Husband working away from home ..... feel heartbroken

[jumpyjan]

Its a long story how we ended up in this situation but DH left last night to start new job away from home. He will be back for weekends and I know others have to go through much worse but I just feel heartbroken.

I miss him so much already. We are a very close couple and hate spending time apart. I know DD will be fine as only 6 months old but not sure I can spend all week without seeing him.

Currently can't afford to all relocate to where his job is so for the time being this is it, unless we live in small flat with a massive mortgage and put on hold any plans for another baby.

In tears all day yesterday and today. Do you think this is over the top? Does anyone else's DP work away from home - does it get better?

Again, thanks for the supportive comments. Not sure what to say to the unsupportive ones.

It is really interesting to hear from others in similar situations and I really appreciate you posting.

Littlelupin - thanks for advice re routines etc - you are right, I know. Plus good point about the remote control!

Camelia - the more I think about it the more I think you are right re us having to move but even if we decide to it would all take a while. Would need to figure out where and how we could afford it.

I think the comments re it being harder for DH's as they are the ones who are away are probably right. DH was so upset saying goodbye to us yesterday. Feel I should put a brave face on things when on the phone tonight as want to be supportive. Tbh thought think he would prefer it if I was just honest about my feelings.

JJ - do try and be positive when you talk to him on the phone. I always try to put a brave face on things when DH is away - when DS was tiny and had colic, and DH was deployed for 5 months I got a bit tearful on the phone sometimes and it was really hard for him... because there's nothing he can do, he has to be there - and the same is true for your DH.

Thanks Peanut bar and Greengots - I will def come on Mumsnet to talk again - it has really helped.

Littlelupin - just had a quick chat with dh on the phone and kept it upbeat. Will have a proper talk later tonight but we agreed we have made the right decisions for now.

Thanks to everyone else for supportive comments - can't believe how many of you took time to post - this has really helped me to get through today.

Little Lupin - re earlier post about going to stay with dh midweek. Think I could do this every once in a while but worry about effect it would have on DD if we stayed too long (we would all have to stay in one room and DD is finally sleeping through the night after being put in her own room so reluctant to do this). I probably worry to much, being a first time mum, but I do worry that too much change and being based in 2 places would have an effect on her as she is so happy in her routine and in her own room etc.

Hello, I've haven't read the whole thread, just to say that DH has often worked away from home, for months at a time, in foreign parts, was in Japan when I got pregnant and only came back when I was 28 weeks. Don't worry my lovely everything will be okay. It is difficult but it will get better. I went from having a baseball bat by my bed to leaving the door open all night (by accident)! The Gas man will assume you are a single mum and flirt wildly. Everything will be fine.

you do get used to it

after a while you may even enjoy it

jumpyjan My DH works away for 4 months at a time. It was ok when it was just the two of us as I was working and had a full social life. Since ds was born it is much harder than I thought. During the week I have a good routine and try to keep as busy as possible, the weekends are harder as most people are busy with their own families. Occasionally he is local so can get home for a night or two. When he is home we make the most of our time together which we really appreciate. You are bound to have up and down days so no its not over the top to be so upset!

jumpyjan-i am so sorry that you had such horrible, unfeeling, llacking in understanding posts.

i think the going and staying with him is a good idea.

i know you are worried about your daughters routine but at this age they are very flexible, and it's quite easy to move them around.
you could maybe two days? mooch around london, do a museum or a park and then all have dinner together in the evening?

Meanwhile, contact your local nct and find out about coffees or bumps and babies sessions, find todler groups, baby music etc etc. that way you will meet loads of new people and make friends and build up a support system.

Difers - lol re gas man - you made me smile.

Thanks yogimum - sounds like things must be tough for you. I do need to get into a routine like you say. Am hoping I will get used to it to some degree.

Filch is right re building up a bit more of a network down here - have got a few things I have been meaning to phone up about like NCT groups etc so am def going to get on the case with that this week and try and be positive.

Thanks all.

Hey jumpyjan, you never know, there is a decent chance we are moving to Devon next year, I shall come and harass you

It is lovely down here Little Lupin - have you thought about where in Devon yet? Happy to advise on areas when you come to think about where to live etc.

