Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[AnnaNimmity]

Those you tube clips are helpful - but at the end of the day, it's about working on yourself. I have found counselling so helpful - because we allow those men to treat us like that. We are the only things we can change.

In my case none of my friends could understand the attraction to the man. None of them could understand why I allowed him to treat me like that (even i couldn't tbh) and they didn't seem to stand for the same crap either. I realised that it's about setting boundaries, being strong, and seeing that you're worth so much more.

I'm in such a good place, but it's been a slog to get here. I've had to work so hard on myself, my self esteem, my self worth. But I feel amazing now. It's so hard I know. But only you can make the change. He'll keep you hanging on for ever in this crap anxious cycle because he sees you as his. And you, for some unknown reason (which your friends can't understand) think you love him and he loves you. That isn't love.

[TeaForTheWin]

I feel you don't seem to have come to terms with the fact that there is no good and bad side to him. Only the bad, and the mask. All that good stuff you remember, was just an act to draw you in. None of it was real. Its like falling in love with a tv character, thinking that the actor playing that character is really that person. They aren't.

The coldness...the emptiness where something (affection, kindness, warmth, basic human decency) should be - that is the real him. And if you saw him for that, for the cold klamy leach, desperate to such the life out of you to fill the bottomless emptiness in himself - you'd want to get as far away as possible.

Also, he hates you. HATES. Remember that.

So either you don't know this...in which case, I hope you do now and can start coming to terms with it. OR you were just feeling a bit lonely and needed reminding of what he is amd that the good stuff was all lies and manipulations.

You made a mistake getting back in touch, you know that. Now you need to do damage control. Block and delete him on everything. You are stronger than you think.

[Meandwinealone]

It’s fucking hard. So hard. My ex is happy with someone else now. Genuinely happy. Getting over that has been the hardest bit of all. Just feeling utterly worthless and like I’ve been thrown away like a piece of rubbish. Feeling very sorry for myself today

[Whatisgoingonwithmylife]

Meandwinealone he probably isn’t genuinely happy though. I remember the amazing love bombing stage, I thought that I was the luckiest woman alive! It can’t last though, can it.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

@AnnaNimmity
He isn't even pretending to love me and I still can't let go.

@TeaForTheWin
In a nutshell.

@Meandwinealone
Sending you hugs . Focus on the fact you guys were 'genuinely' happy at the start too... until his true colours start to come through.

How stupid am I? He's not even trying to convince me he loves me, I'm chasing him, trying to convince him, wanting to see him!!! He's blaming things I've done for his decision and I'm trying to prove he's got it wrong. Even writing this down feels pathetic.

[getoveritatlast]

@Getmyfrownupsidedown that sounds exactly like me. We left it with he just needs time to think. I didn't make enough effort, he warned me and I didn't change. Feeling a bit weak tonight and I don't want to cave in.
How's everyone else getting on??

[getoveritatlast]

Popping on for some distractions....how's everyone getting on??

[OldAndWornOut]

Hiya.
More to the point, how are you doing?
Still managing to stay away from him?

[getoveritatlast]

Yep, no contact at all. Miss him at times still and haven't got through a day/night without thinking about him. Everytime I do want to give in I try and get angry about him. So far so good...

[OldAndWornOut]

You're doing very well! You should line up a treat for yourself when you get to however many days.
It is hard though, isn't it?

[getoveritatlast]

It's so hard and tonight I miss him so much. We were friends for so long before we started any relationship and spoke every day. It's pathetic but it feels like he was my best friend aswel. I've thought so many times I can just ring and chat to him as my friend and that's it it doesn't need to be any more than that. It would never work tho I know. I'm determined to stay away 😔
I really don't know how many days will be enough? I feel like it's always going to be looming over me.
I'm keeping busy tho. Making lots of plans with friends and family for times when I know we would usually be together.
I just miss a cuddle.
Also feel like if I had some closure on it it wouldn't feel so crappy..

