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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband working away from home ..... feel heartbroken

148 replies

jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 11:37

Its a long story how we ended up in this situation but DH left last night to start new job away from home. He will be back for weekends and I know others have to go through much worse but I just feel heartbroken.

I miss him so much already. We are a very close couple and hate spending time apart. I know DD will be fine as only 6 months old but not sure I can spend all week without seeing him.

Currently can't afford to all relocate to where his job is so for the time being this is it, unless we live in small flat with a massive mortgage and put on hold any plans for another baby.

In tears all day yesterday and today. Do you think this is over the top? Does anyone else's DP work away from home - does it get better?

OP posts:
filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 13:35

i wish i could help-i know how awful it is. all i can say is we always around-well someone is! me and dumbledores girl have been sharing moans over this for a couple of years now!
i am better now than i used to be, more sane.i used to cry all the time too.
my fave refrain was 'this wasn't what i signed up for'!!!

peanutbear · 15/07/2007 13:39

My DH works 3 weeks on 1 off again from september

I must admit I dont mind so much when we are at home eg Birmingham but he persuaded me to move to north west 2 years ago and so I sm on my own and I hate it
I dont cry I get really cross with him I know it sounds silly he has to work but I just hate him for leaving me stuck up here so we are moving back home !!!!

It gets easier you need to have a support network though

I find Sundays and teatimes the worst because everyone seems to be doing family things and my family are 1 hr and 1/2 away

As your confidene grows at being on your own managing children work and shool is fine though

Flower3554 · 15/07/2007 13:45

DH has worked away from home since our 3 dc's were quite small. They are grown up and left home now and I am well used to him being away except every other weekend.

It does get easier and our weekends together are so special.

I found it difficult at the start because he had been out of work for a long time so we went from being together 24/7 to him being gone for two weeks at a time, but I got used to it and I take it for granted now because the alternative would be him not working and thats a much scarier prospect to me.

DumbledoresGirl · 15/07/2007 14:21

LOL tmmj re you moaning "this is not what I signed up to"! My common refrain, said to dh, is "if I had wanted to be a single parent, I would have shagged you and not bothered marrying you" (no offence to couples who are voluntarily not married and still together).

suedonim · 15/07/2007 14:22

Dh has worked away from home for most of our married life (over 30yrs) and you do get used to it. I find it better to reconsider your life, almost an alternatove lifestyle, not thinking 'We'd be doing this now' but replace it with 'As dh isn't here, this is going to be my reading a book/wallowing in the bath/cooking something only I like to eat time.' And planning little treats for yourself throughout the week is also good, maybe a having lunch somewhere nice, buying a magazine, taking up a new pastime. Hth.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 14:30

Dumbledoresgirl - would love to hear your suggestions in West Sussex - thanks.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor - thanks - it has really made me feel better being able to post on here and getting replies from people in similar situations.

Flower3554 - thats the thing - at least DH has got a good job and we have a nice home down here - if he packed it all in we would be together but broke and worried sick about money.

The more I think about it the more I think we will have to look at relocating. Problem is when we looked at it initally we were doing it in such a rush trying to tie it in with his works start date. It all got too much so we called it all off and decided to stay put.

Peanutbear - know what you mean re support network. As I said, things are not perfect here and most of DH family is in SE so it probably does make sense to move up there but for the time being this is the place we call home.

I just don't know what the answer is - short of winning the lottery! Also could not sell up as to apply for mortgage DH needs to get through probationary period at work so for the time being we are stuck with this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 14:36

Thanks Suedonim. That sounds like a positive way of looking at things. Have been thinking I should get some books out of the library tomorrow. I don't find TV much of a distraction unless I am watching someting really good (rarely!)so at least if I am reading a good book I can get absorbed in that of an evening so that I don't dwell on things.

Problem I am having is that I realise I can't just wish the week away as that is wishing my life away and is not fair on DD. I know I have to find some sort of contentment in being on my own during the week - somehow as I obviously can't get through this by feeling like I feel today and crying all the time.

OP posts:
suedonim · 15/07/2007 15:00

It took me a long time to get to that point, but it does make for a better life, I think. As you say, you can't wish your life away. About a possible relocation - can you stay with dh during the week now so you can go and explore likely areas? Or both of you spending weekends in those areas? It would make a change and you'd feel more proactive.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 15:17

Suedonim. Decided it would be better if we did not stay with DH during week but should perhaps give this more thought. Worried it would be difficult for DD as she seems to do well on routine. DD has just started sleeping through after we put her in her own room - this has made a big difference to my life as she previously woke 3 times a night. If I stayed with DH we would all share a room and think I would be back to square one with DD's sleep. Also I would not know anyone in area and would just feel to temporary to try and build up another support network.

I want DD to have a secure home environment and I know she is only 6 months but worried too much change will affect her.

