Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[Tartanwarrior]

I've been 3 weeks NC.

I know what you are going through.

Relationships with them is a double whammy. I feel that if my boundaries were strong to begin with, then I wouldn't have bought his crap.

But also, they are very very (very) good at knowing exactly what makes you tick. They then use it to get what they want ( your love/ admiration/ attention). If they are really smart, then they will have a fairly deep facade, yet the oozing slime underneath is the same: deceit, manipulation and no genuine feelings.
In the end, you have "lost" them when they are In full-fledged charm mode, and you are left with your own ( even more damaged) self esteem.
One day I just clicked. I could see he was lying. It still took me ages to leave though, as I wanted to have hope.
I agree that is is so hard to know what is " right", because he messed with your head for so long.

My plan is to keep working on repairing my self esteem, and my boundaries.

Thank you for this thread though- it seems we can all use support.

[getoveritatlast]

So I can't quite decide if I'm relieved or a bit disappointed he didn't make contact today. I want to choose relieved though. It's been a week since any contact now...feeling slightly better but also preparing for an almighty crash at some point? Is that normal. I'm
Abit worried incase I do have a downer and breakdown

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

Desperately wanted to contact ex today, I haven't but today was a tough one.

@tartanwarrior I'm with you on repairing self esteem and boundaries. I admire you for walking away, my ex left me.

[OldAndWornOut]

Choose to be relieved.
Holiday times are often spoilt by 'those' people.
You may have ended today in tears, wondering what the hell happened, with him storming off to bed, or lecturing you about all the things that are wrong with you...
Another day closer to being free from ever having to hear that shit again!

[OldAndWornOut]

My ex left me too.
Well, me, my grandkids, my daughter.
Didn't tell me; just went on Facebook to tell everyone how upset he was.
I only found out because someone came to my house to ask what was going on.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

Happy Easter @OldAndWornOut

It's a sad state of affairs when these are the 'men' we chose to have our hearts.

[OldAndWornOut]

Oh thank you!
Hope yours is happy too?

I must say, the world seems rather staid without the ex; he was brilliant fun at times, but at least life isn't like a rollercoaster these days.
They're fun, make your heart leap, but you have to get off eventually.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

As you said, another day closer of being free :)

I know what you mean... my ex and I were perfectly suited in terms of interests, etc. and had so many fun adventures and so many new ones planned - imperfectly perfect for each other.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

Has anyone had therapy or counselling? Where do you start looking for a reputable therapist that specialises in narcissistic abuse?

#struggling

[OurChristmasMiracle]

I’ve done both counselling and psychotherapy. Not with a specialist counsellor. I also did the freedom programme and I would recommend all of it.

It’s hard at first and you may feel worse before you get better but you WILL eventually feel better. You just need to stick at it.

[getoveritatlast]

@Getmyfrownupsidedown how are you feeling now??

[ItsAMiracle2015]

I was with my narcissist ex for 11 years (from the age of 20/21). At the end, he treated me so terribly, yet I apologised, begged, pleaded for him to just be nice to me. To treat me with even an ounce of respect. He didn't. On Christmas morning he told me he didn't love me anymore and had met someone else (who he'd tried to cheat on me, but she wouldn't be with him until he ended things with me). We have a 4 year old together. We had to spend the whole day together. In the evening, I begged and pleaded for him not to leave me. I cringe now thinking about it. Boxing day I packed his things and told him to leave. We arranged set days he sees his son and I deleted his number (so I'm not tempted to message him). I deleted Facebook etc so I wasn't tempted to hurt myself.

I can honestly say now that even if HE begged for me to give him another chance, I wouldn't. For the first couple of months I wrote down ALL the terrible, passive aggressive, disrespectful and just hurtful things he did/said. EVERY TIME I thought of him, I read that list. And I mean every, single, time.

You. Are. Worth. More.

Also, thanks @springydaff for the book recommendation. I've ordered it 👍😊.

[getoveritatlast]

What was the book please? I've just checked again and the link just shows my previous searches.
I'm feeling a lot better which worries me but I'm going to try and stay strong no matter what.
You are all inspiring me so much to be stronger and remember I don't need him. He made me so sad and feel so rubbish why would I want that!!!
Really hope one day I will be in the same boat as you and be able to say no to him. I mean why wouldn't I? Who misses silent treatments and constant insults and put you downs.
Hope we've all enjoyed bank holiday weekend

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

@getoveritatlast
Devastated. I broke NC. Nothing has changed except I feel ten times worse than I did and I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness, desperation, panic, anxiety and loss.

[ceecee32]

Hi OP. I have commented before.... I have sort of broken NC as well. Been onto a Facebook page for a group that he runs (and he has prob forgot I am on) . He is talking about new woman. Its like someone has stabbed me
I was much happier with the illusion that my counsellor gave me in that it wouldn't last and he would treat her exactly the same.
So why do I hate her and not him.

[AnnaNimmity]

op i've been in a similar situation as you - why would you want to go back to someone who's treated you so badly? Why would you go to someone who even now, when he is with someone else, is baiting you?

Isn't this an indication of what he's like? I know it's tempting to believe that they love you, that they are the one for you, but really? Look at what his actions not his words. He can tell you all you like that he loves you, but someone who loved you wouldn't leave you over and over again. Wouldn't make you feel so crap, so insecure.

I know it's hard. No contact, and counselling is the only way.

That link down the thread - the youtube one - was really helpful to me. He has another video on "How do you know when it's over with a narcissist" and the answer is always, when YOU decide it is. They will never leave you alone - to them, you belong to them.

Make the decision - move on. I promise you, it's a better world.

[Whatisgoingonwithmylife]

I am in this exact situation, 10 weeks of NC. Tonight I am broken and missing him but I won’t him, not tonight, not ever. He doesn’t deserve me. I don’t miss the silent treatments, worrying about where he’s at and with who, constantly having to walk on egg shells. I’m done, but I want the missing him and thinking about him to stop now. I’ve had enough of the pain.

[getoveritatlast]

@Getmyfrownupsidedown hope you've been ok today?
I'm awake now thinking about the what ifs.
It's quite tough to hear people who even after so long are still having the rough days.
None of us deserve to be made to feel so bad. @Whatisgoingonwithmylife that's pretty much what I keep reminding myself, how horrendous the silent treatment is. You're doing so well, I hope I get as far as you.
@ceecee32 it's so frustrating not to aim the anger at the wrong person.I keep checking his social media sites. Admittedly less frequently than before. The ultimate test for me would be hearing his voice or setting eyes on him and still being able to say this isn't for me even thought I know it isn't.

[Whatisgoingonwithmylife]

getoveritatlast good luck to you too. It’s so very difficult, isn’t it

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

@getoveritatlast I'm okay. Still trying to figure everything out and seeing if it can work itself out.

Big hugs all around for sharing

[AnnaNimmity]

getmyfrown- counselling. It's invaluable. It won't work itself out until you change yourself.

He will never change. But you can. Work on yourself. You are worth more than this man. So much more.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

@AnnaNimmity Thank you! It's just mentally and physically all consuming... and affecting my job which I love :(

I am trying to be strong.

[OldAndWornOut]

Keep on keeping on!

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

I think I've watched them all - headphones are constantly in lol

[OldAndWornOut]

You can tell I've spent the last few years listening and nodding my head!!

Its so hard, I know.
I used to wish I could be hypnotised or something.