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Original poster

Dreamt about leaving DH

179 replies

happierasleep · 14/04/2019 07:49

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

OP posts:
Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:31

@Iggly I really really try but he will just walk away!

OP posts:
MCPT · 14/04/2019 08:31

He sounds a bit tedious and annoying to me... of course there are worse husbands out there, but not sure that's a good reason to stay.

Apart from these annoyances, how do you feel about him? Does he make you laugh? Are you attracted to him? Is he supportive when you have a big problem?

If the answers are generally "no", I'd be tempted to end it. It sounds harsh, but we get one life, and you sound fab so you should be happy!

Good luck, it sounds like a bit a of crappy situation to be in.

Iggly · 14/04/2019 08:33

@happierasleep
I used to follow him! Terrible I know but I felt like it was dh’s way of controlling me.

He realised that he couldn’t stop running.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2019 08:33

He sounds like a knob and he isn't even doing a good job parenting or looking after the house. Make your dream a reality op

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2019 08:35

Why am I not surprised that his own father did not do anything around the house either?. Like his dad, is this man's hobby/obsession golf too?.

Your H is doing the same and by doing tasks badly he is getting out of doing them in future. He cannot even be asked to supervise his children properly when they are in the bath because its not important to him.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. You cannot answer that question readily can you?.

Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:36

@Iggly Grinok that's the new plan!

And yes he does make me laugh, I'm still attracted to him physically I think. But maybe his attitude towards me/family life is putting me off a bit? It's a bit like the Truman show at times and it's not exactly sexy.

OP posts:
Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:38

No I can't answer it readily. I personally grew up with DV my dad used to hit my mum. So that may have a bearing on my outlook on relationships.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 14/04/2019 08:38

God he sounds annoying just reading about him set my teeth on edge. I fear he would be under the patio if I had inadvertently married him. Dh does as much as he can (his job v demanding and well paid I wfh) just quietly does it not make a big fuss or makes out he is a great husband for doing A Wash

WeeDangerousSpike · 14/04/2019 08:39

From a safety point only, and not resolving the bigger issue at all, could he put the kids in the shower and never the bath? At least there's no drowning risk with a shower.

Otherwise, I'm afraid I've no ideas. I too recently had a dream I left DP and woke up all content. Then felt 100 x worse after reality hit.

Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:41

@WeeDangerousSpike it's horrible isn't it- I actually felt like crying and wanted to will
Myself back to sleep! And shower is a good idea thank you.

The great cleaning of the downstairs has commenced.

Thank you for all the comments and perspectives so far, I really appreciate them.

OP posts:
Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:43

Also I just took my plate downstairs and I think he is sulking with me! I asked if anything was wrong and he said no but he seemed off. Now this happens a LOT. He's also getting the kids up and dressed-not the norm!

OP posts:
Thehop · 14/04/2019 08:45

He sounds like a very irritating cock nostril, and a pretty crappy dad. I couldn’t live with him.

megrichardson · 14/04/2019 08:45

o no! the bloody sulking routine! It is also designed to bring you back into line. Ignore, ignore.

DogHairEverywhere · 14/04/2019 08:46

I was going to suggest that in order for you to get an uninterrupted lie in, to take yourself off to a hotel for the night, but then read your comment about leaving the dc in the bath.
My dh used to pull this one and it meant that i never allowed him to do their baths. I couldn't risk it.
It breeds resentment and tbh, I'd be planning to leave him when the children are older and in less danger when he has them eow.

category12 · 14/04/2019 08:47

Does he know your handle on mumsnet?

megrichardson · 14/04/2019 08:47

The trouble is, do you find that you don't want to have 'the talk' when the kids are around, because he will kick off, and this makes it all a lot harder, so you tend to let a lot of his behaviour go?

SolitudeAtAltitude · 14/04/2019 08:49

When my kids were that age, I used to think that all it would take for me to fall for another man, would be for someone (anyone) to just be a little bit kind and appreciative.

Instead I had a hobby obsessed H, who furthered his career whilst I was at home with the babies. Arguments about who was more tired, or whose turn it was for a lie in were never won by either of us.

They are hard years, when kids are small, and the current fashion for middle aged men to have all-consuming hobbies does not help...Hmm

We muddled through, I started my own time consuming hobby and work (kids are 17/15-ish and don't need us to be around so much) as the only way for me to have a break, was to actually leave the house.

So keep your own life going, go out, have fun.

I learned to be more like these kind of men, to be more selfish and more ruthless in the pursuit of my own fun and downtime.

Still, I still dream of running off sometimes...

I am just not sure marriage is all it's cracked up to be for women.

megrichardson · 14/04/2019 08:51

I am just not sure marriage is all it's cracked up to be for women

indeed.

Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:57

@megrichardson yes yes!!!
And no he doesn't know this handle I name changed for this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:58

Oh and the hobby isn't golf- think much much geekier.

OP posts:
Original poster
happierasleep · 14/04/2019 08:59

@SolitudeAtAltitude thank you for your reply, that's the kind of train of thought I'm on at the moment.

OP posts:
NigesFakeWalkingStick · 14/04/2019 09:00

Sounds like my ex. Obsessed with a hobby. Thought he was the bees knees because he did housework and constantly criticised me for being lazy and unmotivated. Would often palm the children off or ignore them to do said housework and want a fucking medal for it.

There were loads of other things wrong with the relationship but the tedious nature of him looking like he was the hero all the time was what really wore me down. He thought he was amazing because he balanced all this stuff, whilst swanning off for hours/days at a time to do his hobby whilst I did the childcare.

WhiteDust · 14/04/2019 09:07

Did you flip the f'ing breakfast tray and tell him that you don't want his stupid grand gestures, you want him to be engaged with family life?

YANBU. He's a knob.

category12 · 14/04/2019 09:08

Computer golf! Grin

WhiteDust · 14/04/2019 09:14

Also I just took my plate downstairs and I think he is sulking with me! I asked if anything was wrong and he said no but he seemed off. Now this happens a LOT. He's also getting the kids up and dressed-not the norm!

Ah, does he read MN? 😂👀

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