What did I marry?

[Whatdidimarry]

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

Dime bag I'm so pleased to hear you have got out of it today. I can imagine both your fear but relief at it. I wish you so much happiness to make up for the last 15years.

I can't believe the number of you that have had similar experiences. How can these these men take the trust and love from women and have such disregard for it. Do they not know what they are doing or can they not help themselves. Don't they care they are throwing the chance of a solid relationship/family unit away?

Happy now-I agree he does hate me. And it took a while for me to catch up but now I'm getting there. With regards to his sister, the times where he has made a couple of disparaging comments to me in front of her she has responded by smiling and laughing. So I can imagine what her response was over the phone.

Good luck for the future without him

OP you poor thing you sound so frightened, he is controlling and I fear it will likely lead to more abuse, start making plans asap even if its talking to a friend, womens aid anyone. You owe nobody a thing it's not your fault, you havnt failed at anything it's your husband that has failed. Please dont sit hoping things will improve it will only get harder. Keep talking to us we are all here for you p.s start making a plan dont leave yourself vulnerable even if it's a secret savings account, an exit fund.

OP I'm living near the Scottish borders (England) PM me if you need a room for a few nights along as you dont mind pets

Raspberry truffle-that is so sweet. You've set me off again 😢. Thank you. I'm Okay I'm not in any danger. What he does is emotional and psychological and yes I know that can be just as damaging. It's why I know I am better off leaving now while I still have the fire inside me to know I don't and won't be treated this way. Over time I will lose that and then the decision will no longer be mine. I'm not letting myself get to that stage.

I'd say two things:

There's nobody coming. By this I mean you have to decide to leave, give yourself permission to. You know this is wrong in every way imaginable. You get to decide how to spend your life, you get to change it. Nobody can do it for you.

There are no medals. No medals for staying, for putting up with the unacceptable, for doing what looks socially acceptable. Ultimately nobody cares as much as you do as to whether you leave this relationship or not.

You can do this.

Oh dont cry OP! Here's a big hug, honestly if you are ever stuck for anything PM me,

Oh I am so glad that you have taken a firm decision.

Blimey OP. This is horrendous.

You only get one life. You’ll never get today back, or tomorrow, or however many more days you spend with this awful man. Don’t waste any more time on him. You deserve happiness.

This is shit for you now. But long term you’ll be just fine.

Please leave, OP.

You are worth so much more than this.

You can get out of this relationship, and you will feel 1,000,000% stronger afterwards. Honestly, I've been there. Never regretted it.

Don't feel guilty about not seeing the signs - he wasn't going to show you the worst before he had you under control, was he? You've seen the light now. So follow it, as fast as you safely can.
And when you are gone, don't engage - don't try to reason with him (it hasn't worked yet, has it?) don't answer his questions or respond to his predictable change of heart and protestations of love and change (you'll soon see the true colours come flying back when he realises you're not playing his game any more. Look up grey rock technique.
Get away and you'll find yourself again. You are lucky to have your mum's support - take it.

Absolutely gutted reading this. He is a disgusting horrible bully and I’m so so glad you can see it.

I genuinely can’t wait for you to get out of there and feel what it’s like to be happy and content. You deserve so much more and you’ll get it ❤️

But I'm not the submissive type either. If I kept quiet and just took it I would probably see that it is his fault but how can I say that when I react and probably worsen the situation?
This is why I hate the stock photos that are used at the top of every article about domestic abuse- mental, emotional, pbysical or sexual. Same photo used for all. Pretty, slight young woman with long hair worn loose, leaning against a wall, sitting slumped forward or sitting on the floor, head bowed, face in hands. The perfect victim. Never looking directly at the camera, teeth bared, shouting back.

The woman I know with the worst most abusive relationships (plural- sadly- she has a long history of it ) is also one of the liveliest, feistiest people I know. Sadly she doesn't really know what normal is. A knot of fear in your chest isn't fucking normal. The problem is him not you.

Don't they care they are throwing the chance of a solid relationship/family unit away?

You have made a couple of comments about why he would behave like this, why he would be so keen to marry you and then treat you so badly, etc. The thing you have to remember is that what YOU want a marriage to be like, and what HE wants it to be like are very, very different.

You want an equal partnership with love, respect and support. He wants a slave who always puts his needs before hers and does as she is told.

It can be very jarring to realise that the person you married is not only indifferent to your happiness, but actively wants you to feel bad - scared, compliant, desperate for love, confused, hurt, etc. It can be very tempting to think "if I could only EXPLAIN to him that his actions are abusive and hurting me, then he would stop" but the truth is, he wants the "benefits" of abuse (to utterly control his partner) much more than he cares about how you feel along the way.

You want an equal partnership with love, respect and support. He wants a slave who always puts his needs before hers and does as she is told.

Absolutely this.

OP I apologise if I've missed this, but you've already left your important docs with your mum. Is there anything stopping you from just getting on the road today?

Oh please please leave now.

I realised I was been emotionally abused and controlled 11 months into my marriage. I blamed myself, I thought maybe it would get better, maybe I could make him see my point etc etc. I was also embarrassed to admin after such a short time my marriage was crap

It got worse and worse. I became a frightened shell of myself but like you I always fought back and outsiders would have described me confident and strong. He got worse and slowly became more aggressive and violent too.

8 years and 2 children later I finally left. BEST decision I ever made BUT I am stuck with him my life forever as he is my children dad.

RUN!!!

Sorry wrong thread

OP I know everything being said to you now is being weighed up by you against the 'What iffs'. Believe me when I say, once you have that distance from him all that is being said here will become blindingly obvious. He doesn't care about you, only himself and that will not change. Please take your life back now - these men have a big hole inside them that you can never fill. They just don't know how to put someone else first.

OP treat yourself how you deserve to be treated and leave the maniac man you married. You deserve so much better, you come across as a wonderful person. Don’t let this bastard grind you down anymore. I wish you all the best for your future. 💐💐

I had a similar situation and I'm also interested.

Goading you persistently in order for you to eventually react is a form of abuse.
My ex used to follow me around the flat (where I'd be locked in) screaming abuse at me inches from my face with me backed up against a wall for hours until I was exhausted from it all. When I once pushed him away with force it was seized on as ME actually being the abusive one, as he had never hit me or laid a finger on me. He was absolutely delighted that I had did it. Objective achieved. Proof I was the abuser and he was a poor little victim. And I believed him for years.

I've never before, or since, laid a hand on any person or felt the urge to. And I've been through some serious shit in my life at times since. I know now that that push I gave him stemmed from fear and frustration caused by him, not anger.

When you get away and are living a happy calm life you'll see that the slap you gave him was more than likely engineered by him expressly for the purpose of reversing the victims and blaming you.

There's no shame in leaving. It will only get worse if you stay.

OP, I left someone after 30 years. It was so, so hard, and I'm still scared of him inside.

But I did it, the DCs chose to come along too and we have all cut contact by choice (I told the DCs it was always their choice, they are teens and I won't control them the way he did).

Don't waste any energy on ever getting him to see your POV, he simply doesn't want to.

And do steel yourself against the pleading and begging for you to return, he'll change, etc, etc. It's just a ploy, mine was the same.

And mine also tried suicide threats, the last one involving our DD. I'll never forgive him for that.

Good luck!