Dreamt about leaving DH

[happierasleep]

I've nc'd for this.

I've just had the nicest, most tranquil dream about leaving my DH. I guess the details don't matter but there was another man in my dream, not a real person. No sex involved. He was funny, kind and listened to me. It just made me feel so relaxed and warm. Then I woke up and freaked out a bit!

In real life, DH is a good dad. He's obsessed with this hobby though and spends most evenings sitting in the other room doing it. He does his share of house work. His speciality is doing ALL the washing in the house and tumble drying it and leaving it all dry and crumpled in bags. If I'm not ever so grateful (because it's a waste of electricity when we have airers/washing line, I have to fold it all and put it away, can't find the kids clothes because everything's all muddled up) then he gets huffy.

He likes to "blitz" the house, meaning that he will literally focus on that and pretty much ignore the kids for the day. I'm more of a clean as I go person. We resolved this by hiring a cleaner once a week.

Another issue is taking time off of work when the kids are sick. He expects me to use up my carers leave and a/l and he helps out if he can. This has been going on since the end of my mat leave so about 2 years I guess. This ended in a huge row which I resolved by signing up to a sitting agency. Sent him the login details so he could share in making bookings etc. He hasn't and he probably won't.

I don't know he just acts like I should be grateful for him being this "amazing husband" he constantly talks about how the other mums at school think he's amazing because we talk openly about our expectations and both do housework. He bangs on about getting "husband points" and how "other husbands don't do this, you don't realise how lucky you are" etc etc.

Then spends all evening doing his hobby. He also goes out one night a week for the club for his hobby. I don't mind this. I go out with friends once every few weeks and I do the gardening whilst he plays with the kids at the weekend. But for example I asked him to take some garden waste to the dump over a month ago- he took half and has left the other half in a pile in the middle of the lawn! I will just do it myself, or he will do it right before we have guests over.

The biggest issue we have is lie ins. I NEVER EVER get an uninterrupted lie in. I have to beg him for one the night before (like last night) and every morning (I only ask/insist maybe once a month?) with our fail he lies there next to me whilst the kids get up (5&3) and get into bed on my side, talk to me, start playing etc etc. This morning an hour went by with him just lying there ignoring them and dozing. In the end I had to get up to help DS5 on the loo, after he had just tried shouting at them from the bed next to me. When I said "some lie in this is, what a giant surprise" he just snapped "oh don't start". He eventually got up with them after they went downstairs, raided the fridge and went into the garden. He ignores them until I get up usually. And I usually get up with them much much quicker.

Any way. My dream was so so lovely and then I woke up to this. Just wanted some perspectives- am I being an ungrateful brat?

*unsee not under!

He sounds like an incompetent gasslighter.
I don't really have much to add that hasn't been said other than please don't doubt yourself. You're starting to see the situation more clearly, I hope the therapy helps you make a decision that works best for you.

Gaslighting is usually about control and power. It’s also usually over petty stuff. Now do that often enough to someone whose already anxious and low and it’s a truly cruel act. It keeps you wrong footed and doubting yourself. It undermines any argument because you remembered ‘wrongly’ or ‘forgot’ something. It rewrites the narrative in his favour. It’s insidious and it’s abusive. It erodes your sense of self and wellbeing. Any person engaging in it is a tosser and not a nice human being on the inside.

I think the bit that's really important to understand is that his identity is built on your dynamic. He needs you to stay in the position of self doubt. That's key here. It's much easier for him to undermine and pull apart your personality, than it is to look at his own. The dynamic serves a purpose for him.

Ultimately he does these things as it reaffirms the image he has of himself as the 'great guy'. All the half jobs, laundry, gardening, childcare, the lie ins, are (probably unconsciously) being done to keep you in this position of self doubt. He's done the laundry - what a hero, can find the kids clothes? Ungrateful with issues. Same with the lie ins, same with the baths. Once you start really questioning all this, it threatens the dynamic, hence him trying to shut it down.

The lies are just another part of the same thing.

It's not you, although it's hard to see things clearly when your childhood has been crap. Really it's the perfect dysfunctional match - a self doubter with a fragile ego!

He sounds very controlling. You said your mum and sister have only just started seeing him for who he was so he probably didn’t see them as a threat until now. I find his request to cut yourself off a support network such as MN very worrying.
He sounds like my exH. So many details you give remind me of those years I wasted.
It’s hard to leave. You are doing wonderful going counselling, it will give you the confidence to know you will be ok on your own like so many PPs (including me) can see already.

I would immediately leave a man who left children unsupervised in the bath.

