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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What did I marry?

191 replies

Whatdidimarry · 15/04/2019 22:01

I moved to Scotland to be with my now husband. At the start he promised we would visit my family every month together. He now says I am 'ALLOWED' to visit my family once a month. He sees his family daily. When I speak to friends and family on the phone he gets really agitated although he doesn't say anything. I'm starting to get a knot of fear in my chest all the time.

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. But how do I make him see this is unacceptable. When I try to talk to him he refuses to listen until I am shouting in frustration. He then responds by going to sleep in the spare room or locking me out of the bedroom and won't speak to me until I apologise to him.

OP posts:
BringMeAGinandTonic · 16/04/2019 05:29

So many hugs to you, OP. You're very strong. It's hard right now but it will get better, one step at a time. Definitely leave this guy. He is not alright. Please go to your mum's. I hope you can get out soon and start your journey to healing.

I was in a similar relationship when I was 19 and I too needed validation and for my abusive partner at the time to listen to me. I too was locked out. I had a set of rules to live by (he made rules). I too would shout at times because he was not listening to me. That's just us, trying to be heard. We are still the victims. You, me. We are not the monsters. They are.

Please get out ASAP. Flowers

ScreamingLadySutch · 16/04/2019 05:36

Tell work as well.

The shame is not yours to bear.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/04/2019 07:45

What a singularly unpleasant man he sounds. Good on you for realising this now and making plans to get out, rather than wasting more years of your life on the sunk-costs fallacy.
Go to your lovely mum. Thanks

juneau · 16/04/2019 07:51

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year.

Yes, you can, and I've known several marriages that have failed in the first year. We all make mistakes, sometimes we take a job that turns out to be a nightmare and sometimes we marry the wrong person and only see their true colours after the wedding. You will have less to lose if you walk away now than if you wait and FGS do not have DC with this man!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2019 07:59

You need to leave as soon as possible and you would not be overreacting at all in doing so. Such men hate women, all of them.

Abuse like you describe is also insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people over time and unawares. I would also suggest you enrol yourself going forward onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you.

The shame as others have stated is all his, any shame and or embarrassment you feel here is totally misplaced.

AgathaF · 16/04/2019 08:08

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year. - what will change once you get to that year landmark? Will he suddenly become a good person? Will it mean that you haven't made a bad choice after all? Of course it won't.

You have nothing to stay for. He won't change. Not now, not when you reach a year of marriage, and not in 5 years time. He is who he is. He's shown himself to be cold, unkind, controlling, abusive. He doesn't love you.

Staying with him just prolongs this awful situation for you. Don't give him another week, or month, or year.

Moralitym1n1 · 16/04/2019 08:13

Don't worry about this not being successful because it didn't 'work out' , I understand the feeling of failing and of pride etc.

It's a fallacy - in this situation success is recognising it and end the relationship/gettin away from him
Success is not staying with him or continuing the marriage. There's something with him and it ain't fixable. Even if it were he'd have to fix it in his own, not when you are there, being abused. But the chances of him doing that are so low as to be pointless discussing or factoring in

It's not a failure on your part to end this relationship/marriage; youre doing the right thing. Oftentimes people don't really show their true colours til the other person's invested, trapped as they see it.

(You're even doing the right thing for him; in that it should give him s wake up call to get some help and not repeat this in his life; he probably won't, he'll just go on trying to control and bully a partner and his relationships will last as long as the people put up with it, it that isn't your problem. Or anyone's problem bug his and the poor fuckers hd gets involved with).

Moralitym1n1 · 16/04/2019 08:13
  • something wrong with him
cakecakecheese · 16/04/2019 08:23

I know someone who was married only a few months then left her abusive husband. No one cared about the length of the marriage or the cost of the wedding etc, everyone was just pleased she got away from him.

zoellafort1tude · 16/04/2019 08:26

I can't call it a day on the marriage, I've been married less than a year

It's never too early to leave your abuser.

Original poster
Whatdidimarry · 16/04/2019 11:24

Its not the shame of calling it a day less than a year. Maybe that will come later but right now the relief of not having to have this anxiety day in and out overwhelms that. It's more isn't it a known fact the first year of marriage is the hardest and maybe we will settle and learn to communicate. I start off conversations with him calmly with the intent but when he sits stony face or walks out the room or keeps telling me to shut up I start shouting in sheer frustration. I say the same thing in 5 different ways waiting for the one thing to resonate with him. But now for him I'm just a nag who needs screening out further.

