Private lap dance :(

[downupdown]

Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

I don't think he had a second to think it thru

Maybe not initially, but he had the duration of the experience to 'feel terrible' and remove himself from the situation.

He chose to go into that private room to have a sexual experience with that woman. He cheated.

I wouldn’t marry a man who would do this.

I know, let's go and celebrate my planned and desired marriage to my sole partner whom I love and respect by paying a stranger to perform sexually for me.

Seriously?

I wouldn't be getting married.

@CampfiresAndBeer that's the thing isn't it!
He said only 3 mins and she hassled him to have another. But I know there is no way he would spend £40 of his own money lol

And he told the best man that she wasn't a patch on me, body wise

Urgh, how grim. Like his mates judging your body against hers is supposed to make it better.

And no way would I have washed the clothes. They’d be in a bin bag along with the rest of his shit.

Honestly lovely - have more self-respect. He’s done a fucking hideous thing. And you’re washing the clothes he wore whilst doing it? You are worth SO much more than that.

Also be aware that he won’t have told you everything.

@ShowOfHands I know. What a way to celebrate.
It's not like I don't put out. I keep myself looking good as well. Tbh this is for myself though

None of us can tell you how to feel or react to this OP. As you can see from previous posts, everyone has a different boundary.

From my experience (as DH had similar on his stag do) - I had always said it didn't bother me as long as it wasn't his money. So his friends arranged it and I was curious and asked what happened. It wasn't the topless dance while he sat in a chair (with a bit of distance between them) that I imagined.

It upset me massively. But I couldn't blame him because neither of us knew what it entailed and I had said I didnt mind.

We have learned from it. Strip clubs are a hard line for me now. He can go to them or he can be married to me. He will he choosing to upset me and risk our whole relationship if he goes to one now and he understands completely.

You know your DH to be better than any of us. Is he likely to want to to go again? Is he sorry? Does he fully understand why you're upset?

I am off out with the DC. Really appreciate all your input x

@FranklySonImTheGaffer

There's no way he would go. He doesn't really go out drinking much anyway. He is pretty upset and says he has a lot to lose.

Thank you x

I couldn't put up with this. I'm so sorry, OP, but I would leave him over this.

If you're not sure how you feel then you might well be wise to at least postpone your wedding until you are.

Disgusting behaviour!!

I used to be ok with strip clubs and think it was no big deal. But when you actually think about it, it is fucking horrendous and the sheer fact that some men organise this right before getting married shows exactly what they think of women and you as a whole person. They think they are entitled to it, they are doing the ultimste sacrifice for you, by saying they will only fuck you from now on. Oh what brave, brave men. People will tell you its harmless and mens stuff, they can't help it. They can.

The majority don't give a fuck that you are at home sweating about it weeks prior.
They don't pass the thought to the mental images you will have (fully described by them or not).
They dont give a fuck that they leave their wives at home with their baby girls, toddlers and teens - who they woukd really strangely be horrified if they grew up to strip.
They don't give a fuck what their partners think, full stop.

Do you want to marry a man who couldn't tell his mates no? Who couldn't stop the dance? It sounds like he is ashamed and he should be.

Oh OP I think I would feel the same. It's just horrible. If she's roughly 15 years younger I guess that would put you/him mid 30s ish, assuming no huge age gap? So he's hardly an immature 19 year old being egged on by his mates is he? I would have hoped he would have refused the private dance and said let's just have a few beers and a laugh guys. Disappointing he couldn't resist either the peer pressure or the temptation.

The only opinion that matters here is yours OP.

Disappointing. I would hate this but I've no idea how I would deal with it, he made a very poor choice to lie down and go with it.

It wouldn't bother me at all because I know that DH wouldn't see it as anything other than going along with his mate but I also know that he would have the strength to say no if he didn't want to do it.

He'd be more bothered by the potential that women are forced to work there and likely decline on that basis alone.

When is the wedding, OP?

I am an exceptional case in that I would see the funny side of it and tease my husband for being a dirty old man. For me, it doesn't bother me as I know he wouldn't be doing anything with her. If it's just a dance, I don't see anything wrong with it similar to when all the hen parties go to those (grim) Dreamboy shows.

I appreciate it is your view on it though. If you feel hurt, you need to let him know so you can discuss it. Did you ever talk beforehand that strippers were an absolute no for you?

You could tell him you want time to think it over. There is no point going ahead with marriage if you have this "stuck" in your head, but on the other hand if you are comfortable with it then no point losing the guy you have chosen either.

If I were you I would wonder what else he'd do on another night out, say if he was out for work abroad. If you can forgive and forgive then do that - if not tell him you think he wouldn't get over someone rubbing their cock up your clothes whilst you were underneath. That'll make it clear to him. Sorry OP.

On his stag do, pushed into it by his mates, maybe inhibitions and common sense reduced by heavy alcohol consumption... personally I would accept it. Purely as a one off and on the very clear understanding that it could never happen again. However, if your personal boundaries are different and you can't accept it, then that's entirely your right to say so. We all have different tolerance levels and that doesn't make one person's right and another's wrong.

Did you have a discussion about expectations and acceptable/unacceptable behaviour beforehand?