@Zofloramummy I suspect you are deeply unhappy but feel it isn’t bad enough to leave?
That’s how I feel. I don’t know if my radar is wonky because of what I’ve been through (DH’s opinion) or if this is enough of a reason to end my marriage and change our family dynamic forever.
Hence the counselling!
He hasn’t realised but him giving me the ultimatum to go to counselling will May really backfire on him as I get an independent perspective. He wholly believes it’s all on me- that’s why it’s not malicious

I’ve had some wine and had a quick read of the new replies. @wheresmypersonality I think you’ve absolutely nailed it. He went out for his hobby the second I got in which is fine as it’s his normal Thursday night thing albeit later because of my counselling sesh.
We’ve spoken and I’ve been quite frank. About his childhood and his idea of family. We got quite deep and then he started talking about his toes (his feet were up on the table). I rode it out for bloody ages then there was small talk and now he’s gone to bed.
I feel like I’m going a bit mad tbh

Yes I think counselling will be very helpful for you. Ultimately it comes down to whether the relationship is making you happy, and meets your needs. If it isn’t you can’t fix it on your own. He would need to have a serious desire to change himself.

That’s called deflection OP. He didn’t want to continue the discussion so he changed it.

He keeps distracting you. It's not you. It is him.

He’s taken the kids to his mums tonight. It was planned and fine but I have an ear worm about it.
Basically (and this is massively outing but fuck it) today is a big anniversary of something awful that happened to me as a child. I’m in denial really bad at significant dates about childhood things.
I realised that it was the anniversary actually during my counselling session yesterday
I told DH how weird that was and he said “yeah I know- so???”
Now either-
-he had forgotten too (totally understandable given that he wasn’t there at the time) OR
-he deliberately scheduled that he would take the kids to his mums overnight on the second hardest day of the year for me. The hardest being my birthday where he went away for the weekend to do his hobby.

Is he cruel or just stupid?

Sounds like he just doesn't give a shit tbh

(I’m leaning towards stupid- he seems to lie when he thinks being honest will make him look bad)

@RandomMess yes. That’s then conclusion I’m coming to too. It’s like death by a thousand cuts.

Hope you got through ok yesterday, sounds like it was a difficult day for you

Sorry op. Xxxxxx I think you know what you have to do. You seem to be just planning Ur plan a,b,c,d to have things under control. He doesn't understand you, you are asking for help and he is ignoring Ur feelings. That having had a bad childhood shows that he isn't trustworthy, sorry but he is a fucker or very stupid

I think cruel, actually.

Just got home from work DH has taken the first two weeks of summer hols off to look after them, the kids just told me they had just been in the bath and he had sat and done his hobby. I spoke to him straight away and he said he was checking them momentarily and they could swim (they can but only with supervision and floatation aids) so didn’t see the problem. I told him don’t make me choose between you and the kids because it will be them every time. At least he was honest with me. I told him it was a deal breaker but how can I trust him? I think our marriage won’t last I need to think of a plan. I love him so so much but I feel like I’m living with a boy child sometimes.

Also when I came in he was doing his hobby and looked surprised to see me, I normally finish at this time to do the school run but I think that’s why he was doing a mid afternoon bath. They’ve not gone anywhere bar soft play because the cleaner was here- despite it being a beautiful day. Oh and he stayed at his mums with them one night last week.

Can anyone point me in the direction of threads that give practical advice about steps to take prior to ending a marriage? I’m still hoping it won’t come to it but I want to be prepared. Thank you

My husband always used to say don't start as well which was the most fecking irritating thing ever. I'm never having a say about family life I'm "starting". What woman ever says that?

What worries me about the bath thing is if you do divorce and he has the kids, he could do this all day without intervention. I'd be recording your conversations about this and presenting it to social services.

My mums just said something similar but told me to tell the health visitor now and take photos of the scalpels/ paint cement and thinner left within reach on the dining room table too. I’ve just spoken to him again and he claims to understand but I’ve heard it so so many times now. I could cry honestly.

(((HUG)))

It’s not you, it’s him.

You might not want to, but you NEED to end this marriage whilst you’re still capable of doing so

Please stop referring to it as you having majorly Fucked up, you didn’t, you kissed someone. It’s FAR less damaging than the shit he’s been doing to you for years

Have you spoken to your friends like you were going to? People will already know he’s not the Demi God HE professes to be

He’s a master manipulator who is a champion in gas lighting - you need to get you and the kids out of there.

I’m sorry about your childhood & past trauma I hope you get the help with that, that you need 🌷💕but I guarantee your MH will improve overnight when you get away from him x