It's good to have that mental support that he will be there if i need him.

allgonebellyup · 18/07/2007 10:03

i dont get why people are making out that looking after the children when your dh is away is such a hard job?
"oh dh is working away for a week, however will i cope??" sob sob

My best mate's dh died 9 months ago and never once have i heard her complain how hard it is, and she has 3 kids under 6. She is unbelievably sad, of course, but she just gets on with it.
Single mothers do it day in, day out, without any of the fuss, and do it well.

pyjamaqueen · 18/07/2007 10:07

I can honestly say that, if my dh didn't spend so much time abroad on business, our marriage would not have survived. I need that time on my own, and am reasonably pleased to see him after a break from each other!

thehairybabysmum · 18/07/2007 10:16

I dont think people are making that out...love looking after DS and have no problems doing so but also love it when his dad comes home too!!

Some single mums do whinge and make a fuss...being a moaner or a get on with it type has nowt to do with whether you are single or not!!

Agree pyjamaqueen...not being together all the time works great for us too!

peanutbear · 18/07/2007 10:24

AGBU - I know plenty of single moms that are lonely

and jumpy jan - doesnt have anyone where she lives, its hard to met people when you have a new baby thats feeding a lot

I dont really see why you felt the ned to post on here your not being constructive

StarryStarryNight · 18/07/2007 12:14

There is a big difference between being a single mum and a mum with a partner that works away. I dont mean to post to offend single mums, they do a sterling job bringing up their kids on their own, but I dont get why any married woman who has a partner who works away gets to hear: "look at single mums they can do it, so you should." It is beside the point, and not useful at all. Mums with partners who work away have a whole different set of issues to deal with that single mums doesnt. And it seems that anytime a mum with a partner who works away dare to post about how she is feeling, she is jumped by a whole lot of single mums or other unsympathetic battle axes that just have to make a point, most notably to belittle posters situation.

Single mums have a great knack for resigning themselves to this new single situation, they have sought out other single friends they can chat to and moan to if needed, they often move close to family and friends and they build up a support network of other people as they have no partner and is not dependent on him.

A mum with a partner working away is most likely to have other married friends, who ususally are too busy with family life to listen, help out in emergencies as they have their own responsibilities and priorities. For sure, they are busy doing family things on the weekends, and are not likely to give up on family time to spend time with another mum and child who is lonely. Mums with partners working away may have initially moved away from the area they grew up in to live with partner and is therefore far away from any other family, and have nobody to rely on should either they or the child be taken ill, or other emergencies occur. They do not have the same support network around them as a single parent will build up. And because they HAVE a partner, they are unlikely to be able to, and moveing, either close to home, or to be where there partner is seem to be the most beneficial solution, but that is often not possible.

This is just one aspect which means you cannot compare a single mum and a mum whose partner works away and say: single mums can do it so you can! Not on the same level, they cant! But they could, if they were to become single, bet you that!

I am not going to go into the difficulties of sharing parenting with a partner who works away, and the issues that arise when partner comes home and upsets the routine you build up, and the missing and the longing, and the loving in a distance, being a mum with a partner who works away is one hell of a challenge!

sugarmatches · 18/07/2007 14:37

I am a bit surprised that this is still going on!
To the earlier poster that said: "Single mothers do it day in, day out, without any of the fuss, and do it well." We that is just provocative and to be blunt, bollocks!
Bottom line is that there are crap mums that are married and crap mums that are single. We do the best we can in whatever situation we are in.
Single mums do have it a bit harder, I was one myself for years and I know that is true. I can say that when I was single that I worked my arse off to provide my dd with as good a life as possible. Easy, no. Did I ever complain? Of course. But honestly raise your hand if you have never had a rant about your kids and life in general.
I would like to say that I respect single mothers, but that is not entirely true. I respect GOOD mothers. Many are single and many are not.
Losing a husband in death is absolutely...I cannot even think of words. Getting on with life and making your kids happiness a priority is admirable. But so is raising a child on your own while a partner works away.

AGBU...you need a drink!

LittleLupin · 18/07/2007 14:42

allgonebellyup - has it occurred to you that your friend who never complains to you perhaps goes onto an internet forum and lets it all out to strangers? I hope none of THEM treat her the way you have treated jumpyjan.

Single parents do a great job. And lots of them come on here and post about how hard life is (in the special topic created for them) and they get loads of support. As they should. As should the OP on here.

You really have no concept of compassion.

allgonebellyup · 18/07/2007 14:47

Starry, what are the whole set of other issues that a married women would have to deal with?
i am now a single parent but was with dh (who worked away a lot for years). i dont see any different issues really, apart from who can do what with which child when the dh returns!!!
All my friends are in couples, i only have one friend who is single and she is the one who has been widowed.
i dont try to make friends with single mothers so we can all moan about the same thing together! and i dont try to avoid married people being my friends cos they arent in the same situation as me!

allgonebellyup · 18/07/2007 14:48

Lupin, i do show compassion, where its needed.

jumpyjan · 18/07/2007 14:53

You are right hairybabysmum and this has crossed my mind also. There has only been one occassion where I needed DH to drop everything (when DD was admitted to hopital with a scary looking rash - turned out to be viral and only had to stay one night thank god) and I do worry a bit how we would cope if a similar thing should happen - I guess we just cross that bridge when we come to it.

I have got a list of childminders/nurseries etc from HV as I thought this would be a useful thing to have around in case I need someone to look after DD for a couple of hours in an emergency/if I am unwell or something.

I too love looking after DD - admittedly can't wait for a day off when DH comes back at weekend, but its not that side of things thats getting me down its the being apart. DD is actually great company and full of smiles and giggles which cheers me up.

