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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What did I marry?

191 replies

Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:01

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

OP posts:
Nnnnnineteen · 15/04/2019 23:29

Op if you were my daughter I would want tou to ring me now wherever you are on the planet and I would come and find you. Do not live like this.

Mrsmummy90 · 15/04/2019 23:36

Well done for taking the first steps to take yourself out of this situation.
He is an abuser and abusers never change.
I hope you have the best life without him!
Sending you a big hug xxxx

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 23:37

Thank you. My mum has been amazing the last few weeks to the point where I have felt guilty at how much I've put on her through all my tearful conversations. She says ultimately it is my decision but her door is always open and ready for me.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/04/2019 23:44

Of course you can end this so called marriage. The sooner the better.

Meandwinealone · 15/04/2019 23:48

If you can do this you’ll be so much stronger as a person.

We all want the person we love(d) to be good and kind. Be proud of yourself for seeing it, and doing something about it.

Most people are not as brave.

BentBaastard · 15/04/2019 23:49

He sounds horrible.

Go to your mum.

beenwhereyouare · 16/04/2019 00:05

If I kept quiet and just took it I would probably see that it is his fault but how can I say that when I react and probably worsen the situation?

My mother-in-law once said to me "He wouldn't hit you if you'd just mind him." That told me everything I needed to know about her marriage, and the truth about mine. There's no longer abuse in our marriage, but it took PTSD and bipolar diagnoses, years of counseling, anger management, and millions of tears to reach that point. And the toll of all the stress over the years has led to permanent health problems for me. Definitely not what I foresaw when I married him. (I just thought about something; I moved to be with him. He saw his family daily; I was lucky to see or talk to mine or every few weeks, as long-distance phone calls were so expensive back then.)

Please be good to yourself; you don't have children yet, so you can make a clean break. I definitely wouldn't tell him you're leaving until after you're somewhere safe.

If you leave, and he tells you he'll get counseling, please don't go back until that's a reality. Mine told me he would, I went back, and then it was another 20 years before he actually decided to get help. He's since told me he was calling my bluff, and he believes now he would have followed through if I hadn't given in and returned. And even with the turnaround in our lives, at 59 I'm still going to individual counseling to build my self-esteem. I feel so much guilt for setting a terrible example for our children.

Please be good to yourself.💜

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 16/04/2019 00:10

I've just read through the responses again. I knew it was emotional abuse but can you believe I had no clue it was coercive control. I still feel the need to tell you guys of the ways I have shouted or argued back waiting for someone to tell me actually I was in the wrong and as a result the outcome would be different if I handled the situation differently. But I also know deep down and have to remind myself that yes I shouldn't react like I do but I would never think or seek to control someone like that.

I am going to read up on the links people have suggested to help me process and understand this situation i am in. Thank you to everyone who has posted.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 16/04/2019 00:11

Agree with everyone else.

Take the important things and leave. Don't tell him you are leaving him, just go to your mum. Stay safe, he sounds very unpredictable.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 16/04/2019 00:16

Beenwhereyouare-sorry I just read your post. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope you know it isn't too late for you to take what happiness you can and for your past not to determine your future. I hope you have been able to rebuild and continue to rebuild to have the life you deserve.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 16/04/2019 00:17

Coercive control is illegal in Scotland as of this month, you live in a country where this behaviour is not legal. Let that sink in for a minute.

So you can either report him to the police or the next time you're 'allowed' home for a visit, just don't come back. Don't worry about how long you've been married or any of that pish. Just get yourself home and safe.

SusieQ5604 · 16/04/2019 00:22

Controlling and abusive. Go home. And pack up and leave while he's at work

MyLadyDeadlock · 16/04/2019 01:37

Get away now.

MarthasGinYard · 16/04/2019 02:14

'I'm ashamed to admit it was actually me who was physical with him not the other way round. I was begging and pleading with him to see what I was saying, crying and there was just such a hardness to him, he basically looked at me with contempt. He completely ignored me throughout so I went for a walk. When I returned he left the keys in the lock so I was stood ringing the door bell for 30 mins. He then came to the door and smirked saying he was in the garden and hadn't heard me. Later that night I heard him laughing to his sister what he'd done and I lost it and hit him.'

Reading that made me go cold, oh that feeling of just wanting him to listen to validate you as important. When to him....you aren't.

Op I've been in exactly this situation. Almost to the letter.

