Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

So that sounds like he's realised you mean business and he's begrudgingly made a half-assed acknowledgement of the serious concern. You are very wise to be thinking about your next steps.

Exactly @kbPOW it's a wait and see game at this point. In regards to the bath issue. If there is even one more time that he doesn't supervise them or minimalises my stance on it then I will be making quick plans to leave and not allowing myself to be "off duty" if he is looking after the DCs.

This is aside from the other issues. I'm actually considering buying the medals mentioned up thread! I will deffo be doing the clapping and whooping when he makes his statements about me being lucky etc.

I want him to know I value and appreciate his contribution but I want it to be because he is a team player in our "family team" not because it makes him look good!

I'm also going to talk to my mum friends in rl about all this- I agree with PP that actually they probably want to roll their eyes at him (and me by association!) so that we are all on the same level about it all. Right now I feel there is a potential disconnect between how he portrays us and how I am when we talk without our partners there.

The issue with leaving them unattended in the bath is a very serious one isn't it? Little children could potentially drown. I do get your issues with the other problem too. Using the dryer when you could use the line seems lazy and wasteful to me. Why don't you show these posts you've written to your husband? Or rewrite them a bit if you're worried about him finding them on here and matching them to you.

I have only read the first page of answers but You don't get to express yourself in any way in this marriage do you OP.
I suspect you have been controlled and gaslighted for years and you are only just waking up to it and that is why you are confused. It's not as full on as a lot of gaslighting behaviours but it's enough that he gets to do only what he wants to do and no more.
He sounds fucking awful. You have no room to bloom and move ahead as a person. He is keeping you as a bonsai version by restricting your roots and your sunlight is the only way I can describe it at this time in the morning. No wonder you are rebelling when awake and asleep. Go find the man in your dream!

OK so I've read some more. You have copped on to him now OP and he knows that. Things will change now anyway but I doubt for the good sadly.

I can't for one second imagine he has anyone fooled with the 'perfect husband' routine. Everyone will think of him as a bit of a knobber I'm sure. I suspect that if please let it be when you leave they will all heave a sigh of relief and wonder why you didn't see it before.
I would be out the door over the bathtime thing alone quite honestly.

Leaving the kids alone in the bath is significant parental neglect of the kids. I suspect there's a bit of intentional emotional abuse and controlling behaviour towards you in there, too. Now you won't have an extra sleep, will you?

Telling the kids you will run off and leave them and Daddy alone is both parental alienation and emotional abuse of all of you.

You need to start a diary, incidents, fully described, dates and times. Keep it in a safe place. Believe me when I say that you will need this for both divorce proceedings and for child arrangements proceedings.

Keep the diary somewhere safe that he cannot access it, like a safe deposit box. You can write down the incidents, each time, then go and deposit them in the box. If he finds something, you don't lose everything.

Also, disclose all of this to your doctor. You may need that evidence later.

I would see the GP and mention the issue with H repeatedly leaving the children unattended in the bath and the steps you are having to take to ensure he cannot continue to endanger them like this.

Actually when I think about it if I'd inadvertently done something that could have lead to serious harm or death of a child (leaving them in a bath attended) I would feel absolutely terrible when this was pointed out to me. I certainly wouldn't do it more than once. I think most people would be the same. OP's husband seemed to barely care. He seems to have issues.

Picsinred has it exactly. Scott72 also. I agree he seems to have something missing. It's almost like leaving the kids in the bath unattended is to push your buttons.

You can leave for any reason or no reason at all OP. Especially with the new rules coming in regarding divorce. I would be gone.

After a few more weeks of the same kind of stuff part of which was a MASSIVE fuck up on my part- kissed a male colleague whilst VERY VERY drunk and home alone after a birthday celebration meal with my family and in laws only- DH went away for the weekend to do his hobby and I was very very lonely. No excuse. We went to three relate sessions and the counsellor pronounced us “fixed” but that I’ve got my own MH issues I need to deal with. I’m booked in for my own counselling session this evening with a specialist
Counsellor. It’s for another reason (think childhood trauma) and all I want to do is talk about the DH stuff. After my fuck up I told DH and he pretty much forgave me instantly. I really don’t understand his reaction at all. Also I went to the GP who doubled my antidepressant and gave me meds for anxiety.
Thing is I really don’t feel unhinged. I feel lonely and I’m second guessing myself. He keeps lying about stupid things and I keep calling him on it. It’s been going on for years and I’ve startes keeping a record.
I don’t really know why I’m updatinf this thread. I don’t really know if I’m mad because of my childhood or if my partner is a gaslighting asshole. Everyone loves him. Although my mum and sister have started noticing when he’s being a “showman” and the lies he’s telling me. That’s helping a lot.

Also as part of us working on our marriage he told me I had to delete the MN app from my phone- which I did and didn’t come on here for ages. He thinks it turned my head and made me view him in a way he really isn’t. After a few more evenings sitting by myself I just accessed MN through the browser. He knows but isn’t too impressed!

