Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

God he’s a tedious twat.
Make your dream a reality and dump him.

You don't have to stay with him, just because some other people who don't really know him have decided he's wonderful (based on what he's told them). He strikes me as interfering in things when he wants to , getting it all wrong then getting annoyed because you have to go behind him, rectifying things. Actually, a bit like my Soon to be EXH
Your subconscious might be trying to tell you something. Don't buy into his self-publicising shit - he actually doesn't sound very nice.

Maybe I should add that two other things I've asked him repeatedly not to do is to leave the kids unsupervised in the bath whilst he cleans the (adjoining room) kitchen. And give the eldest Diet Coke when I'm not around. He also only puts them in the bath when I've asked for a nap and I'm fairly sure it's because then he isn't directly interacting with them.
He also really doesn't want to do family days or trips. He is fine with staying at home all Easter holidays whilst the kids drive each other and me crazy. I had to really try to get him to come on a free Easter egg hunt yesterday! He enjoyed it when he was there but he would rather be at home ignoring the kids and either cleaning or watching videos about his hobby on YouTube.
I just feel so deflated and ungrateful when I hear what some of my Mum friends put up with!!!!

Do you want him to change or do you want to be rid of him? Either way, you may have to brace yourself for a serious 'talk ' with him, but with no empty threats.

@megrichardson self publicising is right! I cringe when we hang out with other parents because he says things like "you've got it lucky eh happierasleep! You'll have to share all your wife secrets with the other mums!" Etc etc. It's really odd and for some reason makes me feel shit. Like I don't appreciate him.

I honestly don't know. He goes away with Work for months at a time but has been at home for a while- so I'm perfectly fine with doing it all myself. He won't change I don't think, he thinks he's perfect and I'm lucky to be with him.

He's saying it on purpose to make you feel inadequate and that makes him a twat and nasty, too. Do you sometimes think you'd rather just get on and clean the house, etc yourself if it meant you didn't have to endure his comments all the time?

I used to have dreams about leaving my DH...
his behaviour incidentally was very much like yours , he was very lazy 😬
He is now an EX and life is so much better ....

cross posted with you!

Oh and leaving kids unsupervised in the bath is a no no ..
This is non negotiable ... lazy and putting their life at risk... wherever you go with this .. that needs to stop immediately ..

Good luck

Oh god maybe I am a total bitch. He's just brought me breakfast in bed. When I asked him why he said (a la M&S advert) "because I don't do just lie ins- I do Mr happierasleep lie ins".
I'm a cow. Although he must know he messed up this morning after weeks of talking about the inequality in the mornings.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Your subconscious mind is certainly trying to tell you something.

It also sounds like he is practising strategic incompetence; i.e. doing a task at home so badly with the aim that you never ask him to do this again. His hobby (may I ask what this is) and maintaining his image of being a great husband to you outside the home are far more important to him.

Why are you together?. If anyone is an ungrateful brat here its your husband, certainly not you. Why would you at all describe yourself as such?. Is that what he has implied, that you are ungrateful?.

I do think that you need to disabuse him of the notion that you're somehow the luckiest woman alive because he did you the honour of marrying you.

Now he is being "nice" to you by bringing you breakfast in bed. And no you are not being a total bitch, this is all part of his campaign of undermining you.

also, the old strategy of realising that you've gone too far and then doing one thing nice does not cancel out all the not very nice things he does.

agreed, Meerkat

I do feel undermined but I can't put my finger on why. And I agree that one nice thing doesn't cancel out the rest. But he is trying.

And the bath issue is a big one- I don't really nap now when I get the chance- I have one ear open for the sound of running water and then I get up!

He doesn't directly imply I'm ungrateful, it's more throwaway comments about how I'm lucky, said in a jokey way, but often in public.
I'm quite a feminist and really believe in equal sharing of the mental load and leaving him to do his share in whatever way he sees fit. He thinks that makes us/him special and unusual which I guess we are but that just makes me sad not proud!

He knows that he’s not great hence the silly digs. My dh does this.

I’ve clearly pointed out things like it’s his family too and he needs to complete jobs not do them half arsed (eg washing and rubbish dump). I’ve also explained about lie ins and how they’re not lie ins if I am disturbed.

I’ve done this both at the time and in separate conversations.

He’s slowly getting it and will now put the washing away, I get more lie ins (although some of that is because the kids are older).

He basically needs to snap out of the idea that you should be a grateful housewife type - I wonder if that’s a produce of his upbringing. I could be projecting - my DH’s Mum was a SAHM forever and did absolutely everything for all the dcs. So in DH’s Head, the woman does the house/wife work and any of that he does is absolutely amazing.

However he doesn’t notice that I actually earn money as well!

I would have a big serious discussion with him about things. Keep it specific to certain incidents so he can’t wriggle away. And it doesn’t matter how other husbands are - it’s not about them. It’s about him.

His dad didn't do a thing around the house, his mum did 100% of the house Work, childcare and worked a full time job. His dad didn't really do anything and played golf a lot. DH has gone fairly LC with his dad recently and we haven't heard from him since before Christmas- not that he kept in much contact anyway!

He won't change I don't think, he thinks he's perfect and I'm lucky to be with him.
He isn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination and you are not lucky to have him and you know that, I’m sure he does too. So he is gaslighting you by telling you this and in front of others too.

The things that stand out to me are :
You have to beg for a lie in and even then you don’t get one and he says “don’t start” if you try to talk about it so he’s shutting you down. Does he do this in other areas?
He won’t spend leisure time with his
Dc- he is not a good dad as you stated.
He is leaving them unsupervised in the bath: this is dangerous. How old were the dc when he started doing this?

It’s all in your hands now you whether to continue to put up with his inconsideration of you and your feelings or you separated.
Would you go and see a counsellor and talk through all this with them? It might help to clarify your thought.

Yes he will just shut me down and say I'm "going off on one" or "yes yes I get it ok!" Or "just drop it will you".

The bath, Diet Coke and lie in incidents are the type of thing most likely to get shut down- the ones I can't sort out myself by getting a cleaner/sitter etc. I try not to nag and will just have a battle of wills about jobs he has said he will do but when it comes to the above I can't afford to do that!

Dont let him shut you down. He can’t stop you talking.

I used to keep going with dh - otherwise the resentment built up. I told him that I resented it and he listened a lot more.

And baths have been at times unsupervised since the DC were 2&4. I've taught the eldest to shout up to me and her dad that no one is watching them. It means that I don't nap much now and I bath them myself. He also has only done the eldests reading book twice this whole academic year. And no maths or other homework either.

I ruined my life my making excuses for a selfish bastard of a husband. A bit like yours - thought he was great because he did some housework. A bit like you, I kept saying 'oh but he's trying' - even though the trying never resulted in anything but minor and temporary changes.

You matter too. And you certainly matter enough not to have to settle for 'not completely crap husband'.

You are in the fortunate position to have your own income. And you know you can manage on your own.

I wish to God I could go back to that same stage in my life and have left him then.

So my advice is, end it and go.