Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

Hi, @happierasleep, how are you today?

I wrote a message earlier, which seems to have vanished.
I will try and write it again but very importantly, I wanted to know how you are doing.

I know this is a very difficult time for you. So many thoughts jumbling for space at the front..moments of surreality...loads of different emotions as you come to certain realisations.
I just wanted to tell you that those will all settle down..with time. There is absolutely no rush. Sort out things you feel are niggling you the most e.g like the car loan.
As time passes and you are getting things sorted...this state of being buffeted will calm down and your thoughts will become clearer. Then you can start decision making. You need to be convinced within yourself whichever way you decide to go. When you have conviction, it becomes clearer what actions to take.
It seems I have written the message after all.
I hope you are okay. Feel free to come here and let it out..we are here to listen and support you.

I’m here, I’m reading and thinking a lot.
You are all so so right about my thoughts being tangled. It’s good to know that the debts will be considered joint if we split.
Which I think sadly we will. I’m focusing on trying to get myself out of debt whilst saving (mad logic I know). I can move the credit card to a 0% for a year so that buys me some breathing space. I really want to see his bank accounts to see if he really doesn’t have any money or whether that’s a lie too. I’ve got no way of doing that though. I’m keeping notes of the lies too. That makes me feel calmer.
Thing is, we seem to be in a good place again, we spent last night laughing and dancing in the kitchen. It was lovely. It’s just hard to think of him as some master manipulator when he’s really not malicious with it.
We are about on par intelligence wise, he’s not thick but he doesn’t get a lot in terms of emotional intelligence/parenting instincts. I’m not going to keep “helping” him to contribute in our talks because I do feel that he latches onto whatever I say/suggest might be wrong and just goes with it. I need to build myself up, mentally and financially and see where I am then. I feel like a veil has been lifted and there’s no putting it back down.

Whilst your in a good place that's the time to ask him if he can up his contribution or start paying off more of the loans. From now on don't pay for holidays well anything ask him, if he says no make it his problem to buy new school uniform etc.

If he manages then it's likely he has more disposable income than he has let on.

Do you claim tact credits? You need his P60 to fill in the renewal from that you can look up his net income.

Yep, while he's being nice, get him to up his contributions.