Also- sorry for all the posts but I keep remembering things I wanted to post-
Before the massive fuck up I had pretty much come to peace with the fact that our
Marriage was over. I’ve started
Saving a little bit each month and have been mentally escaping by looking at properties.
He also made me promise not to take on any more big projects (think degree stuff) as he thinks that contributed. I like being busy and progressing my career but after what I
did I feel like he can ask what he wants.
We are ok now but it still doesn’t feel like a normal reaction to me.

Don't see your fuck up as evidence that you are wrong and crazy... that's why he forgave you so easily surely? Because he can use it against you.

'Not this again, you're the one with the issue, you're the one who cheated'

'Your trauma is messing with your thinking, remember it made you cheat too'

Etc etc

If you're unhappy it's ok to leave. It doesn't have to be made into your issue or his issue. You're just unhappy so it's ok to try and remedy that.

Counsellors aren't Gods. Some are incompetent and awful - as is yours.

H wanted MN deleted as you.were receiving enlightenment - he want you ignorant. Did the counsellor agree that you should have to delete MN?

2nded that H is just pleased he has something to hold over you and probably tell people behind your back to "victim himself" up a storm.

Your H is horrid. Why are you still with him?

Why am I still with him? That’s the big question. Also he asked me to delete MN etc prior to the counselling. At the time I was fairly out of it with guilt and on a hefty dose of beta blockers and SSRIs. I’m seeing a new counsellor privately now and I’m going to talk all this through with her I think. I just want a yard stick to measure it all by as mine seems way off!

He thinks I self sabotage and engage in destructive behaviour due to my childhood issues. I had CBT for YEARS as a teenager so I just don’t know.

It suits him to forgive you. He likes your life. It works for him. He gets to feel like the all round good guy, married, family, house and the status that brings him as a man. The ultimate bonus of course is that he has to contribute very little to sustain it.

If you were unfaithful or leave him he'll lose all that.

It's much easier to blame you, Mumsnet, your childhood, the counsellor, than do a little bit of self reflection (which I suspect he's completely incapable of) and make some meaningful changes. Because he wants this life. It suits him. He gets to do his hobbies and play the hero.

He is Mr Perfect and you are dysfunctional and should be grateful to be with him. You kisses another man because you are crazy.

Nothing to do with him, he’s perfect.
Damn those evil bitter MNers who see through his perfect facade.

He is a prick, you are quite right to address your issues with a counsellor (and hopefully they are a good one). You’ve seen the situation for what it is. Life is perfect if it’s on his terms and you stay in your box, ever grateful for the crumbs he throws you. You can’t unsee that. You know he is a self centred man whose lazy parenting put his kids at risk. He does nice things but they come with a price.

There’s nothing a awful as the loneliness when you are in a relationship. At least when you are single you expect it. Keep planning, keep your fund going and don’t close your eyes to it again. You aren’t mad, and you’ll probably be a lot better mentally after you’ve left him and his mind games behind.

I was being sarcastic in the first 2 paragraphs btw. He is very far from perfect. I had an ex who thought he was awesome and tell everyone how awesome he was. It was nail biteingly embarrassing. I called him a hero in his own mind. He really wasn’t, he was a lazy selfish prick and once I wised up to it I dumped him. Despite his protestations that no one would ever treat me the way he did. He was right, thank god no one ever has! My mental health improved no end and I’m single but content with that.

He doesn't like you coming on mumsnet because we'll support you and encourage you to leave him

You are very lonely and you believe your marriage is over, the kiss is a consequence of that...

I hope your counsellor helps you see through the FOG and do what's right for you

I think I found a good counsellor. We did an exercise and I got totally stuck on the “what’s my relationship with myself like” had to rate it between zero and 5. We ended up on a big tangent that in summary was that I’ve been through hell as a teenager/child. And now I’m second guessing myself either because of it or because my DH is lying about stupid things and doing exactly what @wheresmypersonality said.

I agree with @wheresmypersonality too he doesn't care enough to want help you get properly well again and that's just for starters...

Why is he telling lies and gaslighting 🤷🏽‍♀️

Why would someone gaslight about tiny small things though? I mean what’s the point?
@RandomMess you are spot on. I was lonely and ready to leave. I was craving attention. It’s not an excuse but it’s a reason.
@Zofloramummy that’s it exactly I can’t under or disregard the lies. Maybe others could but I’m just not that person. I’ve been through so much. I’m tough and intelligent and (in the words of my Mum!) I’m a good catch. I think he’s threatened by that more than it being a malicious mind game. It’s sad really.

Your childhood doesn’t have to define what you accept as a good relationship. Just because this relationship is better than what you grew up seeing in your parents relationships, doesn't mean it’s good enough and that you should settle. I suspect you are deeply unhappy but feel it isn’t bad enough to leave?

Your DH being content with the status quo means that he is unlikely to have any great insight or even attempt to change. After all he probably thinks you should be grateful he’s ‘forgiven’ you. Agree with pp the kiss was a manifestation of your unhappiness. I bet he brings it up in future arguments though.