What did I marry?

[Whatdidimarry]

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

I'm SO GLAD to hear you have left.

His responsive is just typical of an abuser; he knows he has lost control over you. So he responds with anger and by calling you every name under the sun.

Let him. Just block him for now so you don't have to keep checking your phone. Onwards and upwards, keep posting.

Can you hand your phone over to your mum so you don't have to read his messages? She can screen them for you.

Oh but well done for leaving. Over the coming days you might find yourself remembering the good times and thinking "it wasn't all bad" and missing him and wondering if you've done the right thing. It's normal.

You have done the right thing and the future will be so much better without him in it.

Well done! I am so glad for you.

His responsive is just typical of an abuser; he knows he has lost control over you. So he responds with anger and by calling you every name under the sun.

^ This. And as Mitzimaybe says, you will go through a roller coaster of emotions, remembering some of the good bits and wondering if you have made the right decision but when this happens - and it's entirely normal - just think of what he would be like if you gave in to your sadness and went back to him.

Look forwards now, not back, and stay strong

Well done ❤️
You will start to see things very much more clearly now you are out
💐

Bloody well done

Heres to the rest of your life

You've no children with this man so block him on everything now.

If he phones from a withheld number do not engage at all and say something along the lines this wasn't working goodbye and hang up and repeat. If he continues to harrass contact the police.

good luck now.

Brilliant OP - you've done it. Nothing you could ever do would make you No 1 in this man's eyes. You can continue the rest of your life without having been reduced to a shadow of yourself which would have happened if you'd stayed. You haven't failed in anything - you've won a massive victory for your future!

but either he doesn't take this seriously or his ego is above him losing this marriage

That is very insightful of you. He will not be able to take responsibility so he will blame you. Prepare for him to slander you, make up lies and be vindictive.
His reaction does not make sense to rational people but that is the nature of abusive people. They are disordered and their thinking is not rational.

A breakup from an abusive relationship takes longer to heal from, but you will get there.

As you reflect on your marriage don't blame yourself for shouting back, I did similar and for exactly the same reasons as you, I was afraid. When I responded calmly his abuse escalated and that is actually when I left as I felt a visceral instinct that I could not ignore.

I am sorry that you are going through this but glad you feel able to leave.

It's highly likely his "cried when he found I'd gone" was actually rage and grief over losing the total control he thought he had over you.
Don't let time rephrase that in your mind as "he must have cared because he cried when he found I'd left".

Well done op. The day I chucked exh out was the best day of our marriage. Haven't seen /heard from him since the night before I told him to leave. Blissful.

You might want to google the Lucy Bancroft abuser profile "THE WATER TORTURER" as it sounds very like what you have been dealing with, where you end up shouting just to try and be heard at all.

Well done you trust me your future self is applauding 👏👏👏. It’s hard but stick with your decision it does get easier x

I'm so proud of you! You truly deserve someone so much better!

Wow. I'm so glad you found the strength to leave. You should be proud of your courage and the fact that you recognized and took steps to change your life even before you posted.

And thank you for your concerns about my situation. That wasn't my intent. I just recognized the signs and wanted you to know how much worse it could have gotten.

And I'm okay. My therapist has told me we are one of the very rare stories where things truly got better. I no longer want to leave. At this LATE stage of our marriage (40 years) he's finally the person he seemed to be before I married him. There's now a lot of respect, love, laughter, etc. in our house.

But I know how rare this change is, and even with this positive outcome, if I had it to do over, I would have left at 19. No one should have to live the way that we did the first 30 years. I would NEVER advocate staying in that situation. The chances of someone permanently turning things around are very small.

So good for you for taking back control of your life. Smart girl; you have a good head on your shoulders! It sounds like moving south may be just the change you need. Best of luck! 💜

Well done, OP.

Now stay strong. Enjoy the freedom you now have without having to walk on eggshells around him.