Thanks stary stary night - yes I do think it is going to be a challenge in many ways but think we will just take it a week at a time at the moment and try not to worry too much about the future.

Its amazing what the sunshine can do isnt it? Its a glorious day down here today and I do feel a bit more positive. Also DH phoned to say that he will be working a bit extra next week so can come home a day early this week so will be back late Thursday night - yipee!

OP posts:
StarryStarryNight · 18/07/2007 18:43

AGBU is it for you to decide where compassion is needed or the person who feels she has a problem? Maybe the person who is widowed knows that there is no compassion, no understanding from you, and that is why she wisely never complains to you!

I am not interested in going into details about other issues on an online forum just to be criticised by somebody who appears to be totally lacking ability to see beyond her own nose. Why do you even ask? Just to tell me neither are valid concerns?

I have a 5 year old, and a 2 year old, neither me nor my husband are from the UK originally (met here while studying), and he works in Asia for up to three months at the time. Closest family we have (aside from an elderly aunt who works full time week days, and works weekends away) is a day away by plane.

I am coping perfectly well now, but the first time my husband had to go abroad after our son was born, was terrifying.

I have had to call my husband home on two occasions, first when my youngest (then 6 months) were hospitalized with serious breathing problems, the second time when my oldest needed an emergency appendectomy and I had to move into hospital to be with him, with my then 9 month old baby.

DumbledoresGirl · 18/07/2007 18:44

It is simple allgonebellyup. Let me explain it to you. Jumpyjan is in love with her husband and dislikes the thought of having to spend 5 out of every 7 days without him. You divorced your husband. You presumably do not wish to be with him any more than you have to be. (There is an alternative scenario here but that would involve me suggesting you were deserted and are bitter and I don't wish to say that.)

Therefore, Jumpyjan has a problem with her husband working away. You do not have a problem being a single mother.

Neither of you is wrong to feel that way. You do not have any reason to assign your feelings about this situation to Jumpyjan. What more is there to say on this issue?

ForcesSweetheart · 18/07/2007 19:58

jumpyjan, I understand how you must be feeling. For years before we were married my DH and I only saw each other at weekends as he was based up north and I was down south, but then I didn't have a child at the time. Now I do have a child, and DH is away in Iraq for 7 months at the mo, but he has been away on courses etc where he's come home at weekends. To be honest I kinda prefer having him away for one long stretch, and I think I'd go demented if he came home every weekend for a long period. At least with him being away for a long stretch I can get into the frame of mind that I'm on my own and need to get on with things. When he comes home at weekends it just disrupts the way I do things and then theres the dread on Sunday that he's got to go again. I'm not helping much am I? Sorry! A few things on the positive side.....I've always found absences make the sex-life sizzle more, you can justifiably demand a lie in on Saturday or Sunday morning while he gets up and spends quality time with the little one, if theres something you need him to do for you (like in my case get rid of spiders) you only have to wait til the weekend, not sure I should even mention these but phone/webcam sex!

jumpyjan · 18/07/2007 21:00

eeek there is a frog in the kitchen! I know I said I did not miss DH for the practical stuff and it was his company I missed but ..... there is a frog in the kitchen!

Don't know what to do - made feeble attempt to catch it with an empty wine glass but it hopped behind washing machine - I hate frogs.

Have shut kitchen door but it will be in there waiting for me in the morning.

Am worried there could be more than one.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 18/07/2007 21:15

Have you got a cardboard box you could pop over the top of it? Then slide another piece of card underneath it and the box and carry it all outside. Separate box and piece of cardboard - doesn't really matter which one the frog is on - and leave it to hop away.

Slightly bemused at how a frog got into your kitchen in the first place!

DumbledoresGirl · 18/07/2007 21:16

Oh sorry, just read the key words "it hopped behind machine machine". So it is not easily got at? If it were me, I would not want to leave a frog in the kitchen. If you try to shift the washing machine, it should hop out. Then go to the cardboard box plan!

jumpyjan · 18/07/2007 21:53

Had a peek behind the washing machine but can't see it now. Don't really want to go anywhere near it but also hate the thought of leaving it there. Cardboard box option sounds good but can't get at him till he comes out and don't fancy sitting waiting all night.

Spoke to DH - he said to wait until morning, open front door and chase it out.

I don't know how they get in. Happened before, on morning of DD's christening (as if I did not have enought to do) but DH dealt with it. Think they squeeze under front door.

OP posts:
jumpyjan · 18/07/2007 22:05

Thanks forcesweetheart - must be so tough for you, your DH being in Iraq and for that amount of time too. The positives you pointed out sound great (and rather good fun!).

Can definitely relate to the getting rid of spiders bit (or in my case frogs - its still in there).

OP posts:
Blondilocks · 18/07/2007 22:11

It does get easier with time - to be honest I found that time didn't remove the missing part, but it did get easier & a bit more normal after a while. With my ex-OH (we didn't split because of the distance thing by the way) I often didn't see him for 4 - 6 weeks. Spoke loads & loads on the phone though. It was nice in a way as we looked forward to seeing each other more, whereas when we lived close together we didn't put as much effort ine tc.

Remember there are always people on here if you need to chat to someone.

Take care. xx

jumpyjan · 18/07/2007 22:20

Thanks Blondilocks - think I will be coming on here to chat often - it really does help.

We have spoken on the phone loads this week so hopefully that will continue and we are both so looking forward to seeing each other again so I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder.

OP posts:
Blondilocks · 18/07/2007 22:25

Your welcome. Also having a hobby or something to do in the evenings can be a good distraction ... even if it's just a new box set of dvds that he wouldn't want to watch. x

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