Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

@AvengersAssemble in your opinion. Which isn't the only possible one. It's up to the OP whether she considers it cheating. Many women do, which is totally valid. And many women wouldn't dream of having a stripper at their hen do.

It isn't just what stags do. Many many stag events don't involve anything like this at all. Stop trying to minimise and excuse this. This man made a choice.

@Handsoffmysweets in your other reply was that mean to be STimulating or Simulating 😆

Get a grip folks, he has not cheated. It was his stag night, this is the kind of stunts stags do. No different to woman having strippers on their hen do.

a) a lot of people do consider it to be cheating and they are entitled to draw their boundaries wherever they like.

b) and women are entitled to say that the do not want to be with a man who chooses to spend his stag night like this - not all do. Neither my brother, my ex husband or any of their friends went to strip clubs or had private dances on their stag dos.

c) a lot of women would consider it tasteless to have strippers at their hen dos too and, therefore, wouldn't.

HTH

Lap dances by themselves aren't pathetic downupdown, several of us on this thread have had them in the past. The issue is that he's in a relationship with you and got a dance, without maybe stopping to think how you would feel about it. If you're single that's not an issue but in a relationship you have to consider the other persons views. Personally I think you could forgive him for this and you could both stay together, but it is up to you. If you stay, lay down ground rules to prevent this happening again. It's very likely he will be out with his mates again at some point so make it clear if they are going to a strip club he says that he can't go.

Lots of different views on here. I'm not sure how I'd feel to be honest. Well, obviously disgusted, but I don't know if it would be enough to call off the wedding. I also wonder if many saying here they would end it truly would in your shoes. Very easy to be outraged when it's not your marriage/future on the line.

Is it game over for you?

Pls don't think I am a prude or anything. I am actually very open person and love things like Burlesque (have been to a few shows!) and can appreciate women's body's, the beauty etc. So this isn't because I'm sheltered or prudish.

Why are people questioning the ops version of events.
Likewise I don't know why people are shocked that a woman was wearing nothing but stockings and a suspended belt in this situation.
Do you think she would be wearing a baggy shirt, trousers and a face veil?
Sex workers do whatever is necessary to earn money.

Op you need to question how your dp would feel if your friends got you pissed, you then agreed to go to a sex club, they paid for a man to take you somewhere private and gyrate his naked body across you a woman and you admitted to going along with it.
Then told your dp not to worry cos even though this young man is a paid sex worker (so obviously keeps his body in too top cobdition) he wasn't a patch on dp!
If you insist that you would not go along with it then there is your answer. You have widely differing g views on this and your thoughts are not compatable.

@LaughingCow99 I am hurt and massively disappointed, and makes me feel disgusted. But he's never done anything like this before and never let me down, not once. And always treated me with upmost respect. So it's very out of the ordinary.

I imagine men who happily visit strip clubs are quite likely to visit prostitutes at some point.
It's not like they have respect for women generally so it's not beyond the realms of reality is it.

I've been to two hen parties with strippers - in both cases the stripper was bollix naked by the end of the performance.
Obviously you need to decide where to draw your own personal boundary - but I'm guessing his stripper experience was meant to be a bit of fun on his stag and nothing more. Obviously it wasn't even that fun for him.
I fail to see why there are hoards of people saying LTB for this as it seems OTT for me.
But as I said - everyone has to draw their own boundaries - for me it wouldn't be a big deal.

all the hen parties go to those (grim) Dreamboy shows.

They don't take individual women into private booths of rooms and rub/,grind all over them (and whatever else) naked, do they?

If anything at that level of intimacy happens,bits because the woman and make stripper have swapped numbers and arranged to meet outside the show.

Not in the same ballpark - league - universe - whatever.

He and the best man discussed your body versus hers afterwards? Nice. Comparing the fiancée to the wretched youngster who’s simulating sex acts to pay the bills. Bravo.

Only you can decide what to do OP but I agree with a PP that if you decide to forgive him and get married, you genuinely have to forgive - you can’t be festering and bringing it up every time you argue in future. If that seems impossible then you should call off the wedding.

It depends on what your boundaries are. Back in the day, I used to take clients to Stringfellows regularly and the boys would buy me lap dances for fun. I am sure my husband has done similar, though probably not recently, albeit I wouldn't care if it did.
I have no problem with it.

Why are people questioning the ops version of events.
Likewise I don't know why people are shocked that a woman was wearing nothing but stockings and a suspended belt in this situation.

Yeah the naivety about strip clubs is incredible.

Private dances are naked (or as close to, with woman wearing whatever she feels is flattering or sexy without detracting from the nakedness.

Even table dances can be naked. At plenty of clubs the woman removes everything except knickers until end of dance and then pulls them down to knees. Or takes them off for end of dance.

Both private dances, booth dances and even table dances can have some level of contact. That's why it's lapdancing. But private is guaranteed contact or grinding in lap and whatever else dancer chooses to do.

This varies across clubs.

