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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What did I marry?

191 replies

Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:01

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

OP posts:
Ariesgirl1988 · 15/04/2019 22:37

I know it's emotional abuse. But I'm not the submissive type either. If I kept quiet and just took it I would probably see that it is his fault but how can I say that when I react and probably worsen the situation?

Erm well for a start your sticking up for yourself and secondly it sounds like he's deliberately winding you up to the point of frustration and shouting so he has a metaphorical stick to beat you with don't stick around for it to become an actual stick and dear god don't have no kids with him. If you stay he'll get much worse as time goes on and you'll stop arguing back because he's ground you down.

This may sounds harsh but making you fearful, anxious and locking you out of the bedroom until you apologise is coercive controlling behaviour and are big red flags for this toss pot never mind how long you've been married get out now so you don't waste many years on a man who will never treat you as a person but clearly thinks you're a piece of property to be owned HIS PROPERTY to be exact. Leave and file for divorce get shot and find someone better.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:40

I know in my heart this is abuse. Im just so furious with myself how did I get it so wrong. How have I found myself in this situation? Why didn't I walk away from this relationship when I saw the signs before marrying him but chose to turn a blind eye

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 15/04/2019 22:44

OP - Please stop this. You arent going to 'win' via arguing back with him.

& To whom are you trying prove a point by not ending the marriage?

Do you want to stay with him? If you do then so be it but Id suggest solo counselling to help you explore this.

If not then just leave. He's a bad bargain. Your blood pressure will end up through the roof what with the shouting and knot of fear in chest.

Do what youwouldthink said re not going back after youve visited family.

No man is worth all this stress and your possible loss of health. Not to mention the abuse. He pokes you in the arm etc now, dont stay until you get a ringing slap to the face and are crying because you could have got out sooner.

Meandwinealone · 15/04/2019 22:44

Because that’s what we all do in the main.
Everyone wants to see the good in someone. no one wants to believe they’re in an abusive relationship.

Do not beat yourself up about this. It is not your fault.

Get yourself to counselling on your own.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:46

I actually dropped my passport, birth certificate and bank cards at my parents house earlier today. I also signed up with an agency whilst I was there. I posted on here today as I wanted to confirm this frustration to the point of tears and anger and upset wasn't my fault and I wasn't jumping ship because I couldn't work through a difficult situation but actually someone else in my shoes would do the same.

OP posts:
Thatnovembernight · 15/04/2019 22:48

It’s quite common for women to think they are not really being abused because they argue back and that all abused women are quiet and subservient. This isn’t true.

If he is like this already I can only imagine how much worse it could get. Have a google of how abuse can escalate during pregnancy/babyhood.

It’s so much easier to walk away from a marriage that is a few months old than one that is a decade old with children and established workplaces and social circles and memories. Honestly. You’re so blessed to see this for what it is so early on. I’d make the most of that.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 15/04/2019 22:49

As previous posters have said, next time you visit your family take all your personal documents with you and don't go back.
You don't need permission to leave, just leave him and run far far away, you can't be expected to live with an abuser

🚩🚩🚩🚩red flags, op, the hills are there
RUN Whatdidimarry just fucking RUN

elephantoverthehill · 15/04/2019 22:50

You also need your marriage certificate, it is your property. And good luck Flowers

myredcardiganbob · 15/04/2019 22:53

I’m so sorry you are in this situation but I’m glad you live in Scotland. Coercive Control is against the law here - it is a crime - and he can be prosecuted for it.

Google: Coercive Control and the Domestic Abuse Scotland Act (2018)

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/04/2019 22:57

Im just so furious with myself how did I get it so wrong. How have I found myself in this situation? Why didn't I walk away from this relationship when I saw the signs before marrying him but chose to turn a blind eye

Don't be hard on yourself - you are seeing it NOW and acting on it NOW. That is courageous and strong of you. And he may not have been outright abusive before marriage - abusers like to feel their victims are nicely stuck before they really start ramping it up.

