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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband working away from home ..... feel heartbroken

148 replies

jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 11:37

Its a long story how we ended up in this situation but DH left last night to start new job away from home. He will be back for weekends and I know others have to go through much worse but I just feel heartbroken.

I miss him so much already. We are a very close couple and hate spending time apart. I know DD will be fine as only 6 months old but not sure I can spend all week without seeing him.

Currently can't afford to all relocate to where his job is so for the time being this is it, unless we live in small flat with a massive mortgage and put on hold any plans for another baby.

In tears all day yesterday and today. Do you think this is over the top? Does anyone else's DP work away from home - does it get better?

OP posts:
jumpyjan · 16/07/2007 14:45

Hairybabysmum - just wanted to say - not a waffle at all - sounds like really good advice. Especially the bit about letting DH take over looking after DD at weekends - I like that bit lol!

OP posts:
thehairybabysmum · 16/07/2007 15:27

Glad you are feeling more positive today JJ...it will get better with time honest!!

Definitely try and get out and about as much as you can, i found meeting people in mum and baby groups helped as even if some of the groups were not qute my cup of tea getting out of the house most days makes a massive difference.

The visiting thing, whether train or car seems daunting until you've done it once so defo do that. It is good for your confidence to, plus makes you feel slightly glamourous saying im off to London shopping tomorrow and to see DH (or Manchester in my case).

Keep posting on here...if you feel down about it but i reckon it wont be long before you appreciate those evenings to yourself !!!

allgonebellyup · 16/07/2007 16:51

Have you stopped having a go at Taylorsmummy yet? i totally agree with her.(again)

stop being so pathetic and get on with things. its not the end of the world that he works away - do you not have the initiative to do things by yourself anyway?

ive been a single parent for years before and also been in a marriage where dh works away for weeks on end, it NO big deal at all.
whats the point in pining like a teenager?
harsh, but true.

yogimum · 16/07/2007 16:57

my sister thought I was very lucky to find a guy who worked away! She didn't have a great relationship and is now divorced, so for those who critisise those of us who really miss our other halves, maybe your relationships weren't so hot!!!

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 16/07/2007 17:00

oh f off allgonebellyup. you have nothing constructive to say so just bugger off out of it.

allgonebellyup · 16/07/2007 17:02

i do have something constructive to say : its not healthy to be so dependent on another person.

Flower3554 · 16/07/2007 17:04

But is she saying she's dependent on him or just not looking forward to
living apart from him. Perfectly normal to feel like that IMO

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 16/07/2007 17:05

telling a mother with a newish baby who is missing the person she loves most in the world, to stop being pathetic is not constructive. it would not be constructive on any planet!!!!!

what do you get out of being so horrible?

allgonebellyup · 16/07/2007 17:29

im not being horrible.. just dont get why some women are so dependent on others and cannot just get on with things.
my dh and many others' partners work away for months, its hardly the end of the world.

Cammelia · 16/07/2007 17:31

allgonebellyup I was a single parent in my past life but thank goodness the experience didn't make me hard

allgonebellyup · 16/07/2007 17:32

im not hard, im independent. when i am with my dh it doesnt suddenly turn me into a soppy mess when he leaves. And why cry about it? no wonder men think women are emotional wrecks. (yes i do wish i were a man)

Cammelia · 16/07/2007 17:35

Good for you

Flower3554 · 16/07/2007 17:42

As I posted earlier, DH has worked away from home for years, I'm well used to this but it doesn't stop the house and the bed from feeling empty for the first few days.

LittleLupin · 16/07/2007 17:46

AGBU, are you and TaylorsMummy the same person... as you always seem to agree with each other when no-one else does

"harsh but true" - translation = I have no compassion

allgonebellyup · 16/07/2007 17:51

ok .. i have no compassion.

no, we are not the same person, there was a point where i was being rather mean to TM over her choice of names for children

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 16/07/2007 17:58

it is being horrible to come onto a thread like this and say such things.

ok-you don't feel that way about your partner-some of us do. and some of find it hard being sole carer for the kids 24/7.

you don't-good for you!
but don't come on here berating those of us who do.

Cammelia · 16/07/2007 18:01

Glad I'm a soppy mess female

LittleLupin · 16/07/2007 18:01

AGBU - you about being mean over name choices, but you are happy to harangue a woman who has committed the "crime" of missing her husband?!

jajas · 16/07/2007 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Difers · 16/07/2007 20:20

When my hubby first went away I felt the same way, I'd never spent the night in a house alone before (we met when I was 19). I was practically heartbroken so i fully empathise with the way you feel. And I didn't have a baby which perhaps makes you feel even more vunerable/worried.

Anyway he went off and I cried and cried for half an hour or more over a bottle of wine then went upstairs and opened the bare bedroom cupboard and it suddenly dawned on me.........

"Wow, that's alot of space I've never had before" and proceeded to rearrange my clothes into the empty space. I felt MUCH MUCH better then. There are always upsides to every situation. Don't listen to the pull yourself together brigade..you will get used to the new situation but in your own time and at your own pace.

jumpyjan · 16/07/2007 21:27

Thnaks Difers - lol re warderobe space - every cloud eh?

Im like you in that I was 19 when me and DH got together and not used to being in house alone. I think I will adjust and feel more positive today.

OP posts:
HermionesPatronus · 16/07/2007 21:33

allgonebellyup - some women are more dependant
is that wrong?

eemie · 16/07/2007 22:06

For me it's not just about whether you are independent or not. I've had relationships in which I was independent and others in which I was more enmeshed.

Before dh I was with someone who lived in a distant country for 75% of the time. I was independent then, all right.

Early in my time with dh he said 'are we going to see each other every night?' and I just laughed. Of course not, how could we possibly, we're both far too busy.

But I could probably count up the number of nights we've spent apart in 11 years - it's precious few. Because this is different.

When we went to stay with friends recently and found they'd put us in twin beds, we didn't even discuss it - we both slept in the same one.

That's not dependency, it's a positive choice for me.

My sister has had to cope with her husband working away for most of her married life and it's been really hard. I admire her enormously for it.

She's coped brilliantly but if they could have afforded to live in the places he can get work neither of them would have chosen it.

So, Jumpyjan, welcome to Mumsnet, and don't let anyone trivialise what you're going through.

Do anything you can to ease it for yourselves but don't try to make every weekend a honeymoon. Just because he's working away doesn't mean he needn't do the kids' washing and give you a lie-in at the weekend.

Good luck

DumbledoresGirl · 17/07/2007 09:27

Well, my dh has just gone off for 3 days so I am in the same boat as you now Jumpyjan.

I can't believe there are people here still making out we are some sort of feminist's nightmare because we miss our husbands when we are away. It is nothing to do with not being strong enough to cope. I have been raising 4 children on and off single-handedly for over 4 years now so I think I am as strong as most people. The unhappiness is because some of us don't want to be doing this difficult job on our own. Some of us got married thinking we were gaining a helpmate for as long as life kept us together. In Jumpyjan's case, she has just had a baby and probably anticipated being with her husband seeing the baby pass through her milestones and sharing the preciousness of the early months together. It is not just JJ who is sad to be apart, her husband is too. Are we going to accuse him of being needy too? Naturally they don't need each other in that sense, but they do want each other and that is something to be admired, cherished and encouraged, not sneered at.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 17/07/2007 11:19

hear hear dumbledoresgirl!!!!!!!!!!!!

how is it going today jumpyjan?