What did I marry?

[Whatdidimarry]

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

Thank you for all your responses. Each and everyone. Because whilst I knew this was wrong and awful you can't help but think and hope it will change, that maybe keeping more quiet would help that happen and that I am just as much to blame by shouting and arguing. Newfonewhodis your message really struck me as I've realised a lot of my shouting is actually when I'm scared and feeling intimidated. It's madness how he's never so much raised a hand yet how just body language and looks can make you feel that way. And then I hate him and myself for letting myself be scared.

He is going on a stag do for his best mate this weekend. I'm going to spend that whole time packing. I hope one day I will be on the other side with all of you advising someone in a similar situation as life really was so much better on the other side. X

Great update. Stay strong. I promise life is better on the other side

Good luck op.
Being away from a bully is very liberating.

Don't let him come home to find you packing. Pack and leave.

Optimism is not your best friend here. Glad you have recognised the part it plays in keeping you stuck.

I know I am better off leaving now while I still have the fire inside me to know I don't and won't be treated this way. Over time I will lose that and then the decision will no longer be mine. I'm not letting myself get to that stage.

Don't delay. Don't wait for a showdown. Don't wait for closure or an apology or an explanation, or to say goodbye.

Because the ultimate aim of all abuse, even emotional and psychological (maybe especially emotional and psychological) is to make you think you have no option but to stay.

YY to watch out for the suicide gambit when he realises the rest of his ploys to get you back have failed. Also look out for flying monkeys in the shape of his friends and relatives contacting you with pleas and insinuations that you are being cruel and concern for him as he is losing his mind, worrying them, whatever.

Dear WhatdidImarry,
I think that very few, who behave negatively may change. And then probably only if they have no choice but to change.
Take some time out-have a short holiday without him and talk to friends. Think about what you want, and what you have.
then decide if you want to give your marriage another shot. And if you do, start by setting rules and ultimatums. Be clear to yourself and to him as to what you will/will not tolerate.
And stick to it.

Glad you're leaving him.

Good update. Stay strong.

Don't be tempted to go back or give it another go. All the ultimatums in the world will be futile. He is showing you very clearly who he is, and you need to listen carefully there. He will never change and if you went back it would ramp up because you dared to disobey him the first time.

Those cheap laundry stripy laundry bags and strong bin bags will be your friend with clothes/bedding.

Because whilst I knew this was wrong and awful you can't help but think and hope it will change, that maybe keeping more quiet would help that happen and that I am just as much to blame by shouting and arguing

And that's what happens. No matter how fiery you are start out with, you end up just trying to keep the peace. My dd is very fiery, but she had a boyfriend who completely trained her never to smile at any male. Fortunately they never lived together, but when she finally did leave him she had zero friends and anyone who knew her during that time thought she was a stuck-up bitch.

@Whatdidimarry - you in danger girl

It's only been a year. I'd say it's time to move on. Imagine when you have kids? Will you be 'allowed' to go to see your parents?

Quite honestly you can leave whenever you want. You don't have to stay in any marriage and it's much easier to leave early than later on or when children come along.
I'd be off - no man tells me what I am "allowed" to do if they know whats good for them.

OP I know you’ve seen the light and are planning to leave but I felt compelled to comment, having been through very similar myself.

In my early twenties I met, lived with and became engaged to a man who sounds EXACTLY like your DH. The closer to the wedding (and more money my parents spent) the worse his behaviour got- as he obviously felt I wouldn’t leave him!

He would make comments about my weight/body/food- he wanted me to call him daddy 🤢- he would play into all of my anxieties and start arguments just to turn it around and tell me I was unreasonable.

I felt like I was crazy but didn’t identify it as abuse because ‘I was a strong confident girl so nobody could do that to me, right?’
WRONG.

Just because you’re the type of girl who people think are ‘outgoing/confident/clever/strong’ it doesn’t mean that you’re impermeable to an arsehole getting under your skin and ruining your life!

Just before the wedding one of his friends told me a ‘funny’ story about how awful he used to be with women and how he used to brag about ‘negging’ them into submission. But wow he was obviously a changed man now 🙈

I’ve wondered a few times since if he friend was actually trying to warn me, or reach out to me- subtly. But it worked!

I’m now married to a man who is the best person I’ve ever met 😊❤️

RUN AWAY AND DO NO FEEL ASHAMED- this wasn’t your fault!