Eastern European clubs, I'm reliably told by men who've been in them, offer full sexual services, as do some in the Canary Islands and some other lads holiday spots.

I don't think I'd consider it cheating if my h2b had a private lap dance. In hindsight it would have been good to have discussed boundaries before he had his stag and you your hen.

I would, I think, be gutted that he seemingly thinks so little of women that he can buy "the rights to" her body for 10 minutes. Obviously there are strict rules, but from a feminism perspective, the stripping and lap dance industry is at best problematic. I'm not too sure I'd want to marry a man who would go along with that. I'd also raise an eyebrow at the men whose company he keeps, and whoever organised it.

Then again, if otherwise wonderful, I think I could forgive a lap dance on his stag do without much further thought.

You've got to do what is right for you.

Tbh my DH did this on his stag do. It seems to be fairly standard, didn’t really bother me at all.

But if Your DH went ahead and knew it would bother you he’s behaved like a prat. Is it worth stressing over though, is everything else good?

And he told the best man that she wasn't a patch on me, body wise

And would it make a difference to you if he hadn't said this?

I can't see that this makes any difference at all, if I'm honest with you.

I am so against strip clubs, I do see it as glorified cheating & my DH knows this. As this was a one off, he says he regrets it and you never discussed these boundary’s before he went on his stag do, I’d forgive him this once. I would tell him that it’s an absolute no in the future and you won’t be so forgiving next time. I really do despise Strip clubs OP, I hate that so many stag dos are centred around them. All this ‘it’s a performance’ crap. What man is watching it as a performance, they’re getting off on it else what would be the point?!

I wouldn't consider it cheating but it's grim, seedy, disrespectful and feeds into an industry built on trafficked and abused women.
If it felt genuinely out of character then I'd be struggling with what to do next. I'd have serious reservations about his self control, his view of women and his friendship group.
And I'd be pissed off that instead of pulling together, organising the wedding, he's done something that pushes you further apart.

My husband did that... his body’s under the floorboards

I wouldn't say it's cheating. I went with my husband and we both had a private dance. To be fair I laughed all the way through. My husband was more interested in my reaction than her.

I have heard much worse things people have done on there stag nights and there poor wives are still none the wiser

I’m in the camp of it’s not cheating. Firstly, he didn’t arrange it and pay for it. Secondly, he told you. It sounds as if he was caught on the hop and railroaded into it by his mates.

My DH’s mates booked a stripper for him on his stag night and he told me all about it. He felt hugely uncomfortable about it and really did NOT enjoy it. (He did quite enjoy Amsterdam on a mate’s stag weekend some years later ). But again, he told me all about it.

One of DH’s friends was on the same Amsterdam trip and told his wife nothing. He lied when she asked and said they hadn’t gone to any clubs at all.

So for me, it wouldn’t be what happened on his stag night but whether he arranged & paid for it - and, most importantly, whether he kept it from you. Also, what is he like the rest of the time.

Only you know what he’s usually like and how much you value his honesty vs whether you cannot get past this and know in your heart of hearts whether you can marry him.

@Handsofdmysweets would have thought Platinum Lace was a pretty standard club as strip club goes?

They might get sacked if that's the rule of that club, as they do have different rules. But that certainly wasn't the rule at the Platinum Lace we were in. I saw everything.

The girls weren't desperate. For 3 of us to have a private dance with one of the girls was £20 each (so total of £60) for 10mins. Yes, she would have had to give a lot in house fees etc. But that doesn't mean they get paid for anything other than private dances. Their dancing on the main stage is just their advertising to get you to spend on private dances, they don't get paid for that main stage dancing.

I really feel for you, op. It's clear this is out of character and that must make it even more difficult to digest.

I have seen quite a few similar threads like this on here. I always find myself as equally disgusted with the friends that organise a surprise visit to a lap dance club. Knowing full well the stag will be put in an awkward position of refusing and being told he's a wimp/ under the thumb, or going along with it knowing he will feel like shit for cheating and knowing the friends always have that over him to taunt with.

I personally find the whole thing so seedy and desperate, but I would I dump the love of my life over it? I don't think I would. Then again, unless I'm in the situation it us really hard to know. It's all just do sad and unfair that you are in pain when you did nothing wrong.

I'm sure there are many people that do similar on stag nights and their partners will never be any wiser. Maybe ignorance in bliss.

If you do a search on here there are lots of similar stories on here, sadly. Maybe you can get some support from reading them.

Again, I'm sorry you are going thtough this :(

Get a grip folks, he has not cheated. It was his stag night, this is the kind of stunts stags do. No different to woman having strippers on their hen do

What? When did a Hen Party ever go to a strip club, where all the strippers were male? Where the men took women in to private rooms, lay them on the floor, and then got completely naked and rubbed their penises all over the women's bodies? Places like that don't even exist.

I had a stripper on my hen do. He was dressed in a Sailors uniform, and he only stripped down to his pants. He did not touch me. He did not expose his genitals.

It is not the same thing. AT ALL.