Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

Gosh, just read your thread and wanted to say this was me a couple of years ago. I was basically his parent. He didn't seem to understand risk and safety, he lied and gaslighted every day and I was only with him because we got together at 18 and I didn't know any better.

I got out. It seemed like the biggest thing in the whole world - I had two young children and I knew he wouldn't go without a fight. I dreamt about, researched it but then messed up my plans by blurting it out at Christmas 2017 when he pushed me too far. That led to a year from hell, I won't lie - it was tough and bitter. He wouldn't leave and we spent 11 months living in the same house. Torture. But it didn't break me.

I sit here now happier than I've ever been. I have a new partner who is my equal. We have the most incredible conversations and lots of adventures when the children are at their Dads. And surprisingly my children are happier - they adjusted so quickly and are thriving.

My EXH is, of course, a Disney Dad and that worries me. He has missed signs of them being ill, fed them food he shouldn't have done and taken them places I wouldn't have allowed. Luckily my DD7 is very sensible (and more mature than EXH) so she keeps him in line! Also I text him reminders every day re suncream, hats, water, medicine, baths, food etc because he has admitted he actually NEEDS me to do that. (My DP thinks it's just another way for EXH to keep controlling me but that's another story!)

What I wanted to say is that life really is too short. I walked through hell and came out the other side and in hindsight, I can't believe I waited so long. Life has never been better and my future is so much brighter without a man child dragging me down. Xxx

Thank you for all the replies. I’m second guessing myself again. He brought me breakfast in bed and didn’t talk to me. I got up and about an hour lateri asked if he wanted to talk about last night. Apparently now he “hasn’t been happy for a long time” either. He wouldn’t really talk and just said “what do you want me to say?” I said he should say whatever he needs to not just what he thinks I want to hear. He thinks I overreacted by contacting the HV- when I asked what else I could have done that I hadn’t already tried he couldn’t answer. He said he didn’t care that I had left last night. I think he wanted a reaction. Then he said he just wants to draw a line under all this. I said I don’t think I can do that.
I’m hungover but planning on taking the kids out for the day. He’s insisting on coming too but I don’t really want him to.
I’m so confused. He’s hardly talking to me and saying he’s been unhappy and there’s no way to get back to how we were. I’m not sure what to make of that. He doesn’t reply when I ask him about all the lies. And yet he wants to come out with us for the day? I just want some space. He won’t let me breathe.

Tell him either he takes the DC out for the day or you will but you are not spending the day with him as you need space.

Hi, @happpierasleep.
I have just read through your thread. So much of what you wrote resonated deeply with me. Many a times I felt I was going mad...i felt I was ungrateful because I was lucky to have him, I felt I was not a normal woman...i can go on and on.

I can tell you that if he is anything like my STBXH, your DH is not going to change. He will never value your opinions or feelings.
Be prepared for him to become openly nasty if you continue along the route of bringing the marriage to an end.

But more importantly, I want to tell you that you are not mad, you are not ungrateful, your thoughts are not clouded.

You deserve to feel confident in your relationship and to be certain of were you stand in your relationship.

How did it go eventually today? Did he go out with you and the DC? Are you alright?

I’m ok. I’m still here. I’m thinking and we are talking a lot. He wants to make it work. I think I do too. At least for now. I’m still going to quietly get my ducks in a row just for my own peace of mind. He has admitted the stupid lying but doesn’t know why he does it. I’m going to keep going to counselling and take some time to get everything straight in my head.
It’s a very powerful thing to realise you’re not mad and that it wasn’t all in my head. We are both damaged people, but we aren’t bad people. I’m not going to fix him- but now he know I can and will leave him unless he behaves reasonably to me.
Slowly slowly catches the monkey and all that. I don’t know. Thank you for all the replies- I’ve read every single one and they have been so so helpful. If anything else happens or I need advice about next steps to take I will update.

How are things @happierasleep?

Hi I have only read page 1 & immediate red flags for abusive nature

• he keeps mentioning how people think he is a wonderful husband & how X chore should earn him husband points suggests he has secret misogynistic outdated views of what roles men & women play in husband / wife type roles: any domestic chore should be congratulated as being a hero

• he puts on a fake act in front of other parents, he loves presenting an image of himself for the public as

Super husband / amazing dad but in reality you know the truth of him to be different

• the sleep in VS breakfast in bed, he wasn’t being kind or nice, what you needed & requested reasonably was was some much-needed sleep. Instead he wakes you up & presents you with a cliche romantic gesture which wakes you up & you are forced to pretend to be grateful for when an extra hour’s sleep was what you really craved. He only cares about doing things for show, he doesn’t actually care about how you feel deeply. Now he gets to brag to the ladies at school how he gave you breakfast in bed!

He sounds like a very clever gaslighter. I urge you to read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That - a free PDF of the book is available online if you google it

This was a really sad thread to read OP.

It sounded like you were almost escaping, but now he has reeled you back in by pretending that you are both damaged and making you feel like his inability to be a decent parent or partner are a joint problem you can overcome together.

I hope you’re able to get free soon OP.

@HeckyPeck I agree with you. It feels like this new push is exactly that. A new push. A show. He’s done nothing with the kids again this whole week. He has done a lot around the house in terms of odd jobs. It seems weird but I had this massive impulse to get all that stuff sorted after health visitor /bath plug gate. And he’s done everything I asked double quick. I feel like he needs fatherhood spelt out to him. The poor kids. They’ve spent the whole week inside watching tv, they are 5 and 3 and it’s the summer fgs.
@prawnsword I see the flags. I am totally aware. The way he did the breakfast in bed thing both times- 1st with a “M&S ad” style and the last one- cold, no speaking. Still in a shit with me. Spoke volumes to me. I discussed it all with my counsellor.
@Zofloramummy massive thank you for checking in on me yesterday. Work was ok but I text him mid afternoon asking him to put to some potatoes in to bake for the family dinner I had planned- sorry kids are calling will finish in a minute

....and he told me they would be ready for 6. I asked him to make sure they were ready for then because I had a quick turn around before my counselling session. He phoned me on my way home and HE TOLD ME they were in the oven and would be ready at 6. Can you guess what I’m going to say next?
I got in at 6 and lo and behold they had been put in maybe 30mins before. Which means he had been lying/incompetent since 4.30. They were just (and I really do mean just Edible at about 6.20. I had a mad rush to my counsellor. But got there in time. Just.
Turns out my counsellor had had supervision and her supervisor had made her aware of the term “gaslighting”. She/her supervisor both want me to think long and hard about it. I told my (really very lovely) counsellor k had heard about it though mumsnet.
And we talked about boundaries and what I can accept. She told me that I already have all the tools a counsellor wants to instill in a client- paraphrasing but that was the just.
So. The past three sessions
1- divulged anwuick synopisis of my life and why I’m here (partnfor me part on bequest from DH post counselling)

1. I’m allowed to be angry about things like endangering the life of my children (obvious but huge revelation)
2. I’m not mad/overreacting. He’s gaslighting me. Why? Who knows.

Homework: boundaries. Does it matter or not? What do I want in terms of happiness. In terms of a stable family? Can I let go of the constant lies.

I don’t know

Side note because I can’t even deal with this right now- we are in a modest amount of debt and living in our overdrafts through the month. I’ve save a few hundred doggedly since the spring. He’s claimed he’s been putting 100% of his wage into the joint account.
Except that as a bonus fall out of or grand clean I saw hismlast wage slip, after looking at his opened but not put away wage slips he has had between 270-500 spare every month. Yet I’ve been scrimping and saving and using my credit card for our family weekend away. Go figure,
Over to you mumsnet. I’m too overwhelmed to even know next steps right now. Especially as everything isnapparently fine. He’s gone out to his hobby tonight. Which is why I can post. How sad is that.

God I can’t believe I’m thinking of leaving him over potato’s. What is wrong with me?

Nothing wrong with you, he is constantly gaslighting you.

Whilst he is trying to make a go of things tell him he needs to put £300 each month more into the joint pot. Stop using any credit cards in your name. Literally force him to put his hand in his pocket.

Keep getting your ducks in a row ready to leave.

@RandomMess thank you for your post in know you’re a heavy hitter on mumsnet. I’m just beginning to accept there’s nothing wrong with me. And that actually I’m mighty strong. It’s scary but good.
I could ask him to put the money in but he would know I’ve pryed.
As I type this I’ve just realise our two loans the cars and another loan we took out are both in my name.
I’m sinking. Physically and mentally. I really thought I could be happy now. I thought I’d done it.

What a twat. How can I sort this before I leave?

I just want to be happy and live. Live MY life. I don’t know if I’m angry or shocked. My counsellor saying about the gaslighting then finding out about the money may have just finished me off. I will be ok tomorrow because I know what I have to do.
I just thought I was home free. Life is hard. Why are men like this???

Can you get him to take out a consolidation loan in his or at least joint names?

Stop buying anything and keep telling him you have no money for food/shoes etc?

Remember at the moment he's worried he's going to lose you so he should be more amenable to change! Move all household bills into his name?

Put less in the joint account as you need to pay off your credit card? Say they've cancelled it?

Go for joint debt counselling he will need to declare everything then?

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you for your earlier post. It really resonated with me.
@RandomMess yes yes! I will capitulate and make the most of the current timbre of “us”. It will be hard to do but if I act stupid he will buy it. Even if I just get the car loan squared away.
He’s just pulled up. Gtg. Thank you x

Children drown left unsupervised in the smallest amount of water. Perhaps your husband needs to see a child being resuscitated just so it sinks in.