Craftycorvid · 15/04/2019 22:59

What all the PPs have said. Go. But Don’t take risks - if he realises your plans he may escalate his aggression. Don’t alert him to what you are doing. Pretend it’s a family visit - anything - just get out.

justasking111 · 15/04/2019 23:01

Please leave. The marriage is over in all but name.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/04/2019 23:03

It's him, not you. Leave now and start afresh. He is trying to distance you from your support network, he is constantly giving digs designed to lower your confidence, he knows how to trigger you so that you are the one shouting. None of these things are the actions of someone who cares about your wellbeing.

Even if there was fault on both sides (and I really don't think there is) you don't communicate well with each other, you are not well suited. At best you will both be happier apart, at minimum you will be happier apart.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 23:06

I have told him a few times I can't do this anymore and his response is to tell me to go, he won't be held at ransom and he doesn't look back and cry for anyone. So he knows we are heading here.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 15/04/2019 23:09

Op, read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evan's.It will help you understand the dynamic.

Toxic abusive people are not rational which is why it makes no sense to try to change them. It is often caused by a personality disorder, causes are thought to be genetic or nurture
It is very common for abuse to ramp up after marriage or pregnancy when they think you are trapped.

There is nothing you can do to change him. A good approach is to journal the incidents as you get clarity by reading back also observe don't absorb...it will help you manage your emotions as you will see that he is looking for you to react so he can blame you. Practice phrases such as " that is not acceptable to me"

It is really unlikely he can change, often the behaviour escalates as he is training you to be subservient.

dontfluffthefluffer · 15/04/2019 23:09

No, he assumes you're not strong enough to just go and he's using comments like that to belittle you and make you believe you're worthless. He will not expect you to go, he just likes the feeling of power over you it gives him.

Be safe, be stealthy.

Meandwinealone · 15/04/2019 23:09

At least you’re doing this now.
And not 7 years down the line with 2 kids under 5

Honestly. You’re saving yourself

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 23:10

You poor thing, you’ve married a monster. There are so many red flags here I’m very concerned about you. Call Women’sAid for support but you need to leave ASAP. 💐

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 23:13

Thank you for all your responses. It's helped to cement what I already knew in my heart and have taken steps to get out of. I actually did see a counsellor by myself and he is the one who mentioned the word abuse. I thought he was overreacting but now I see it more and more.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 15/04/2019 23:14

So when can you go OP? Can you go to your parents for Easter and not come back? Do you own a house together? Do you work locally? Whatever, just go tomorrow if you can.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 23:19

I'm ashamed to admit it was actually me who was physical with him not the other way round. I was begging and pleading with him to see what I was saying, crying and there was just such a hardness to him, he basically looked at me with contempt. He completely ignored me throughout so I went for a walk. When I returned he left the keys in the lock so I was stood ringing the door bell for 30 mins. He then came to the door and smirked saying he was in the garden and hadn't heard me. Later that night I heard him laughing to his sister what he'd done and I lost it and hit him.

It's after this I've started to take steps. I'm becoming someone I never was.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 15/04/2019 23:21

@Whatdidimarry
At least you realise when you’ve got to
The point of being pushed to the edge that it’s really over.
This man is cruel and that’s the nicest thing I can say about him

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 23:21

I work locally but as a temp so I can leave within the week. I live in his house so I guess I am lucky in one sense

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 15/04/2019 23:22

And just to add, I’ve gad that moment where I’ve thought what have I become. And it’s a lightbulb moment to get out.
Don’t end up being a person you hate because of him

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 23:25

Thank you meandwinealone. I needed to hear that. That he is cruel becuae right now I am so angry and upset with myself for marrying this man. And I am really trying to fight this anger of why was I so stupid in marrying him and overlooking those small signs. That as an educated, independent woman why did I end up here. Because if it was my friend like someone asked on here earlier, I would have been shaking them into sense and saying come on and stop being so naive.

OP posts: