Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

Im shocked that the stripper had a vulva out! That would be the deal breaker for me!

I just assumed boobs out and a bit of dancing/wriggling around!

I think many women assume similar and that is why there is so much acceptance of it.

Did you discuss this before he went, and did he know how you felt about it.
I don't agree with lap dancers, but he could have walked out, not gone in the first place.
Also, it's pretty obvious that many stag parties end up in these places, my ds wouldn't have one for this reason.
I know my dil made it clear it was a no go.

Having been with a 'mates pleaser' type in the past I have little respect for someone who can't assert their own boundaries with mates it's pretty pathetic so that would definitely make me see him different.
Only you know how you feel and what action if any, you'd like to take.

Bin there did that sort of thing, meant nowt forgotton about many years ago and during the long marridge afterwards hardley looked at another woman.

Any MN menbers do or done this stripper job?.

I’d lose a lot of respect for my DH if he did this . Either a) he wanted to or, b) his mates pressured him and he couldn’t say no? Either way I’d struggle to fancy him after such behaviorist.

*behaviour

With all due respect, Justaboy, I've read many of you posts since you first joined and you're hardly the poster boy for Women's Lib...

Strangely enough, this isn't about the man's reaction to getting a private dance, it's about the woman's.

Justaboy I could go ask my regular dancer this week to register and post on this thread if that counts.

I highly highly doubt she had her vulva out. Again, there are very strict club rules.

Maybe, but I doubt the OP's fiance is going to make it sound worse than it was!

Op don't get carried away. You're angry, you have every right to be. I was fuming when my dh did this on someone else's stag do, it really hurt. But we have been together two decades now and are very happy. He made a mistake and whether you can get past it and move on is for you to decide, not the posters on here. I have known many friends in your situation and every man I have heard about has tried to lie/ minimise/ worm his way out of it. So your dp is honest at least. Sorry you are experiencing this, I know how horrible it is

Everyone is different obviously but this wouldn't be the end of a relationship for me. Especially as he seems just as upset as you by it

I am surprised so many people class this is as cheating

None of us can really tell the OP what to do because in my opinion staying with him or leaving him would both be acceptable. Some couples don't mind this sort of thing happening on stag and hen parties, others feel differently.

Perhaps OP should challenge her partner and ask how he would feel if she got a male stripper? And then say that she's going to do that at the weekend (she doesn't need to go through with it, just threaten to do it and see his reaction).

Would personally leave my DH over this..

I personally don’t see a lap dance on a stag do as cheating! It’s a stag do it wasn’t that he was there on his lunch break, I do get that it’s hurtful to know he looked at another woman in this way but if he is a good man to you generally is this is out of character for him then I wouldn’t see it as a big deal.

It doesn't matter what a woman who is employed to strip thinks. It's about what the OP thinks and how she feels about her boyfriend now she knows more about him and what he chooses to do. No one here can tell her what to do as a result, only how they feel about it.

Your feelings are valid and you should listen to them. Don't let anyone tell you you're overreacting - they're not the ones marrying him. You can't be with someone you don't trust and respect, and only you can decide if this has destroyed those feelings.

@Handsoffmysweets she said the woman was only wearing hold ups and a suspender belt. So quite how that might cover her vulva is a mystery.

Why do men do this to each other? Surely they know it is going to cause trouble. It's totally disrespectful to the grooms other half, and most of them will be friends with her. That would make me more angry than the actual lap dance.

Personally I wouldn't be happy about it but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. We would probably laugh about it after a while. I think the fact that he was honest about it with you says a lot about him and your relationship. I'd give his friends a piece of my mind and then move on.

Op
What are you doing for your hen do?
Will you be so pissed that you will go along with anything ?
Will you let a gorgeous naked man take you into a private sex room lay on top of you and get you all horney?
If yes then you have nothing to worry about with your dp.
If no then you have problems.
It's about your feelings and boundaries.
I also so do believe that she didn't turn him on and wasn't fit and gorgeous.
Is he seriously expecting you to think his mates paid for some rough looking unattractive woman to perform a sex dance?
God that would piss me off the most , him assuming that you are thick.

I went to a strip club for my hen do and had a private dance. She was completely naked so that does definitely happen. It does depend on the club though.

My husband didn't care in the slightest. But to be fair, he always knew it was going to happen, and it wasn't like it was a surprise. And I always knew it didn't bother him. I was a performer so he knows it doesn't mean anything and it's just a performance.

I don't really understand the strip clubs are ok, but dances aren't view. The girls don't actually get paid unless for private dances. I find the idea of a group of men watching them on stage for free far worse, than actually paying them for their work. If my husband went to a strip club for a stag do, I would ask him to (or if he didn't want to, pay for his friend to).