Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[springydaff]

Melanie Tonia Evans is good for healing from narcissistic abuse xx

[getoveritatlast]

@OldAndWornOut managed to listen this morning. Makes a lot of sense..

[Scott72]

I said I'd walk forever. I said you won't ever have to hear from me again if you can just tell me that you don't care. Why won't he?

He doesn't care about you. But it amuses him to watch you squirm and beg. He enjoys manipulating you.

[getoveritatlast]

Yeah. That hit hard. I'm so pathetic

[springydaff]

You're beating up the wrong person.

What did you think of the SLAA link? Xx

[getoveritatlast]

I'm learning a lot and making abit more sense of how I'm feeling by reading bits.
I just can't accept that he really doesn't care? All the time we've spent together and all things we've done. Why would he have done all this for so long if he didn't care? We were best friends. I've just messed it up this time. How do I ever properly get over him?
We've been here before you see and I can stand strong, I can miss him terribly but stay away and not contact him, can be months. He always seems to come back tho, the minute he's in contact I fall to pieces, I get butterflies and I just fall back In to everything with him. How do I stop it from happening? He's never not come back. It's always him
that comes back tho. I clear my head and even tho I still think about him I don't let him know that. If he didn't care why does he come back 😔
This could be the time he doesn't I guess.

[MargoLovebutter]

You are not pathetic and you are not to blame for this arsehole's behaviour.

It is good that you are thinking about why you have tolerated it for so long.

I have a history of being attracted to arseholes and narcs and it is because I had a very dysfunctional childhood. I'm having therapy to try and help me stay away from people who make me unhappy in the future - might be something to think about for you too.

You will never change this man and as long as you are with him you will remain miserable. You know what you have to do and you know how hard it will be, but you have to think long-term here. Do you have friends who could help you stay strong and give you some support while you leave him, block him and move on?

[getoveritatlast]

I'm actually questioning that I've just made up the narcissistic part of him and it is just me. I wasn't controlled and abused?

[getoveritatlast]

My friends have all wanted me to be away from him for years. They all think he's destroyed me. They can't be there all the time though can they, everyone has a life of their own and bloody decent partners! I wish it was easier than this. I'm the strong one of the family and my friends. I don't show it when I'm falling to bits, I just hide away on my own and put on a brave face

[getoveritatlast]

Also know I'm rambling here. Beats messaging that Tosser tho I guess

[MargoLovebutter]

You are not rambling but you are trying to blame yourself for his behaviour and minimise what he has done.

If your friends all want you to be away from him, there is a reason for this. Friends usually like us and want the best for us and if they all think he has destroyed you, then they all think that for very good reasons.

You are strong, if you weren't, you couldn't possibly have put up with the kind of shit that you have done for so long. However, you shouldn't have to be in a relationship. You should be able to be yourself and be loved for who you are and find respect and support from your partner.

Please get all those great friends who think he is not good for you to support you and cut this man out of your life.

[PinkBlueStripes]

It does your head in. You can't think straight. You keep going back there but it's a toxic relationship. You are worth more OP

[OurChristmasMiracle]

OP have you looked into trauma bonding? It might help you understand better your relationship with him, and help you see how toxic it is.

Sending you strength.
(I was married to a violent narcissist, happily I’ve been completely free of him for almost 8 years)

[springydaff]

Sorry, I didn't understand your reply to the SLAA question? Have you considered going along to a group? Because reading about it won't make much difference, you have to do it.

It seems like you only want to talk about your addiction - him, basically - not look at being free - is that right? It seems like there's still a pay-off from being in your addiction rather than working on a way to get out. I don't know if that makes any sense to you.

[MollysLips]

I can't forgive you. But even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot rid myself of Love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

Even great poets like Wendy Cope have been burned by narcs!

[getoveritatlast]

I don't want to talk about him as such but walking round my house trying to put on a brave face when I feel sick and want to crumble it's the only thing that's helping right now, coming on here and telling strangers that he's a horrible person trying to convince myself.
I don't want to ever have to think about him, to get to the point in life where he doesn't cross my mind every two minutes would be lovely. Everytime he comes in to my mind my stomach flips. It's a horrible way to be living.
I feel like I'm going to break down again any minute. I don't see how I'd ever have time to go to any groups and wouldn't no where to start with getting some counselling? I can't get over an ex sounds abit of a silly excuse to be visiting someone.
Trauma bonding I will look in to tonight, I have a feeling it's going to be a long hard night

[babbi]

Its not you - it’s him - as they say .

It’s very hard and I feel for you.

I manage to cope by telling myself ..that yes I have the feelings for you but your behaviour hurts and upsets me , therefore I am not going to be in a relationship with you ( totally no contact for a while now )

It took the pressure from me of having the feelings and being annoyed and frustrated that they were there ...

Basically I’m saying I have the feelings but I will live with them in a way that I cannot be upset or harmed .. it is somehow easier?!

Hopefully one day the feelings will die but if not I’m still living away from emotional abuse

[babbi]

Sorry .. that was rambling ... what I mean is I moved myself to a mental place of safety...

