What did I marry?

[Whatdidimarry]

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

Isn't it a known fact that the first year of marriage is the hardest

Not that I've ever heard, or observed in anyone I know. Certainly the first year of having a baby is often hard on a relationship. But not of marriage - that tends to be one of the easiest. Honeymoon stage etc.

This guy sounds truly toxic and abusive the more you describe him. I can only imagine how your poor mum must be feeling - terrified she might say the wrong thing and push you away, desperate for you to leave this horror show of a marriage and come home to safety.

@Whatdidimarry
I am in no position (see my threads) to even think to offer advice. But when you said
'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything.
My heart sank as this was exactly how my life with H started and now I'm a few years down the line , cut off from family with only MN for support ( who've been fab) I stopped phoning people as he would make me feel guilty, then texting had to stop along with social media etc . If you can leave please do . I'm so happy for you that you've noticed it early.

Op the first year of my marriage wasn't hard. Things continued as normal. Marriage isn't an obligation to put up with misery and abuse.

The first year of marriage is usually one of the easier ones. It is very unlikely that you will settle down and learn to communicate from here. That is cloud cuckoo land, I'm afraid. He isn't interested in you at all.

What have I married?

You've married a controlling emotionally abusive bully.

He locks you out of your bedroom? Tells you when you're ALLOWED to visit your own family?

Seriously, next time you visit them, do not go back. And do not tell him your plans either or I fear his behaviour will escalate. Please make plans to visit them as soon as flipping possible and get the hell away from him.

"I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year."

This is no way to think. You're in a relationship with someone who is abusing and controlling you. The sooner you get out, the sooner you get your life back, the sooner you get a chance to be happy.

The failure would be to stay in the relationship that has obvious failed because you lack the courage to leave.

I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time
This strong visceral "gut" feeling is a primitive warning of danger which you should not ignore. It is often that feeling which keeps us safe.

I actually dropped my passport, birth certificate and bank cards at my parents house earlier today. I also signed up with an agency whilst I was there.
Good move. Now move anything else which is important (laptop? IPad? Clothing) as well and get your mail redirected to your mother's address. You should be able to do this online. Do not pre-warn him of what you are doing. Despite him telling you to leave he will make it more difficult for you if he knows you are actually following through. Also change your passwords on your bank account(s), email etc. I'm assuming you don't have a joint bank account. If you do then make sure (after you are safely at your mother's) that you transfer anything due to you before he drains the account.

I was begging and pleading with him to see what I was saying, crying and there was just such a hardness to him, he basically looked at me with contempt. He completely ignored me throughout so I went for a walk. When I returned he left the keys in the lock so I was stood ringing the door bell for 30 mins. He then came to the door and smirked saying he was in the garden and hadn't heard me. Later that night I heard him laughing to his sister what he'd done and I lost it and hit him.
This man hates you and is doing everything to minimise you. What type of creature does this? I wonder what his sister thought of his behaviour? BTW don't confide in her.

It's more isn't it a known fact the first year of marriage is the hardest and maybe we will settle and learn to communicate. I start off conversations with him calmly with the intent but when he sits stony face or walks out the room or keeps telling me to shut up I start shouting in sheer frustration. I say the same thing in 5 different ways waiting for the one thing to resonate with him. But now for him I'm just a nag who needs screening out further.
He is cruel but "thank goodness" he has shown you what he is before you were pregnant or on maternity leave or SAHM with no access to money. You have a better idea now of what you're dealing with.

Don't try and talk yourself out of this OP, or believe him - once you've escaped - that he'll change for the better. He's not troubling to hide who he is: he's literally waving red flags in your face.

Rather than beating yourself up for not recognising the red flags before, be grateful you see them now. Protect yourself and leave: I hope you will. 🌷

**He isn't interested in you at all.

This is what I don't get? He pursued me to get married. So why now treat me with contempt?

Do you know more than anything I feel relief at reading these messages. No one has said I should stay. Or tried to tell me how to work it through with him because in all honesty the thought of doing that with him is unbearable. I find myself dreading going home after work and try to busy myself the whole evening with inane jobs. I fight the urge to flinch away when he tries to be tactile.

