Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

He knows I go on mumsnet- I wouldn't mind if he read this. At least he couldn't shut you lot down and maybe then he would realise I'm not being ungrateful and actually- the super husband routine can wear you down

I'm irritated just reading about him. Eugh the relentless self-publicity to conceal how half-assed he is. Your dream sounds lovely. He knows - he knows he has pushed you too far, hence the breakfast in bed with the accompanying resentment. You need to start seeing with your eyes wide open and completely ignore his words. He sounds dishonest and manipulative to me. He thinks he's getting away with it.

He's not the super-husband tho, he's playing a part while actually being a bit of a shit.

I mean, agreeing to a lie-in for you and then making it impossible for you to enjoy it.
Deliberately putting them into baths when you're "off-duty" and behaving in such an irresponsible way that you're forced to leap up and take over.

Manipulative.

If someone’s husband wittered on like that in front of me I’d roll my eyes and think that they were very pathetic. I wouldn’t think they were husband of the year.

I suspect the mums at school don’t think he’s quite as wonderful as he believes.

I can also join in here, similar thing with DH, he’s always been very helpful with housework (he also does mostly the washing, drying and ironing) but it’s almost obsessive with him, (I have wondered if he’s on the spectrum a little). He’s ritualistic about making sure the washing basket is empty and woe betide the kids (18 and 16) leave a bit of dirty washing in their room and it misses the ‘cycle’.
I think he also sees himself as a martyr whereas I’m a bit more relaxed and tend to clean / wash in spurts throughout the week.
Moods and sulks are a daily event and I’m often at a loss as to what I’ve said or done - usually it’s because I’ve left a dirty cup out of the dishwasher or left an empty toilet roll core in the bathroom or something on the worktop in the kitchen to go into the recycling. He thinks it’s ‘his job’ whereas I tell him it’s ok, it’ll go in the bin when I next go out the garden etc.
He will try and go to extremes then by removing all packaging from everything in the fridge so it can all go into the recycling in one go - saves him having to do it later he says 😏. Or he’ll deliberately balance the empty toilet roll core on top of the kettle or something to make a point.
Cock womble - I hate him today anyway after a shit day out with friends yesterday - when he drinks now he becomes even more moody and childish. Ruined the day and was an embarrassment but that another thread....

God he sounds insufferable!

Look at me what a great husband I am while actually doing fuck all really.

Why is it men do these all consuming hobbies? Why are they so sacred and must be indulged?

Hi happierasleep,

re your comment in response to my question (about what you get out of this relationship:-

"No I can't answer it readily".

So what does that tell you about what you are getting out of the relationship as a whole?.

re your other comment:-
"I personally grew up with DV my dad used to hit my mum. So that may have a bearing on my outlook on relationships".

I am sorry to hear that, you certainly would have been imparted damaging lessons on relationships being in a violent household.
It certainly would have a bearing even now, look further at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up?. What did your parents teach you?. BTW are they still together? (I sincerely hope not).

Would you want your children as adults to think that this is how people do treat each other in relationships?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Ugh he sounds like a manipulative self centred asshole.
I would give him a sarky round of applause and a whoop every time he went on about how grateful you should be ,with a face like this

@happierasleep....I spent nearly 25 years with a "perfect" husband. He used to tell me how He was "one of the good guys" ' guess what - he wasn't. I spent probably the last 18 years being unhappy but blaming myself because he was so great - housework, shopping, didn't go to strip bars on stag dos etc. But it was just very subtle control....It's almost worse than being an out and out wanker because it really makes you question your unhappiness. We are now separated and its been hard but i am.happier in myself and now see what he did more clearly.

These men with their time consuming hobbies just seem to use it as an excuse for checking out of family life.
Always happy enough to make the children as long as they don't actually have to do anything that involves parenting.

Or do what a lady I know did and buy some cheap medals online and when he starts going on give him a medal.

There you go dear, they’ve announced husband of the year and you’ve won again (in a sarcastic tone obviously).

Clairesbalding

You are either on the spectrum or you are not and in all likelihood your DH is not on any spectrum at all.

ASD does not equal emotional abuse. Please do not conflate ASD with such behaviours like the ones your H shows because ASD has nothing to do with what he is doing at home.

In order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests since early childhood, to the extent that these "limit and impair everyday functioning".

Moods and sulks are examples of emotional abuse and again nothing to do with ASD either.

"He knows I go on mumsnet- I wouldn't mind if he read this".

I would and that is because he could dismiss us as a bunch of man hating harpies quite apart from laying into you for airing dirty laundry in public. He would make you pay somehow for what he would see as a serious transgression.

