Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

To be honest I think he has acted disgracefully. Doesn't matter it was his stag do, he could of course have stopped it. Just seems so childish as well as betraying you. Why would you want a virtually naked women in a private room. How would he feel if he came home to find some man rubbing his cock all over you?

How you deal with this is up to you but I would be devastated

@MarieG10 thank you.
Yes I agree with all you said. I also have that analogy. That in itself makes me feel uncomfortable.
I can't see how, just because it's in that environment, it's any different to someone being naked elsewhere.

I ended my marriage for less than this so can confidently say that it would be game over for me.

Why would you want a virtually naked women in a private room.

Well, it doesn't take a huge amount of imagination to answer this, surely.

OP, if he were as disgusted by it as he now claims, he could have ended it/refused to engage with it at any time. He feels guilty now but I'm fairly confident he wasn't horrified by it at the time.

I can't see how, just because it's in that environment, it's any different to someone being naked elsewhere.

That's because it's not.

It’s cheating. You’re not over reacting.

He can’t have been too distraught or he’d have walked out.

What would he think if you did that?

I’d kick him out tbh whilst you have a think.

(((Hugs))) @OP,
I would say it was predominantly his mates that railroaded him into having this private dance. It doesn’t sound as though he enjoyed it actually. More that it made him feel awkward and uncomfortable as it was more graphic than he assumed it would be. I think you have a right to be upset, but don’t throw away your relationship over a private lap dance. The woman was being paid to do a job at the end of the day. She had no sexual interest in your DP.

Less of the 'virtually' naked. Hold ups and a suspender belt don't hide much do they.

I feel absolutely gutted and disappointed/sad/angry

I wouldn’t marry him after that. Sorry OP. In any other situation, you’d be crazy to stay with someone with so little respect for you and for women generally, so why would this be any different?

I can't see how, just because it's in that environment, it's any different to someone being naked elsewhere.

It’s not. It’s cheating.

The woman was being paid to do a job at the end of the day. She had no sexual interest in your DP

That's not really the point, is it?

It does sound pretty grim.

I take it that the reason you know about this is because your DP was open and honest with you? I think that would make a difference to me.

I think these nights are often fuelled by drink and peer pressure. It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that his judgement was impaired and he was trying to save face. Not brilliant, but human.

It's totally OK for you to be upset though and totally OK for you to have whatever boundaries are right for you around this sort of thing.

Honestly I wouldn't turn a hair if this happened at my DPs stag do but everyone has different expectations. Had you spoken about the fact this might happen beforehand?

I told him I wanted to know exactly what happened. So he told me.
Firstly I assumed it was seated position, and definitely not fully nude. Just so gross.

@Thisnamechanger thanks for your input. Good to hear both opinions :)

Did he get an erection? Did you ask him that?

If it’s good for him to do it, you do it too.

Arrange a night with the girls to go to a male stripper place that does private dances. Tell soon to be H beforehand and get a few dances.

The next day tell him everything that happened and how huge they were.

I actually wouldn’t be bothered by this, what sad creatures men are sometimes.
Yes he could have stopped it, yes it’s a horrible mental image, but at least he’s talked to you about it. I suppose it depends what boundaries he was aware you had before. My Dh’s ‘friends’ paid for a dominatrix stripper on a stage, she whipped him and bit him, the friends had to stop her!

He reckons he didn't. And he told the best man that she wasn't a patch on me, body wise. But she was about bloody 15 years younger than me!!

I'd ask him how he would feel about you doing exactly what she did to him but with a random guy you met on a night out.

I would be really unhappy with this! However every relationship dynamic is different but I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget either.

I don't understand how he didn't think it would be full on though

If it was a 'public dance with his mates etc. I wouldn't have felt like this. It's because it was in a private room.
I've just bloody washed and ironed the offending clothing. To think some other women's vulva has been on it.

To be honest, I can see him being pushed into it by his mates - but once he was in the private room, and no one else knew what was happening, he could have told her he wasn't interested and waited the song out. I'm assuming she didn't rugby tackle him to the floor? So he lay down there of his own accord. And then chose to lay there while she did her thing.

Even taking peer pressure into account, he made a lot of choices to continue, when he could have stopped it. I'm really sorry OP, what an awful thing to have to deal with before your wedding. I can't imagine what I would do in this scenario.

I don't think he had a second to think it thru. To be fair to him. It was all organised.

I am trying to be logical but keep getting these images

Everyone has their own boundaries.
I wouldn't have married my DH if he'd done that, and if I'd done the same with a male stripper he wouldn't have married me either.
Did he know how you would feel about it?

Well she isn't going to last very long in that job if the men she 'dances' for aren't getting erections, is she? I mean, the whole point is that it's sexually arousing...