[OldAndWornOut]

I always think it might have been easier if my ex had beaten me up!
I still believe that he did love me in his own way, but he was not right in the head.
Drink, drugs; I don't know if they were a cause or a symptom.
He could be incredibly kind, and he had a lot of charisma..

[getoveritatlast]

I think he does love me, I want to say I know he does. I know he'll eventually be back, I just have to be strong enough to say no and I don't think I ever will be that's what worries me. I mean I still want his approval I still want him to tell me I'm good enough. Why? Im a grown woman I shouldn't need that.
No one teaches you how to deal with this head fucking shit in school do they.
@OldAndWornOut would you go back to him now if he asked?

[OldAndWornOut]

Well, there's a question..
Its impossible now, because I was contacted last week by his mum to tell me he died..
So, another load of grief, upset, anger, and I don't know how many other emotions.
I would say no though, I wouldn't have got back with him, but it would take all my strength not to.
I would have to think of all the spiteful things he did.

[AnnaNimmity]

a friend doesn't call you fat. A person who loves you doesn't leave you over and over. doesn't cheat on you. Doesn't lie to you. Doesn't tell you to try harder. That it's your fault.

I know it's hard I've been there. Charisma and attention? yes. But not love.

But you know, it's not real. He'll be back (all of them come back). It's over when YOU decide it's over.

I can only recommend that you get counselling. And take yourself out of the cycle. You have the power.

[AnnaNimmity]

Cognitive dissonance. It's such a fucker, it really is.

[OldAndWornOut]

Yes, you're right on every count, AnnaNimmity.
All of those things, and the rest.
I'm in a strange place at the minute; shellshocked, sad etc.
Glad you are the voice of reason.

[Sharkirasharkira]

8 days no contact and counting....

Finding it hard today though. Not missing him as such but I still dream about him and I know he's off somewhere enjoying his life with his new victim source and it pisses me off that he is happy and with someone while I am alone and lonely

It feels so unfair. I'm a good person, I deserve to be with a good person and be treated right and yet almost all of my long term relationships have been abusive, with people who are just users. I'm trying so hard to break that cycle because I KNOW I deserve better.

But right now it feels like there is no justice in the world. He is the liar, the cheat, the user and abuser and yet HE gets a happy ending?!?! He leaves a trail of destruction and broken hearts in his wake and no one ever calls him out on it, that's why he continues to act this way because no one ever exposes the real him and there are no consequences for him. No reason to change. It's such bullshit

[redcarbluecar]

Hope you’re finding it helpful to post on here- there seems to be some good advice and support. I was wondering if, when you have the urge to message him, you could write to him instead (not to actually send), telling him how you feel. I did this once when I felt rejected and belittled by someone, and it helped me to collect and reflect on my personal thoughts. Anyway, whatever it takes, I hope you get through to the other side of this and can move on from him.

[Sharkirasharkira]

The funny thing is, right now I don't even want to message him. I don't want any contact with him, in fact the only reason I haven't blocked him completely on everything is that I'm holding on to evidence of his cheating on his new victim gf in case she finds out - so I can show her the truth and prove that I'm not a lying psycho bitch out to ruin his life.

I'm just angry and bitter than he instantly replaced me with someone 'better' and yet I'm the one who actually deserves happiness and I can't seem to have it. I know life isn't fair but just once I feel like it could cut me some fucking slack.

[mummmy2017]

Rename him,. Slimeball, on your phone.
Refer to him only ever in your head as this.
Then you can grieve for your ex as he died.... That man is no more ...
So nice you can separate the two. You can try to see this man as nasty, someone you would not date....
Write a list of Slimeballs bad points....
Everytime you feel the need to text him, run down your list see if you can add more, no matter how petty....

[getoveritatlast]

I'm drunk!!! Someone talk to me so I don't think talking to this utter arsehole is a good idea!!!!

[youreonmylastnerve]

Haven't read the thread, but don't do it. You know it's a bad idea, or you wouldn't have posted.

[OldAndWornOut]

Start thinking about all the times he has baited you for an argument, been passive aggressive, spoiled happy days for no discernable reason.

[getoveritatlast]

😓 this is shit