Good luck OP ... come here if you need support but stay away from him

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way OP

I'm not sure how similar your ex is to mine (he's only been my ex - this time - for 4 days)... at first I decided I was a Love Addict and he was a Love Avoider... this was a 'brilliant' discovery as it looks like there may have been hope... but...but I had an enlightening moment thanks to threads like yours and the link put up by @OldandWornOut

I started delving deeper into the narcissist characteristics and found this dude:
www.youtube.com/channel/UC_P8aFACl-VqJl0flQPGMQQ/videos

... and my epiphany is, I'm an empath and my ex is an introverted covert narcissist. He had controlling tendencies, like if i didn't reply to a text in a certain amount of time I was quizzed relentlessly, who was I messaging, constant silent treatment for perceived bad behaviour, taking everything I said as a slight against him and saying i constantly criticised him, what about his feelings, the list goes on.

Now that I am accepting I am partly to blame - not for his behaviour, that's on him and only he can help himself - for being an empath - thinking the more love I showed him, the more he'd love me back - I'm researching ways to improve myself.

Not to get him back, that's a lost cause, but to make my self strong enough NOT to take him back or want him back.

I hope you find your epiphany soon!

[SandyY2K]

You're making a conscious choice to get back in touch with a man who treats you like crap.

Something must have happened in your life to make you think you don't deserve better than this.

Abusers abuse because you let them. You give them the power by being a part of their life.

Your poor decision making and low self esteem stem from somewhere.
That's what you need to explore in therapy, as it's illogical to deliberately chose to subject yourself to such treatment and then beg and apologise to the person who treated you this way.

I might come across as harsh, but you are giving this idiot power over you.

Only you can stop this...because if he does respond... the message will be you are fine with being treated like sh*t. If you're fine with that..he'll be fine with it to.

[SandyY2K]

you are not to blame for this arsehole's behaviour.

Absolutely true ... but allowing yourself to be mistreated repeatedly is something the individual has to take responsibility for.

A very important thing to remember is that
he who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

[PinkBlueStripes]

OP if it helps I've been there. I was part of it. Said and did things I'm not proud of. Oh the hardest thing is to leave. I had to get stronger first, gradually I was putting my energy towards my future, and then I saw my chance (a new job). I still couldn't decide if it was over. In the end I was so vile to him, it became a mutual end. He told me he needed time to heal. I know NOW I would walk right at the start of what he was like, if I ever came into someone like him again.

Honestly mine was not the worst person in the world. Just selfish, abusing and not a caring soul.

Yes there is something idyllic in what you are chasing, but that is often how it is with narcissm. Look around you at these friends with 'normal' relationships. Some of these may not be as perfect as they seem, but wouldn't it be lovely if it could be as easy to be that fulfilled? This short period of pain, while you separate, is so worth your future happiness

xx

[MrsBobDylan]

You are so caught up in the drama of addition that you are just going round and round repeating the same pattern to get your fix.

You need counselling. What you think you feel for this man isn't love or friendship. It's an overwhelming desire to be wanted by him. You have set up a pattern of pretending to split up and dropping contact, before rushing around like Cathy in Wuthering Heights making yourself ill trying to get him back. You seem addicted to the highs and lows.

Without counselling you are likely to squander years of your life in this way and that would be a massive waste.

[Meandwinealone]

God narcissists are so hard to leave. Because when you do you have to really confront why you stayed and that’s pretty hard.

It took me 3 years. Crazy isn’t it. And I don’t know what I would do if he wanted me back, I would hope I would be strong, but I’m not sure I would.

Time, you need to totally block him. So even if you end up checking up you have to unblock and then reblock
I did that about 50 times before I did it for real.

And yes get yourself to a therapist who knows about narcissistic people.

It’s bloody hard, it’s a trauma bond with an evil human being.
It is genuinely harder than giving up crack

[lifebegins50]

Anne Mccrea has an excellent book and also a FB and website.

Covert Narcisstics are often the hardest to recover from. Their tactics are covert and therefore constantly make you question yourself.
The reality is that they are incapable of love but because they need people to adore them they do a fantastic job of making you fall hard for them. Outwardly Ex is everything a woman would want, he isn't brash or over confident as you imagine a narcisstic character would be. He is however very manipulative and only by standing back and seeing how he treats the DC and now his new gf that it becomes clear. It helped me to understand that I was just an object to him, if you provide what they want then you will get the nice person. If you show you are a real person with normal needs they will punish you by treating you cruelly.

Writing a journal of all the incidents, detailing how much contempt he had for you and how often you cried does help because slowly you know that he is not capable of loving you.

I have a good friend whose Ex is very similar and it is bizarre how they act the same. You really need distance from him so that you can start to see his tactics rather than be sucked in by them. It takes a while, I am 2.5 years down the line and still not 100% recovered but I know what he is, and know I had to get away. I am still sad and grieving for what was lost, as we have DC, but he is disordered and so far there is no cure.

Out of interest what was his childhood like? It tends to be a highly abusive childhood or enmeshed childhood, although I think genetics also plays a part.
Science will provide the answers but not in time to help us so you have to go NC. There is lots of material on YT to help with recovery but ultimately you have to decide you are moving on.