He doesn't like you probably dislikes women in general. He will NEVER change it WILL get worse if you stay.

Thanks
MrsTeaspoon · 16/04/2019 02:42

Oh lovely, please just go to your Mum!
There is no ‘normal’ with interacting with family, you do what’s right for you and a caring partner is happy that you are happy. A caring partner does not lock you out of the bedroom. A caring partner does not put you down then use the excuse of ‘joking’. Sometimes you need to find the strength to say to yourself, that was a mistake, and get yourself out of a relationship!!

Topseyt · 16/04/2019 03:04

He is an arsehole. A spiteful one too. Do not waste another minute of your precious life on him.

As for you being physical with him, don't be too hard on yourself there. He deliberately pushed you beyond endurance.

Just leave. Go to your Mum's. Perhaps initially don't even tell him you are leaving. Just do it. Let things settle for as long as you need to and enjoy your newfound freedoms. Then tell him you will never be returning, and block his number.

AvengersAssemble · 16/04/2019 03:22

Sorry OP but YOU CAN call it a day, you should not stay married to a controlling man just because your scared what other irrelevant people think.

Make it very clear you will not be told when or who you can go visit, you will not be frightened into getting off the phone because your DH is making you feel uncomfortable.

If your not prepared to leave him you need to start being assertive and make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable.

Nc1548 · 16/04/2019 03:34

OP even if you don't feel ready to decide your future long term, take the first step towards a better life. Going to your mum's will give you a healthy distance to see things clearly and make a decision outside of his control and influence. Even if you think you've done things that you regret (haven't we all) the way he's treating you is still not acceptable and you need to remove yourself from the situation while you are able to do it relatively easily.

AlaskaSometimes · 16/04/2019 03:34

Op you reacted to abuse. You are not at fault. He goads you until you get so upset and frustrated you shout or react.

You are not stuck with him due to children or finances. You’re smart enough and strong enough to have woken up to this abuse very quickly. You need to make decisive plans and get out. Grab your clothes, passports and papers, anything important and just get out now. You have somewhere to go so I’d be gone. You owe him nothing.

Be careful and change all your online passwords too.

AlaskaSometimes · 16/04/2019 03:37

You are NOT over reacting by leaving. You are not giving up on your marriage. The marriage is worthless because he abuses you. Any more time spent in it is not only wasted time you’ll never get back, but creating more damage.

Humpy84 · 16/04/2019 03:57

LEAVE it will only get worst when you have a baby, are vulnerable and don’t have as much financial independence. This is the honeymoon period and he’s already treating you like a naughty flat mates. Leave.

binkyblinky · 16/04/2019 04:04

Thinking of you! It sounds like you're already taking steps to escape this horrible situation. You can do this. You deserve happiness! Not this xx

bubbleobill · 16/04/2019 04:11

Get your stuff and go home. It doesn't matter if you've been married a week or a decade. He is a nasty, horrible abusive man and you need to get away.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2019 04:26

I am going to read up on the links people have suggested to help me process and understand this situation i am in

Please don't be tempted to intellectualise what is going on while you are still in the thick of it. It will only hold you physically back from making the important move that you must make. Do this when you are safely at your mother's house.

The only preparation you need to move out and away is the effort it takes to pack and to accomplish the journey.

There is nothing to be gained by understanding or seeking to process information while you are still in this situation, and much to lose because it can get in the way of taking the action that you must take.

Please accept what everyone here is telling you - it is abuse and no appeal to his better nature or to reason will stop it. He knows what he is doing. He is dong it on purpose. He needs to hurt people. That is what he uses relationships for and he will never stop.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

The only person you can change here, the only person you have any control over here, is you.

When you are safely away from him you can start analysing his behaviour and you can decide whether he is a narcissist or a sociopath or what type of abuser in Lundy Bancroft's descriptions he is.

None of that is relevant now. You can get to it later and it will be a great help to you as you begin the detoxification process that can only happen when you have put distance between you and him.

What matters now is what you are, which is a woman in danger of being destroyed in every way a human being can be destroyed.

Coyoacan · 16/04/2019 04:42

We all make mistakes OP. I was with my abuser for a year and a half and count myself very, very lucky. The average time is something like thirteen years.

As for your violence towards him, I know that I have only ever felt violent towards my abuser, they are just so obtuse, but that as good a reason as any other to leave.