OP posts:
moondog · 15/07/2007 15:29

Hi Jumpy

My dh went abroad to work (6 weeks away,1 at home) when dd was 6 mths old.She is now 6 and we have another ds and he is still doing it.

It does get easier.

Working helps as I have my own life and am not just waiting for him.I am also studying for an mSc,running a business and involved in sport,dd's school,Sunday school and other viallge affairs.

I don't have time to miss him!

DG gives good advice about making the most of your time together.When dh is home we make a list of everything that we need to do as well as everything that we want to do,and with good planning,most of it happens.

I have got used to spending time on my own and like it,which amuses me as when i was younger,I was permanantly joined at the hip with every bf I ever had.

MN is an enormous help on long evenings I find.I never watch tv, I come on here instead.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 16:24

Thanks moondog - yes think Mnet will be a big help to me too - the advice and replies have definitely helped me to get through today. I think today will be the worst day somehow - perhaps it will be better as time goes on.

Having DD helps as with her routine there is always something to do so she keeps me busy.

I think we will have to do something to sort this out as no matter how much I try to think positive I just can't get away from the feeling that it is just wrong for us to be apart.

OP posts:
TaylorsMummy · 15/07/2007 16:54

i agree with allgonebellyup

and imo, i think you should stop moaning about your lot and be thankful you have a dh who is working so hard to support you and your child

moondog · 15/07/2007 17:11

Oh TM,that's a bit harsh.

I don't think she is,it's very hard to be alone with a small baby and most relationships suffer when distance is a factor,that is an undeniable fact.

peanutbear · 15/07/2007 17:14

Taylorsmummy - does your DH work away

TaylorsMummy · 15/07/2007 17:28

i don't have a dh.i'm a single mum with a 2yr dd,always been on my own with her and can't stand it when i hear married women who have to cope on their own for a few days moaning like they have it bad tbh.

my bf works 15 hours a day and i literally do not see him.it's a snatched half hour here and there,that's pretty tough,but i would never moan about it cos i know he works hard and a should be pleased he does.

obimomkanobi · 15/07/2007 17:28

I don't know how those of you with DH's working away cope. It must be really tough.

I think jumpyjan that 'cos you have a fairly youngish baby and now you have to adjust to your DH being away it's a lot to deal with in one go.

From reading the replies on here I reckon that you'll adjust in time. But I'd be feeling like you are at the moment.

obimomkanobi · 15/07/2007 17:29

taylorsmummy, just because you feel that way doesn't mean that the rest of the world has to follow suit.

Bitterness is not an attractive quality.

TaylorsMummy · 15/07/2007 17:31

who's bitter?

obimomkanobi · 15/07/2007 17:33

You.

TaylorsMummy · 15/07/2007 17:34

errm, no, i'm not.

i just think it's ridiculous to be 'heartbroken' over your dh working away from home.it's not like he's gone to bloody war,is it?

peanutbear · 15/07/2007 17:37

Thats really unfair taylorsmommy do you have family friends around you? My DH moved us up here o he would be closer but we know noone really nobody I can pop out and just have a chat with

I've been a single mom I know thats hard but the big desicions are yours its the little things sometimes that get you down eg my fridge freezer is broken I have to get a knew one this should be a joint choice as it is there will be a lot of twoing and froing making sure he is happy with it to I know this is frivilous compared to lone parenting but it gets to you,

Also you go to every social engagement alone I feel ok doing this as a single parent and as married but when you are married people always comment that your on your own again and just sometimes that hurts

P.S I am grateful he works hard and that we ae all well but sometimes it gets you down

mozhe · 15/07/2007 17:41

She is finding it difficult and wants support.
That is what the website is about.
Would you like to tell your story to us ?
Would you like support too ?
I suggest youstart a thread too

Original poster
jumpyjan · 15/07/2007 17:49

Thanks loads to those who have been supportive. I know there are worse things in life and I do appreciate that DH is working hard.

I am the same as Peanutbear - there is noone around the corner I can have a chat with which is why I posted on here.

I can cope with the practical side and am on maternity leave for a while longer so happy looking after DD on my own though obviously it will be hard not having a break at all (until she goes to sleep!) - I don't mean to come across like I am 'moaning' about that side of things. I mainly posted because I just miss him and feel sad - plain and simple. To some it may sound over the top but I do feel heartbroken and he feels the same.

OP posts:
peanutbear · 15/07/2007 17:53

Its nice that your both upset though it means you love each other

Its just lonely knowing they wont be home to talk to come and moan to me any time you like

potoroo · 15/07/2007 17:53

Perfectly understandable.
Even before we had DS, DH used to occaisionally go away for a few days for work and I missed him terribly. The house felt very lonely and quiet without him.

He doesn't do it so much now, but I am studying anyway, so I don't mind my 'nights off' - I find it a good time to read in peace