I had a chat with my cousin today, I am thinking of going South to stay with her. She says there is a big recruitment drive at her work place, I'm worried about the effect of going back to my old home town on my emotional state, to go back to that same life cuts hard. Also this way I can be further away from him. I have started packing away little bits, putting things into vacuum bags etc so it seems like I'm organising. Reading other posters who say "But I love him," got me thinking. You know I don't think I love him. I feel bereft at the dreams and visions I had for us but him... No.

It sounds like you're taking the right steps lass. Just don't let this activity replace the actual move.

He pursued me to get married. So why now treat me with contempt?
Because he wanted someone to abuse. Notice how he's moved you miles from family and is now trying to isolate you from them further. That's so you are more dependent on him and he can ramp up the abuse.

When you do leave, incidentally, this will disappear overnight: his response is to tell me to go, he won't be held at ransom and he doesn't look back and cry for anyone. He will swear undying love whilst continuing to blame you for the split, to try and either lure or guilt you back. If you escape, he's 'lost'. That would never do.

Starter marriage. Move on fast - no brainer. You will look back and thank god you got out when you did. There’s no coming back from what you describe it’s not normal sounds like the opening of a horror movie tbh.

You married an abusive man but it's absolutely not your fault.

Abusers are sneaky b@#&£rds and ramp up slowly. Things get worse not better and you are under no obligation to hang around.

He's broken his vows. Many of the women on this thread have been in your shoes and the consensus is the sooner you leave, the better.

Good luck OP. This situation is not your fault.

If you stay the controlling behaviour will get worse.

If you stay you will begin to not even recognise yourself anymore

Stay strong

I left my husband today after my therapist told me I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for the last 15 years! I'm bloody scared what's going forward but looking forward to not worrying about what mood he'll be in! Think of yourself, don't waste 15 years like I have...

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong and do what you need to do. X

Well done Dimebag10M. You’ve sown tremendous courage and always remember, if things get tough, at least you’re free. You can do what YOU want to, without any asshole criticising you or telling you that your wrong. 💐

*shown

Well done for facing this horrible situation. Leave, well, now. Stay with people. You will be fine.

Hope you leave him OP
That knot of anxiety can grow and overwhelm you until you believe it has always been there and that its 'normal'. It isn't. It will be such a weight off you when you are away from him. He sounds so controlling it's unreal.

Yes the first year of marriage is hard BUT he really does sound dreadful and abusive.

A close relative of mine cling to her new marriage to "give it a chance" and because she was embarrassed. Honestly, it was the worst decision she could have made. She was a shell of her former self by the time they split and like you (from what you have said) she was an assertive professional who I honestly thought wouldn't be the last person to get caught up. She has easily lost the best part of 10 years of her life. Don't do the same thing.

Also re contact with family. If your husband speaks to people daily why can't you? In my house not only do I speak to my parents daily, but my husband will often call them too just because! In essence it's your husband with the issues and you can't fix them unfortunately.

*clung

You're asking "how did I get it so wrong" OP.

Right now that doesn't matter. If you were in a burning building you wouldn't start questioning yourself as to how you got there, you'd get out immediately.

Please leave this excuse for a human being as quickly as you possibly can. Hes one of the worst ones I've read about on Mumsnet.

Only then will it be safe for you to examine the decisions that resulted in you being in this terrible situation. And rest assured it is not your fault!
Good luck.

I wouldn’t worry about the length of your marriage.

One wedding I went to didn’t last the honeymoon.
Everyone told her she came second to his work. (Superviser in an accounts dept).
He brought his briefcase on holiday and ran up £100s in phone bills (pre mobile phone days) trying to keep working.

She left him on day 2

Another friend (also warned he wasn’t right for her) had his bags packed and had the locks changed before the end of the wedding day.

When things are not working it is not worth hanging around hoping for something to change.

I don’t think op your dh is going to change other than get worse.

I am sure he will proclaim his undying love for you when you do leave (Probably to save face especially as he was joking to his dsis about how abusive he could be to you).

Gonna look pretty stupid now.

Then when that doesn’t work isn’t it followed by a medical problem?

Run for the hills and don’t look back

This man is a controlling, narcissistic abuser. The “I’m joking” following cruelty is him trying to disguise abuse as humor.

Stop taking the blame for his contemptuous behavior.

How much more of your life are you going to waste on this sadist? Get out now.

Stop making excuses and go. Just leave. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Don't think or reason or argue any more just get out