More importantly you need a safe outlet for your thoughts and he could deny you this if he read this particular thread.

I was thinking similarly, Attila, although I have visions of him bitching saying to the schoolgate mums about how OP goes on Mumsnet to complain about him and isn't he hard done by, and what a hero he is for putting up with it.

I said it upthread but I’ll repeat, please go get some relationship counselling for yourself. It really will help you.

In every relationship people are sometimes dismissive of the others feelings or act in a way which is upsetting for the other person, we are all human. The important bit is what we do when the other person points this out. Do we apologise and make a huge effort to change/acknowledge that the person is upset/apologise for their behaviour and make an effort to change so our partner doesn’t get upset again?
Or do we shut our partner down/refuse to accept our behaviour is upsetting and carry on with this behaviour?
Unfortunately your H is the second type of person.

I hate to break it to you but he’s not sharing the housework. He’s cherry picking the easiest bit. I’ve just put the weeks washing on. Took me 2 mins to bung it in the washer. Then it will take me another 5 mins max to transfer to the dryer and take out the bits that can’t be dried. So he’s doing 10 mins of HW a week max? What about loading/unloading the dishwasher every day, cooking meals, hoovering, washing bathrooms....that’s the tedious, time stuff? Do a rota of all jobs and give him half. He’s taking the mickey. To then gloat about it? I’d print these responses off and show him what other mums truly think. Here’s my response to him. Feel free to share “you are deluded and taking the piss. Do your fair share”

Oh and if the other mums think he’s so brilliant then let one of them take him in and put up with him. Men are so tedious. I have no idea why anyone gets married these days. It’s beneficial for the bloke (never has to look after himself ever again) and downgrading/degrading/stressful for the woman. Think society needs a shift.

Pound to a penny the other Mums think is a knob .
Namalt Bemused
Mine just gets on with it -no medal needed

Mines a get on with it type bloke.

I’ve had a medal requiring one too, there’s a reason the medal required is an ex...

Same thing this AM. DH stayed asleep, I got up with the kids. As I left the room he caught my eye and saw my face and said "you get them set up with breakfast then come back to bed and I will watch them". I said something like "oh that's generous of you" and walked out.

When I came back up he asked if I was ok and I said no, I keep talking to you about this and you keep ignoring me every morning. He replied with "well I give you naps when you want them". I didn't say anything- I didn't want to be drawn into an argument that had nothing to do with what I was stating. He then said "oh you going to be life this then?" And left the room muttering something. Generally huffy.

Anyway I thought fuck it and went to sleep! It was amazing! Came down stairs and guess what.... kids in the bath unsupervised. I said (AGAIN!) this CANNOT happen. This is not up for debate-this is unacceptable to me and I will stand here and watch them as you are unable to.

I didn't get angry, didn't raise my voice, just stated everything calmly. He then got a bit huffy saying he can hear them in the kitchen, I replied that people don't drown noisily. More huffing and he comes over to watch the kids so I can get my breakfast. Whilst I'm doing that he starts "jokingly" telling the kids that mummy wants to run away and it will be just him and them?! I categorically reassured he kids that daddy was joking and I will never ever go anywhere without them etc etc.

Any way since then I have been acting as normal as possible whilst DH has been sulking and giving me one word, flat toned answers. I haven't asked him what's the matter, but it's surprisingly awkward having to pretend to be blithely unaware of his sulking when normally I try to address it.

I know we need to talk about the bath issue. Again. I just don't know when or how. I've yelled, sent him links to websites about safe bathing for kids, I've got his mum to tell him (brought it up in front of her!) and now just calmly stating it. I will not compromise or let this go- I can't! It's too serious!

I'm seriously debating on taking the plug upstairs with me when (if!) I get naps.

Also @Bemusedagain I thought this too- it takes zilch time to whack laundry into machines and take it out- yet that's his housework "thing" that he brags about!

There seems an obsession about housework here on both sides, I know few marriages that last where it becomes all about housework and who does what , I think you both need to relax down a bit about it. I lived with a guy for3 years who seemed to think our house should resemble habitat and was like a circus animal demanding applause if he actually did anything house work wise, it didn’t end well

Not on my side @user1479305498 !!! He just really likes to point things he's done out to me.

We had a talk tonight about the bath issue. I think I've finally gotten through. He we a bit sulky but did get my point.
As for the rest of it I guess I wait and see. Going to be looking at my ducks and considering the best way to arrange them. They will get more linear depending on his behaviour!