Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

He’s now hardly talking to me and seems to be upset. I asked him and apparently he’s feeling ill. I might go walk the dog for some headspace.

He’s upset because you’ve pointed out that once again he is putting his kids at risk!!

Sadly I think that’s it @zofloramummy either that or he’s read this thread. I kept asking him what was the matter honestly and he even swore on my life he feels ill.
I have spoken to my best friend at length and she said I have got to talk to him again about how I’m feeling. I think I will but I don’t really know where to start. I could do it tonight or wait until tomorrow after my counselling session.

It might be useful to discuss with your counsellor tomorrow what is the best way to approach discussing it with him. Emotion is not likely to be helpful. Calm facts and a planned idea of what you want to discuss would be good. He will probably deflect, minimise and shift blame onto you. Being prepared to deal with that would be helpful. I do think you are somewhat flogging a dead horse. He doesn’t think what you are saying is important therefore he won’t change. Only (god forbid) an actual incident would make him belatedly more risk averse.

There was a case locally of a mum who left her 2 kids in the bath to answer the phone. They were younger than your dc 12 months and 3 I think. The baby drowned . The mum received a custodial sentence. It can and does happen.

God that’s awful @zofloramummy my worst nightmare.
He’s miraculously fine now.
I’m talking to my counsellor about this tomorrow. And I think I’m going to start keeping a diary again.

I know exactly what he will say @Zofloramummy
I will say (again) how this is a red line for me and the dangers etc etc then he will cut across me/shut me down and say something like “I know I know I get it” or “why are you bringing this up again” or “stop going off on one at me” etc etc. Ready my next session in a min- wish me luck!

@happierasleep hope you are ok. You must feel like a hamster on a wheel going over the same issues again and again.

The thing is you have said all this to him before and nothing changes. What do you think talking to him again will achieve?

You are flogging a dead horse.

I bet he loved the fact you kissed someone else as he can use that as a stick to beat you with whenever you step out of line.

Honestly op, you need to leave. This is a terrible environment to bring up kids in. They will know.

Update: I’ve phone the HV and someone from their duty team will ring me back.

After counselling I went home and he hadn’t picked up some medicine my eldest and all of us need. (family threadworms what fun). She had woken up in agony the night before with pain in her vagina. She’s rubbish at washing her hands- I’m on the case re:that. Anyway he didn’t pick it up despite being at home all day with them both. I knew he would lie and say that he had tried so I stopped by a late night pharmacy and bought some. I actually got angry with him for once. He walked out of the room and went for a cigarette. He hardly spoke to me just the usual “ok I get it” “what do you want from me?” And a “sorry”. He then brushed his teeth and went to bed. I stayed up for an hour or so then went to bed where I SWEAR he was pretending to be asleep. Shallow breathing, no snoring and just not how he normally sleeps. I almost slept on the sofa. Anyway this morning I had to get up for work and he stayed in bed- apparently actually asleep- until I had to wake him up because I had to leave for work. He’s not talking to me. I don’t give a flying fuck to be honest.
I read up about neglect and this certainly falls under the mild end of medical neglect and squarely under safety neglect. I also looked at parenting styles and omg he has a “uninvolved/permissive” parenting style
Through and through. I need to think carefully about my next steps but I don’t think I can change him.

Also (and this might be my history talking here) when I was lying there next to him I felt overwhelmingly afraid. Like he was going to hit me or take my phone. He’s never done either or given any indication of violence or threats or anything. It was just knowing he was lying there awake listening to me get changed and into bed and stuff. It was really really odd.

You poor thing. What are you planning to do? He is essentially useless as a parent and won’t change. Hope your dd is feeling better. It must be exhausting being the only competent adult. I’m a lone parent but I swear to god that’s easier than being let down again and again by a life partner.

Thank you @zofloramummy it is exhausting. Posting here is helping me take stock of it all. It’s true I felt less stressed when he was away because I wasn’t constantly having to monitor him and the kids!

HV rang. Told them everything. They said they can’t advise on my relationship (didn’t ask them to!) but that I have a duty of care not to leave them with him unsupervised.
This seems mad really considering that if I leave him he can give them as many unsupervised baths as he wants!
I’m following their advice but buying some time.
My mum says to wait until Sunday (I’m at home now until then) then discuss it with him and record it as evidence. I think I will tell him he either never bathed the kids again or he has to leave. A handhold would be ace at this point.
He’s not speaking to me and has gone out on an errand. I’ve opened some 🍷

Please get your ducks in a row before you tell him that you are ending the relationship.

I suspect you feel afraid because you are standing up to him, gaining strength, calling him out on his bullshit and he doesn't like it... you've not done that before but he will do what he can to shut you up and put you back in your box.

I don’t know if anyone is reading anymore. @anyfucker I could do with a two liner right now. It’s gone from bad to worse.

Make a plan to leave him
You'll be happier

Still reading. If you split up, he could be Disney dad instead. He's lousy as daily dad.

So I told him all the HV advice and also he was a twat about getting the piece of furniture in- I was tired and soppy and said I loved him- to which he said “sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself”. I walked off and left him trapped in the spare room by said piece of furniture! I phoned my mum and told her about it all because it was very,very funny. He got out eventually (had to saw the legs off of the piece of furniture- I gave him the saw). And sat next to me on the patio whilst the kids watch a film.
It all came out. Not the leaving him stuff but all the safeguarding stuff. I told him about contacting the HV and he said nothing . I talked about ending our marriage (even though it would break my heart) and he said nothing. I told him about my counselling sessions that have made me able to embrace my strength at getting through my childhood (had extensive CBT and counselling for years after it all went tits up as a kid). I KNEW I was strong. I KNEW I wasn’t mad.
Anyway long story short I’m on a bus into town to meet up with a friend. I’ve walked out and he doesn’t give a shit. Actually tried to tell me about how I’m lucky HE stuck around for so long. Please.

I don’t even know if anyone is reading this anymore. But I just want to know if I’m mad or not. Ta muchly.

Handhold. We are still reading and still behind you all the way. This isn't going to be easy but you WILL get there.

We are here and listening

There's something missing in him.

Jesus wept, this guy is a total fuckwit

It's all ramping up OP because he realises you're onto him and his gaslighting.

It's clear as crystal to me that the bath issue is utterly deliberate. He does it precisely because he knows how much it winds you up. He understands perfectly. He wants to upset you. It's the perfect weapon. The silver lining to this though is that he probably won't do if you leave the kids alone with him, he's only doing it to wind you up! And he probably guesses it puts you off leaving him so it serves a secondary purpose too.

If you started telling him eg leaving plates in the sink was really annoying you, trust me, there'd be a plate in the sink to wind you up every day...

He's a clever, nasty manipulator. They play on any vulnerability you reveal to them, and know all too well how to press your buttons. You have to learn grey rock. Definitely don't react to the silent treatment.

I too think your supposed mental health issues might vanish if you weren't dealing with his subtle shit every day. Grinds a person down does psychological warfare.