Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[orangechocolatey]

18 weeks and for some reason tonight he is all I can think about. Why why why.

[orangechocolatey]

Its such a horrible feeling isn't it? You're so much better than that. Hope you can stay strong and get away from the horrible excuse of a man.
I'm having a funny night tonight. He's not been on my mind like this for a while and I don't like it. I'm doubting everything and making myself feel rubbish. Why now after so long am I about to start this all over again.
Will definitely do some YouTube searches thank you

[supercali77]

OP. Look up Richard grannon on you tube. He has many many videos on narcs, grandiose but mainly covert. Also many on CPTSD which is the disordered thinking you generally end up with after being with one. He also does coaching and seminars alongside sam vaknin (diagnosed NPD who had to turn his life around after ending up in jail. He also does a lot of videos on the topic from the narcissistic pov)

[Sharkirasharkira]

Mine has just cut me off today (finally) and unfriended me because I refused to have sex with him (he has been with the girl he left me for for almost a year and has been cheating on her the whole time).

I told him I won't be his mistress or his dirty secret and surprise surprise he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Somehow I am still gutted. Maybe because I didn't have the guts to cut him off first. Finally I am free of the despicable cunt but I feel like I've lost him all over again

[orangechocolatey]

11 weeks no contact I've made it too! So proud of myself. Wanted to share. Hope everyone else is doing good 😊

[getoveritatlast]

I didn't contact him. Feel like it's even harder today because I'm feeling crappy and sorry for myself.
Wish I knew myself why it hurts so much. Just going round in circles beating myself up about everything

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

@getoveritatlast How did you get on?

@Whoknew2014 James Marsden is in it, so I'll definitely check that out, I need a new distraction lol

I'm struggling not to contact him. I was still in contact (I reached out this time) but I'm now being punished for not wanting to spend time with him - wasn't the case, but that's how he perceived it. So he has cut all contact again and unfriended me on social media.

Why does it hurt like hell when I know he is not right?

[Whoknew2014]

This is a great thread, thank you for the links. I'm a lighter note ... .Dead to Me is great. I particularly enjoyed the bit where one character's reading "Codependent no More" by the pool.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

Don't do it! Stay strong... I read something today... if we reach out, react, message... all we're doing is passing the control back to them. By not contacting him, you are in control.

Keep the control!

[getoveritatlast]

😓 this is shit

[OldAndWornOut]

Start thinking about all the times he has baited you for an argument, been passive aggressive, spoiled happy days for no discernable reason.

[youreonmylastnerve]

Haven't read the thread, but don't do it. You know it's a bad idea, or you wouldn't have posted.

[getoveritatlast]

I'm drunk!!! Someone talk to me so I don't think talking to this utter arsehole is a good idea!!!!

[mummmy2017]

Rename him,. Slimeball, on your phone.
Refer to him only ever in your head as this.
Then you can grieve for your ex as he died.... That man is no more ...
So nice you can separate the two. You can try to see this man as nasty, someone you would not date....
Write a list of Slimeballs bad points....
Everytime you feel the need to text him, run down your list see if you can add more, no matter how petty....

[Sharkirasharkira]

The funny thing is, right now I don't even want to message him. I don't want any contact with him, in fact the only reason I haven't blocked him completely on everything is that I'm holding on to evidence of his cheating on his new victim gf in case she finds out - so I can show her the truth and prove that I'm not a lying psycho bitch out to ruin his life.

I'm just angry and bitter than he instantly replaced me with someone 'better' and yet I'm the one who actually deserves happiness and I can't seem to have it. I know life isn't fair but just once I feel like it could cut me some fucking slack.

[redcarbluecar]

Hope you’re finding it helpful to post on here- there seems to be some good advice and support. I was wondering if, when you have the urge to message him, you could write to him instead (not to actually send), telling him how you feel. I did this once when I felt rejected and belittled by someone, and it helped me to collect and reflect on my personal thoughts. Anyway, whatever it takes, I hope you get through to the other side of this and can move on from him.

[Sharkirasharkira]

8 days no contact and counting....

Finding it hard today though. Not missing him as such but I still dream about him and I know he's off somewhere enjoying his life with his new victim source and it pisses me off that he is happy and with someone while I am alone and lonely

It feels so unfair. I'm a good person, I deserve to be with a good person and be treated right and yet almost all of my long term relationships have been abusive, with people who are just users. I'm trying so hard to break that cycle because I KNOW I deserve better.

But right now it feels like there is no justice in the world. He is the liar, the cheat, the user and abuser and yet HE gets a happy ending?!?! He leaves a trail of destruction and broken hearts in his wake and no one ever calls him out on it, that's why he continues to act this way because no one ever exposes the real him and there are no consequences for him. No reason to change. It's such bullshit

[OldAndWornOut]

Yes, you're right on every count, AnnaNimmity.
All of those things, and the rest.
I'm in a strange place at the minute; shellshocked, sad etc.
Glad you are the voice of reason.

[AnnaNimmity]

Cognitive dissonance. It's such a fucker, it really is.

[AnnaNimmity]

a friend doesn't call you fat. A person who loves you doesn't leave you over and over. doesn't cheat on you. Doesn't lie to you. Doesn't tell you to try harder. That it's your fault.

I know it's hard I've been there. Charisma and attention? yes. But not love.

But you know, it's not real. He'll be back (all of them come back). It's over when YOU decide it's over.

I can only recommend that you get counselling. And take yourself out of the cycle. You have the power.

[OldAndWornOut]

Well, there's a question..
Its impossible now, because I was contacted last week by his mum to tell me he died..
So, another load of grief, upset, anger, and I don't know how many other emotions.
I would say no though, I wouldn't have got back with him, but it would take all my strength not to.
I would have to think of all the spiteful things he did.

[getoveritatlast]

I think he does love me, I want to say I know he does. I know he'll eventually be back, I just have to be strong enough to say no and I don't think I ever will be that's what worries me. I mean I still want his approval I still want him to tell me I'm good enough. Why? Im a grown woman I shouldn't need that.
No one teaches you how to deal with this head fucking shit in school do they.
@OldAndWornOut would you go back to him now if he asked?

[OldAndWornOut]

I always think it might have been easier if my ex had beaten me up!
I still believe that he did love me in his own way, but he was not right in the head.
Drink, drugs; I don't know if they were a cause or a symptom.
He could be incredibly kind, and he had a lot of charisma..

[getoveritatlast]

It's so hard and tonight I miss him so much. We were friends for so long before we started any relationship and spoke every day. It's pathetic but it feels like he was my best friend aswel. I've thought so many times I can just ring and chat to him as my friend and that's it it doesn't need to be any more than that. It would never work tho I know. I'm determined to stay away 😔
I really don't know how many days will be enough? I feel like it's always going to be looming over me.
I'm keeping busy tho. Making lots of plans with friends and family for times when I know we would usually be together.
I just miss a cuddle.
Also feel like if I had some closure on it it wouldn't feel so crappy..

[OldAndWornOut]

You're doing very well! You should line up a treat for yourself when you get to however many days.
It is hard though, isn't it?