Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

Don't do it! Stay strong... I read something today... if we reach out, react, message... all we're doing is passing the control back to them. By not contacting him, you are in control.

Keep the control!

[Whoknew2014]

This is a great thread, thank you for the links. I'm a lighter note ... .Dead to Me is great. I particularly enjoyed the bit where one character's reading "Codependent no More" by the pool.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

@getoveritatlast How did you get on?

@Whoknew2014 James Marsden is in it, so I'll definitely check that out, I need a new distraction lol

I'm struggling not to contact him. I was still in contact (I reached out this time) but I'm now being punished for not wanting to spend time with him - wasn't the case, but that's how he perceived it. So he has cut all contact again and unfriended me on social media.

Why does it hurt like hell when I know he is not right?

[getoveritatlast]

I didn't contact him. Feel like it's even harder today because I'm feeling crappy and sorry for myself.
Wish I knew myself why it hurts so much. Just going round in circles beating myself up about everything

[orangechocolatey]

11 weeks no contact I've made it too! So proud of myself. Wanted to share. Hope everyone else is doing good 😊

[Sharkirasharkira]

Mine has just cut me off today (finally) and unfriended me because I refused to have sex with him (he has been with the girl he left me for for almost a year and has been cheating on her the whole time).

I told him I won't be his mistress or his dirty secret and surprise surprise he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Somehow I am still gutted. Maybe because I didn't have the guts to cut him off first. Finally I am free of the despicable cunt but I feel like I've lost him all over again

[supercali77]

OP. Look up Richard grannon on you tube. He has many many videos on narcs, grandiose but mainly covert. Also many on CPTSD which is the disordered thinking you generally end up with after being with one. He also does coaching and seminars alongside sam vaknin (diagnosed NPD who had to turn his life around after ending up in jail. He also does a lot of videos on the topic from the narcissistic pov)

[orangechocolatey]

Its such a horrible feeling isn't it? You're so much better than that. Hope you can stay strong and get away from the horrible excuse of a man.
I'm having a funny night tonight. He's not been on my mind like this for a while and I don't like it. I'm doubting everything and making myself feel rubbish. Why now after so long am I about to start this all over again.
Will definitely do some YouTube searches thank you

[orangechocolatey]

18 weeks and for some reason tonight he is all I can think about. Why why why.