OP posts:
myheadsamess15 · 16/04/2019 11:27

He tells you to leave and he doesn't care, but believe me when you do leave he will beg for you back, they always do. Leave now and block him as it will only get worse and you will be more isolated. Its abuse and not what you deserve. I'm living in a refuge because of my abusive ex and trying to get my life together again.

S1naidSucks · 16/04/2019 11:33

I don’t know why people believe this nonsense about the first year being the hardest. This may have been like it in years going by, when men felt they had the right to be in charge of women and ‘growing together’ or ‘making compromises’ was simply another way of saying that a woman would learn her place.

Those days are gone, OP. The first year of marriage may have done small challenges, such as what colour to paint the walls and who does what around the house. Not this crap that you’re going through. Your life is only going to get worse, the longer you’re married. Get out now. Stop wasting another moment of your life on this horrible man. Stop setting your bar so low, you deserve better.

user1479305498 · 16/04/2019 12:02

OP, he is just weird, clearly controlled it to reel you in, but I think you know he’s not quite ‘all there’ and he certainly doesn’t deserve someone in his life like you. Don’t feel stupid, many many people have trodden in your shoes before.

GummyGoddess · 16/04/2019 12:16

Easter is the perfect time to go back to your family for a fresh start. Before he isolates you from them or you won't have anywhere to go.

What are you waiting for? Organise a van for tomorrow while he's at work and take your stuff to the locker you have organised near your family (or their garage). Don't waste time photocopying, take the original documents and post them back if needed. Take any money you are owed from your accounts. Organise it now, and then when arranged, call 101 and inform them you are doing it tomorrow so they will be aware if you need them.

Nc1548 · 16/04/2019 12:26

It's more isn't it a known fact the first year of marriage is the hardest and maybe we will settle and learn to communicate

No, a relationship doesn't have to be this hard ever! And a grown man doesn't need to be taught not to be abusive. You cannot and should not try to change him. By staying you are actually reinforcing his behaviour and saying it's acceptable.
Change yourself, reinforce healthy boundaries, protect your mental health.

ScrambledSmegs · 16/04/2019 12:31

I know a woman who called it a day on the honeymoon. He was a vile piece of work who only showed her what he was really like after the wedding. I have so much respect for her for being so decisive and not staying to be mentally tortured by him.

It will only get worse. Leave, please. As soon as you can.

tribpot · 16/04/2019 12:32

maybe we will settle and learn to communicate
You don't have a communication problem. You have an abuse problem. You cannot fix this.

AgathaF · 16/04/2019 12:56

maybe we will settle and learn to communicate - he doesn't want to settle and learn to communicate. His view of the marriage that he wants to be in is not compatible with your view. An abusive jerk today is still going to be an abusive jerk in 3 months time, or 3 years time.

KittyInTheCradle · 16/04/2019 12:58

Just wanted to point out that unfortunately, in terms of statistics, abusive behaviour often starts at key points including shortly following marriage, or in pregnancy.
You didn't know what you married because he didn't show himself until now. If people showed themselves as soon as we met them we wouldn't end up in these situations!!

Charley34 · 16/04/2019 13:04

Big hugs OP I hope you leave him and get the love and respect you deserve x

FetchezLaVache · 16/04/2019 13:28

Just thank your stars that he didn't wait until you were pregnant before showing you his true colours. He sounds absolutely awful, OP - please don't waste any more of your life on this vile being.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2019 13:36

WhatdidImarry,

re your comment:-

"It's more isn't it a known fact the first year of marriage is the hardest and maybe we will settle and learn to communicate"

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Abuse is no respecter of class nor creed and it can happen to anyone. He probably targeted you because some abusive men can see "strong women" as a challenge to take down to their base level.

Being in the wrong marriage or relationship is the hardest, its not about a period of time. What you're describing here with him is akin to death by 1000 cuts for you. It is only when you are fully apart from him will you actually realise the extent to which you have been abused by him.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Your H wants absolute over you.

Noimaginationxyzz · 16/04/2019 13:38

I don't think the OP is minded to leave, which is a great shame. I think your encouraging words of courage and support are falling on deaf ears. As we all realise, the start is the best bit, not the worst bit.

bibliomania · 16/04/2019 13:49

I had the same thing of thinking things would settle down after a year, and it was just taking us a while to understand each other. It really didn't change magically after a year and a day, and I ended up leaving after 17 months.

The problem isn't just that you're going through an adjustment process, getting used to being together. He's not kind to you and he doesn't have your back, and these are fundamental qualities that he's not going to suddenly develop.

Sorry if I've missed something (skipped a couple of pages)but the longer you stay, the higher your chances are of becoming pregnant, and tied to him for life.

This is only going to get worse, not better.

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