We don't get a lot of choice - will either be Plymouth or Dartmouth - if Plymouth we will probably start in Crapstone and then buy somewhere nearby.

Where are you (roughly)?

Jumpyjan, I can completely understand why you would feel upset and miss your dh.
I think the criticism here is ridiculous. When two people make a commitment to each other to live together and raise a family, then it is never easy when things change along the way.
Someone who has not made such a commitment will never understand.
You cannot be a single parent with a "boyfriend" btw, that is not really giving his role as parent much respect.
I was a happy single parent to my oldest daughter and now I have remarried and am raising two with my dh. I know I would rather curl up in bed with him then with my hot water bottle. Anyone who says any differenlty is probably lying, or with the wrong partner.
Cheer up though, you will get through this.
London is bloody expensive and you get less value for money, but we are happy here and are together. In the end, that is all that matters.

Thanks sugarmarches - am feeling more positive today (and the sun is shining down here).

Little Lupin - we are in mid devon - lots of villages around here, not big town really, I guess Tiverton is the main town. Dartmouth is lovely - would be a great place to live. Don't really know Plymouth that well but location wise you have got access to everything from there - coast and Dartmoor etc.

Hello Jumpyjan...glad you feeling a bit better today. My DH works away in the week too and there are good and bad bits about it...like everything really.

It is obviously hard for you at the minute as it is a new thing but you will get used to it.

Before i had DS then i used to do my own thing int he week, sports, girly nights etc and then the weekends are ususally more jsut us. Since DS obvioulsy i cant go out the same way unless i get a babaysitter which isnt really worth the faff.

I would say try and look at it positively...the good things are:
it is only actually 4 days that you dont see him if he is back on a friday.

Use the week to do things you like doing...watching trashy girly tv or whatever...eating what you want...ie you can have rice krispies for tea if you want to. Plus he can do boy stuff in the week...footie etc

On the weekends i would say dont arrange stuff with friends or going away type things every week, make sure you have lots of time that is just you three. Just pottering around the house or garden can be lovely.

With regards to your DD you will soon find that your DH has excellent novelty factor and she will be so happy to see him when he comes home. My DS (19 months) has no problems with him being away and is delirious when he is away. Also if you dont already, make sure you let your DH take over the baby stuff a bit at weekeends...changing, bath etc. Dont stand over him telling him how to do it right even if you think he's doing it 'wrong'. just cos he does things differently doesnt make it wrong IYSWIM. I think then you get a well needed break and he gets time with your dd.

The novelty factor appiles to you too....tis much easier to be appreciative of someone you dont see every day, less chance of a rut when you dont have the everyday drudge to niggle each other about.

Also try and remember that even if your DH didn't work away the actual time spent with DD (especially as she gets older) might not be much different. My DH had a job for a year working 26 miles away but he still ahd to be out of the house by 7:10 am and didnt get home til nearly 7 pm...DSnow in bed by 7 so in actual fact it is v. similar.

One other thing...is your DH able to work flexi hours to some extent...mine works v. long days all week but finishes at lunchtime on a friday so is back home by 3-pm on a fri.

Blimey sorry just realised what a long waffle that is!

Going and staying is a good idea too...I do this once every couple of months. I get the train across with DS and DH picks us up after work, then on thet Friday i go shopping as the shops so much better in Mancheser, i then have a nice lunch and then drive back with DH later.

Trust me it is so easy to get the train with a 6 month old that you should do this. Make sure you load DH down with all the baby stuff so that you can just have you, baby and a day bag on the train.

I think you are probably feeling so sad and lonely as his time away has coincided with you having a young baby.

IME being at home on maternity leave is lonely and hard -with my first I found it hard to get things done and get out of the house - I remember my SIL saying that she didn't get dressed for several months after the birth.

You either need to build a good support network as others have suggested, or you if you are going back to work, you will find that this will make a huge difference to your feelings ( as well as being completely knackering)

Good luck - it will get better

Hey jumpyjan

Just wanted to add my support. Please ignore the unsupportive comments.

It's perfectly normal to feel these things when you have a young baby. I'm a tough person. I've travelled through the MIddle East on my own. I run my own business. But after DS was born I was a wreck and found it terrifying when DH went to work even for a day. He does lots of lates and lots of foreign trips.

If that makes me a wimp in some people's eyes, well, who gives a shit, everyone's different.

I think it's very important to be able to admit to these feelings as you can't do anything about them until you do that, so well done. I'd echo the comments about finding your own nice things to do - I play online games, watch loads of DVDs (the new internet DVD posting services are great), read whatever I like, that sort of thing.

Hi JumpyJan

Welcome to Mumsnet!

I know I would miss DH if he was away like your DH is but at the same time I would live my life and not just keep wishing for the weekend when he came back.

I think the best thing would be to make some friends and keep busy and do the things you want to do and then enjoy the time you spend with your DH.

try and find some MNetters in your area and go to a meetup!

Ignore TaylorsMummy. What a cowbag!!

oops, in my first post i meant my DS is delirious when daddy comes home (not when he is away)...loves to look out of the window for his car and gets really excited when he pulls up.

jumpyjan

I have no experience of this so this is mostly conjecture . I do not know how people cope with dp working away as i rely on mine quite heavily - probaly due to insecuritiess of my own

i will say that if he has ever gone away even for a couple of nights i have strangly enjoyed it. Enjoyed seeing that i do cope without him and things ae actually more ordereddd...
it can be lonely i am sure and although it sounds silly - mumsnet can be a real comfort - dont let it stop you going out though. Try to make some friends - maybe a couple who are also on their own for one reason or another and you could give the babies tea and bath them together one night a week as a regular thing - to filll your evenings
this phase will pass and you may end up stronger!
Are you young?

jumpyjan

I have no experience of this so this is mostly conjecture . I do not know how people cope with dp working away as i rely on mine quite heavily - probaly due to insecuritiess of my own

i will say that if he has ever gone away even for a couple of nights i have strangly enjoyed it. Enjoyed seeing that i do cope without him and things ae actually more ordereddd...
it can be lonely i am sure and although it sounds silly - mumsnet can be a real comfort - dont let it stop you going out though. Try to make some friends - maybe a couple who are also on their own for one reason or another and you could give the babies tea and bath them together one night a week as a regular thing - to filll your evenings
this phase will pass and you may end up stronger!
Are you young?

jumpyjan

I have no experience of this so this is mostly conjecture . I do not know how people cope with dp working away as i rely on mine quite heavily - probaly due to insecuritiess of my own

i will say that if he has ever gone away even for a couple of nights i have strangly enjoyed it. Enjoyed seeing that i do cope without him and things ae actually more ordereddd...
it can be lonely i am sure and although it sounds silly - mumsnet can be a real comfort - dont let it stop you going out though. Try to make some friends - maybe a couple who are also on their own for one reason or another and you could give the babies tea and bath them together one night a week as a regular thing - to filll your evenings
this phase will pass and you may end up stronger!
Are you young?

Thanks Apunaha - I am 30 (is that young lol?!).

Collison & Krang - thanks for the welcome and support. Am really touched by the response I have got on here - it has been a huge help.

Iota - you are right in that I probably feel more lonely as I have a young baby (although she obviously keeps me going if I feel down) just because you can't just drop everything and go out.

Thanks JaJa's - I know, I did not realise how tied to Devon I had become, i'm not from the area but it really does feel like home now. Although, there are, of course, great advantages to living in the South East - probably a bit more exciting!

Thanks too Hairybaby's mum - you are definitely right in that even if we did move to nearer his work he would not see anymore of DD as he would be traveling to and from work when she is waking/going to bed. And your right it is only 4 nights if he can manage to get up early on a Monday and get home late on a Friday night.

I will go up there aswell, occassionally. I feel a bit nervous about driving all that way with DD on my own so think the train is the best option.

I think I do need to find some way of enjoying the evenings during the week rather than just wishing them away, as this is when I will miss him most - perhaps with DVD's, books etc as suggested - perhaps I should treat myself and go shopping.

I know I need to make an effort to get out there and meet some more mums too as this will be good for me and DD if there are other LO's around.

Again, thanks so much to everyone for your support. Yesterday was such a horrible day and coming on here helped so much.