Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

I don't see anything wrong with it similar to when all the hen parties go to those (grim) Dreamboy shows.

If there's nothing wrong with it, why are you describing the Dreamboy shows as 'grim'?

I am an exceptional case in that I would see the funny side

Same - but seems we are v.much in the minority.

Did you ever talk beforehand that strippers were an absolute no for you?

Perhaps this is the issue. I guess for some people going to a strip club on a stag is so obviously a 'no' they don't feel the need to point it out (and I guess likewise for some it's probably so obviously the 'done thing' that they don't realise the damage they're doing!). Communication is key with stuff like this is guess.

The fact he told you means he was uncomfortable, forgive him, it's his mates fault

I'd see it as a cheating, with the added indignity that he's supporting an industry which objectifies women and is potentially tied up with trafficking/exploitation of vulnerable people.

He didn’t get an erection? Well, in the famous words of Mandy Rice-Davies, ‘he would say that, wouldn’t he?’

Of course he could have said no. He could have said no to going to the club, and no to the private dance. It is pathetic to suggest that men are incapable of saying no to their mates.

The comment about her body compared to yours to his mate would sicken me and I think I'd be unable to be around those mates without feeling sickened and angry.

I know what I'd do, but it's up to you as to how much it upsets you. I couldn't look at him the same way.

I might be in a minority here.

However, if he was under the influence of alcohol/drugs and got carried away with events I would not this stop me being in a relationship with him.

Everyone out there like to think their significant other wouldn’t do such a thing but you’d be surprised how many do. I’m not saying it’s right though!!

I don’t have any sympathy for the apparent lack of time to think about it, or the peer pressure argument.

My xh had his faults but one of his mates booked a stripper for his stag do, he was horrified and got up and left until she was gone. I know because my brother was there.

I’m so sorry OP

Organised or not he could have said no and left

It doesn’t need to be the end, he no doubt was pushed into it by his mates, probably very drunk. He told you, he’s being honest and with communication I’m sure you can work through it.
I’m not condoning it but it’s happened it’s how you move forward that counts

Op honestly dust it off and look forward to your big day. My husband had a private dance on his stag, he told me straight away and I wasn't phased atall. The majority of men feel so uncomfortable in those private situations, they can't touch and most of the women doing the dancing intimidate them with their confidence. He was honest and didn't keep it a secret so don't dwell on it, otherwise his mates will enjoy that!

I would be annoyed with him for not having the balls to say ‘thanks, but no thanks love’ to the stripper once he was in the private room. Or for not saying to his mates that he’d rather go to a normal pub. It was a bit naive/weak of him to go along with it if it’s not his scene. After all, what did he think was going to happen in a place where women are paid to take off their clothes and fake interest in men for money? My DH made it clear at his stag that any sign of a sex worker or stripper and he would be off home. Luckily all his mates are like minded and they stuck to boozing, singing and generally being immature on the various stag weekends (and many subsequent golf/fishing/rugby trips).

Apart from being a bit soft to go along with this, if he is otherwise a good guy and this was definitely a one off I would be inclined to let it go. Only you know if that’s the case OP.

He could have refused it. A decent man would have.

My dh would never go along with it just because twatty idiots paid for it. He’d have more respect and would never objectify women.

I wouldn’t be marrying this fool.

@downupdown Im sure you are going through all sorts of feelings at the moment and that is going to be very confusing. Try and do something to distract yourself from the thoughts you are having and set aside some time to think about it later and to talk about it with your partner if you can. If you need to take to someone else, see a counsellor, perhaps through relate or similar etc. Its not really important what others here would do in your situation its what you need that is important.

Oddly enough I've never seen any stag parties at the club I go to.

Personally I don't think there is a right answer here. I know that some couples think of stag and hen nights as a last night of fun, to "get it out of your system" before settling down. So they say that the other person can do whatever they want that night, but anything after that will be considered cheating. Other couples are more traditional and just don't want anything going on on the stag/hen at all.And both of those are perfectly acceptable, it's all about what the couple is happy with. OP does he know or could he have guessed you wouldn't be happy with him getting a dance or have you never voiced objections to that kind of thing?

I am actually ok with strippers etc (for an event like stag do, not just a random Saturday), but the thought of a private room really sickens me.

Even though it's horrible to imagine and your fiancé got caught up with the expected stag antics he at least told you the truth. Yeah I would be pissed off about it but I wouldn't call the wedding off over it. Trust your gut your know when a line has been crossed but for me I would eventually get over it but not a lot of people could.

Im shocked that the stripper had a vulva out! That would be the deal breaker for me!

I just assumed boobs out and a bit of dancing/wriggling around!

How grim to have another woman's naked genitals straddling.

Awful. OP i struggled knowing my dh went to a strip club and he didn't get a private dance. Mind the drunken state he was in with his mates made me feel sorry for the poor dancers and what sorry states they have to dance and gyrate on for money.

Should be banned.

I think it’s because at some of those things campfire they get women to lick cream off them and rub baby oil on their chests

Yes, I know...

But I fail to see how someone would think that is 'grim' and say they 'don't see anything wrong' with someone simulating sex and rubbing their naked genitals over someone. Whilst also saying they are 'similar'

It is different for everyone, OP. i just hate that for many, many women we are supposed to just put up with it, to 'calm down its just...' there's no discussion about it, or very little.

Men who say 'i dont want it but my mates organised it not me, i cant say no to them' would rather please/respect their mates wishes than their soon to be wife and her needs and expectations. It baffles me.

So many women either haven't thought about it enough or discussed it enough/at all with partner. Or many of those that do get shut down. Their partners still go and essentially, dont care or even slightly question themselves. We are made to feel we should be accomodating and not cause a fuss.

Sorry to rant OP. But i am incensed by the sheer selfishness of the situation you and so many women get put in by men that are supposed to have put you and your happiness before all others. Baffling.

You have a right to be annoyed but ending things is a bit much. Especially as you don’t mind the fact that he was there in the first place.

That is the question to ask him: "If my friends had paid for a male stripper to give me a private dance and rubbed his penis all over me and been in my face essentially naked, would you be happy with that? Would you still want to marry me? Because that's where I am in my head right now ... wondering about the incredible lack of respect for me a to have done that. Not to mention the issues with women who feel forced to work in this manner, and many do."

And even if it was organised, at any point he could have walked out and said no/no more

Meh. If you want a load of women telling you how awful he is and to LTB you'll get it here. But it's up to you OP. He came clean. He said he felt bad. It's all well and good to say he could have walked out but most people wouldn't especially if a bit stunned by it all. Sober the next morning is a very different perspective. Personally I'd let it go but if you can't you need to end it and be honest. But don't go ahead and beat him round the head with it at every chance. Either make your peace and move forward or don't .