I recommend Lundy Bancroft book on abusive men.
It totally opened my eyes, I knew my DH was abusive but the book helped me understand how.

My DH was very good at getting me to scream in frustration at him. It’s called “ the water torture “

It’s interesting that someone upthread mentioned 13 years for a typical cycle. We lasted 13 years before a few major incidents cleared the fog and I saw myself and what I had become.

It’s such early days, you haven’t any children..run...run and don’t look back.
Be very wary of him becoming super nice and wanting to resolve things. I’d recommend writing down exactly how you feel, incidents, etc. Just in case you do have a weak moment.

I lived with the knot of fear and constant criticism, now I don’t and it’s wonderful.

Good luck this weekend op

@NewFoneWhoDis

Your post gave me shivers. My ex did exactly the same to me. He’d follow me around the house and back me up against walls or into corners, screaming at me inches from my face. I remember one time, when I tried to get past him, he pushed me so I fell, then stood over me. Another time, when I managed to get out of the house, I ran down the street and he ran after me. He’d come into a room I was in and lock the door behind him so I couldn’t escape, then proceed with his shouting right up in my face. Thank god we are both out of this now.

OP, just get out and don’t look back. Take it from those of us who are posting from the other side, it won’t get better. Don’t try to reason with him, don’t tell him anything, don’t even speak to him. Pack your things and go.

It’s interesting that someone upthread mentioned 13 years for a typical cycle. We lasted 13 years before a few major incidents cleared the fog and I saw myself and what I had become

I would agree with this. First 2 years can be honeymoon period and then you spend the next 10 years trying to get back how it was in those early years.

Pack and leave this weekend OP.

I was with my ex for nearly 10 years, but divorced within a year of marriage. He was abusive too. Getting married made me realise that if I didn’t do something then I’d be old and still having to deal with his shit!

No one, not one person judged me for leaving my marriage within a year. And to this day, it’s the best thing I ever did for me!

Did you notice the message from the previous poster who reminded you to take your marriage certificate with you? You will need it to divorce him. Ideally, take both copies. This is because you have to send one copy with your application to divorce and they don't send it back. Following that, you will need another copy to change your name back to your maiden name.

A Decree Absolute is just a normal print out piece of paper and only includes your married name (if this is the name in which you apply for a divorce). This means that you need the marriage certificate to link your maiden and married name for purposes of sorting out the name change.

You may still be going under your maiden name or you may not wish to change it. However, I used my married name and wanted to change it back and the admin was a total ball ache, particularly when I got a new job because my passport and driving license were in my married name so they would not accept my choice of name without the chain of identity proof, so I had to ask my ex-husband for his copy of the certificate. He is a decent man and put it in the post as soon as I asked. It doesn't sound as if yours would.

He is going on a stag do for his best mate this weekend. I'm going to spend that whole time packing.

I'm so happy to read this!!! You are definitely doing the right thing. Please leave before he returns home.

You do not need to tell him you are leaving. In fact, I would be scared about his reaction if you did. Do not put yourself in any danger. Pack... leave... and get on with the rest of your life.

You are doing so well, to stop and question things and not bury your head in the sand and wish for it to go away.
I lived such a life for 16 years, and as many said, it will not get better, it will even get worse, it will change you as a person, you will become so cautious with the small things before even the big ones, because you will want to avoid the comments, the looks, the sulks and the abuse...You have a better life waiting for you, you deserve better.
Hope all goes well, avoid contact with him as he will try everything to get you back

Hope you ok OP and have managed to get away this weekend.

Thanks minkies. I left on Sat. Feel a sense of relief but also deep sadness. He came back from the Stag to find me gone. Before he left for it, I sat him down and told him I wanted a trial separation. He responded by getting irritated and telling me to p* off and go then and then slamming the door on the way out. It basically sealed the deal for me. I'm crying in front of him and trying to discuss and that's his response as it has been so many times that I've tried to discuss anything with him about our situation.

His first reaction was to cry when he came and found me gone. But within the hour it had turned to anger and him calling me names and actually going Lol and using crying with laughter emojis in his texts. I know some of this is bravado but either he doesn't take this seriously or his ego is above him losing this marriage. He's not devoid of sympathy for example, when his sister broke up from her husband he actually cried and was there daily for 3 months and had her over to stay all the time at ours. For me it's as though he goes out of his way to actively hurt me.

WELL DONE!!!!!!

Keep posting here... No doubt he'll follow The Script and the amazing women on here can support you through it xxx