Oh posted too soon, I certainly do not mean anything awful to your children @happierasleep I share your concern. He does not listen and keeps doing it. You sound fed up, life Is too short. Best of luck

I'm amazed your counsellor does not know what 'Gaslighting' means???

The only advice can offer to help you change in the easiest possible way for yourself / kids is to always act confused & unsure of what is going on. You must play gaslighters using their own game. They want to keep you in a perpetual state of insecurity & uncertainty.

Eg with the extra $ missing from the account just act confused why you can’t budget right, how you keep being wasteful & going into overdraft & you’ve just realised how badly you have messed up & going to go through the family finances & put things right!

Have found it is much easier to act airy fairy, apologetic & easygoing with gaslighters, they are more likely to let their guard down & give you access to things.

Eg He tries to fight you for custody or demands 50/50 when you know him to be neglectful ? Then instead of fighting him, say you agree because you would like some free time to pursue new hobbies / go out on the town. As soon as he realises it’s better for him if you are stuck at home on the weekends he will probably start to show less interest in having them....

Hello -
Your head is spaghetti because your H has made it so. You need to untangle the strands one by one. Read up on coercive control. Even the phrase that he ‘gives’ you naps reeks of it. My ex used to monitor my sleep and then start arguments at 11pm if I was sleeping okay. Making you delete MN is obviously controlling.

Leaving the children unattended in the bath is neglect but one word of warning - on one hand, social services and HVs etc tell you to protect your children and on the other, family courts believe it is in the best interests of the child to have both parents involved in their lives. So you can have a situation which I did where social work tell you that you need to protect your child, but because you are doing that, they then have no further involvement, so it is a family court matter (which means you then need to evidence why residential contact is not in the child’s best interests). In other words, if you believe the children to be at risk from him, it will be up to you to evidence this in court. So you need to think about how to do this.

The Citizen’s Advice Bureau will be able to advise on finances. Honestly, I would go and speak to them yourself about the financial situation and how to disentangle the debts. If the debts are in your name, but you are married, are they considered debts of the marriage? Where I am, they would be. If you speak to the CAB, you can be open about the situation. I personally would do that before getting any more entangled with your H. They will also be able to advise on what, if any, Legal Aid you are entitled to.

This will sound counter-intuitive, but aside from instances which endanger the children, stop trying to explain why his behaviour is wrong/controlling/upsetting. He is a grown man who has the same level of intelligence as you, I presume. He does not need you to explain. You can explain until you are blue in the face and all you are doing is giving him more information to manipulate with, plus all this explaining is keeping you engaged and using up energy. Close down the explanations, keep a journal somewhere (this really helps with the gas-lighting) and focus on how you get yourselves and DC out of this situation. (although see my above point about contact post-separation, you will need to think about what would be safe contact once you are separated).

Bidermann’s chart of coercion has monopolisation of perception as one of its elements of control. How much of your brain power is this situation using up trying to make sense of it? How would your life be if you did not have to think about H all the time?

Also look up the Cycle of Abuse, I think it is called - that is what the ‘nice’ bits are part of - just hooking you back in and making you doubt the negative experiences you have had.

My final point - which will sound harsh - is about whether or not you love him. Just because you love someone does not mean the situation is healthy. In fact, coercive control works because a lot of the things we societally see as romantic looking after someone can easily veer into controlling them. Coercive control is insidious, it works by creep, and because you doubt your own mind about what is happening - precisely because of the disparity between the idea of what love should be (and how your relationship started out) and what is the day to day reality (of how your relationship now is).

Excellent post by Ktara and she is right about social services. I had a similar situation with my ex, he was deemed a risk by them and they advised supervised access. Because I arranged that they closed the case. I didn’t go to family court, access is an informal arrangement and supervised by my parents.

It sounds like your counsellor is very aware that this relationship is not normal and is supporting you with that. That’s good because you’ll need that impartial voice.

You aren’t leaving him over potatoes, you are seriously considering leaving him because he is not a good partner. He is an abusive partner, not just psychologically but financially as well. It is so hard to get away from a controlling man. They make you question your own sanity and sense of self. It sounds like you are realising you can’t live like this. Have you anyone in rl you can talk to other than the counsellor?

Op, re the debts - You're married, so if you can show he's benefited from the loans in your name, he is jointly liable for them and they will be taken into account during financial settlements. Hurrah for marriage.

Seems you can add financial abuse to his list of behaviours.

I constantly have dreams that I have a new man. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something too? I'm feeling very much like you, and at times I feel more like his parent/sibling than his wife! An old friend has recently got in touch and I can't believe I'm even considering it!!! I never thought I'd ever do anything like that!