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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What did I marry?

191 replies

Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:01

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

OP posts:
youwouldthink · 15/04/2019 22:04

Take the 'allowed' monthly visit to your parents with everything that's important. Passport, bank documents etc and stay there.
You need to get out of that situation immediately!

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 22:06

You married an abusive man. Next time you go to your family then don't go back

palomapear · 15/04/2019 22:06

You can call it a day any time you want.

And it sounds like you should.

Husbands are supposed to be best friends!

Pinkarsedfly · 15/04/2019 22:06

You certainly can call it a day.

I’m not going to call this a marriage. You’re a prisoner. Time to get out of there.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 15/04/2019 22:06

Oh, you can. Sunk cost, move on. Do this. ^^

Call Women's Aid if need be, defo coercive control.

Mammajay · 15/04/2019 22:10

My friend's mum married a man like that in her 70s. Soon after getting married, she saw his controlling nature.She packed her car and drove for hours to my friend's house and never went back to him. You need to leave before he isolates and controls you

Goldmandra · 15/04/2019 22:10

This man has separated you from your family and locks you out of your bedroom.

What other features of coercive control are there in your relationship?

Does he support you in having friendships.

Do you work?

Who controls the finances?

Who is responsible for cooking and cleaning?

How does he respond if you tell him how his actions make you feel?

Does he make you feel guilty for expressing your own wishes and needs?

Does he put you down, make everything your fault, tell you nobody else would love you/put up with you?

Think really carefully and allow your answers to these questions to sink in. They will tell you what you need to do next.

You do not need to give a marriage to a coercive controller a chance. If that's what he's doing, walk away ASAP.

pallisers · 15/04/2019 22:11

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year.

Oh yes you can. And you will be so grateful to yourself that you wasted less than a year of your life on this shit rather than 5, 10, 20 or all your life.

And please please please make sure you don't get pregnant.

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/04/2019 22:12

I think you know exactly what you've married.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year

Change that a bit and see if it still makes sense:
"I can't call it a day on the abuse, I've been abused less than a year".

The longer you stay, the less strength and confidence you will have to leave. The longer you stay, the worse the abuse will get.

Lilymossflower · 15/04/2019 22:13

He is abusive.

It won't get better.

He won't change.

Get out of the situation now, while you still can.

JaneEyre07 · 15/04/2019 22:13

You can't and won't change him.

Run. As fast as you can, and don't look back.

Mrsbclinton · 15/04/2019 22:13

You know this isnt right, locking you out of your bedroom & refusing to speak to you till you apologise, all sounds like controlling abusive behaviour.

Listen to that knot of fear in you chest & act on it. You deserve so much better.

Wheresmyvagina · 15/04/2019 22:13

You again?
You were advised not to marry him over and over. You were told how controlling he is and what a mistake this would be. Stop asking the same questions over and over! It won't change the outcome.

churchthecat · 15/04/2019 22:14

Previous threads?

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:14

The thing is I worry I don't help the situation. I just get so frustrated in my conversations with him that I can't talk calmly with him anymore. I shout back and still go to visit my family which makes my life harder in the long run but it's just feels so unreasonable. I talk to my family daily but is this too much? Not normal?

OP posts:
BeUpStanding · 15/04/2019 22:16

Leave him. This is coercive control and there's only one way it's going to go - it will get worse and worse. Now you're married he clearly sees you as his property and not as a fully autonomous human being.

Read Bancroft Lundy's "Why does he do that?". It's a brilliant book about angry or controlling men.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/04/2019 22:17

I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time

He sounds horrible. And people like this don't get better, they get worse.

You need an escape plan. Don't worry about "only being married for six months" - the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave (he will make sure of that). And it's illogical anyway - what do you think would be an acceptable length of time for you to be miserable for before leaving him became an option?

I have friends whose marriages lasted anywhere from ten years to nine months. I don't look at the ones who waited longer before divorcing and think "yes, that's a nice, respectable amount of time to be married. It's fine for them to get divorced now".

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:17

I know it's emotional abuse. But I'm not the submissive type either. If I kept quiet and just took it I would probably see that it is his fault but how can I say that when I react and probably worsen the situation?

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 15/04/2019 22:17

Don't become a prisoner.
You deserve a proper life.

rosedream · 15/04/2019 22:18

Please stop making excuses for his behaviour and blaming yourself for his actions.
What you are doing is a classic response to a partners controlling abusive behaviour.
Don't let this continue. He will not change.

MrsMozartMkII · 15/04/2019 22:18

Call it a day lass. Now. Before he cuts you off from everyone you know and love.

MintyCedric · 15/04/2019 22:18

I have known a couple of friends in similar situations, both their (now ex) husbands, eventually became physically violent and/or locked them in their homes.

Get out now whilst it's still relatively easy and you don't have kids to consider.

MintyCedric · 15/04/2019 22:20

I react and probably worsen the situation

You are perfectly entitled to react to his appalling behaviour.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:30

Thank you for my responses. This is the first time I'm posting so don't know how to tag individual posts in this (in response to where's my v-that wasn't me)
I'm actually in tears now. There were little subtle signs that he was abusive but I overlooked them. He's never been financially abusive, if anything he spends the majority in this relationship. But he will put me down regularly, things like poking my thigh, prodding my arms in the middle of me eating. Telling me he is the brains in this relationship so I need to make sure I'm always presentable to be the beauty. When it's the time of the month and I'm in pain that I better sort myself out as he didn't marry someone who was going to be ill. But he then says it was only a joke. I've started doing it back to him so he knows how it feels but he gets really angry and says he was only joking and I'm being vindictive.

OP posts:
Rollindowntheroad · 15/04/2019 22:36

Imagine this was a friend of yours OP. Would you be telling them to keep quiet so as not to annoy him? Would you tell them to stoop to his level? What would a caring friend say?