Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[Sharkirasharkira]

OP, I could have written your posts virtually word for word! I know it's not much comfort with how you feel right now but you are not alone. And it is NOT your fault. You are not to blame for him treating you badly. You have essentially been brainwashed for years into thinking you have to do anything to keep him happy, I did exactly the same! It is so so hard but it will pass. I still have to keep telling myself this. It will get better.

You deserve so much more x

[ceecee32]

I dont want to derail your thread but i said earlier that I am just getting out the other side.

Today - he passed the organisation of the social group that we used to do together over to me. I wanted to ask him to stay, ask if he would stay in the group - but i didn't, instead I just replied to his messages in a friendly way.

Its becoming clear to me the way that he has always kept me hanging on and waiting for more - he said that he would be in touch in the next couple of weeks to sort out the remaining membership money and then we need to meet up 'sometime' to finalise things.

I feel a bit sad that it has come to this, pleased with myself that I didnt ask him to stay (and sorry that I didnt ask at the same time) but I know that this is the best way forward for me. I hope that in time that I wont care about him - but right now I feel as if I just want to make things right between us. Common sense tells me that this is a false hope...

I do hope that the OP moves forward and gets out of the hell when she is ready

[getoveritatlast]

It's really lovely reading all your responses and it is helping. I had a hard day today, I woke up this morning and I have felt nothing but sick and on the edge of tears. I am so proud of myself for not caving today and contacting him. I have been out for a couple of drinks with a friend, I didn't even mention the man(although many times he came in to my head). I got home about 9:30 and I was on the brink of tears heading home wondering how I was going to get through the night alone. Yet here I am, still standing strong and not getting in contact.
@ceecee32 you are a much stronger person than me. I am so scared of how il react if and when he gets in touch. I have a horrible feeling il totally let myself down burst in to tears and ask him for a cuddle!!
I know deep down that I don't really want that. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.
I do feel abit brains washed actually.
Why can't I wake up tomorrow and forget he ever exists!

[OldAndWornOut]

I'm almost 3 years down the line and no contact, but there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of my ex.
It was such a wonderful time when we were first together, and for quite a lot the years following, but there were always niggles, worries, some out of the blue spiteful things, and still now, some 'lightbulb' moments which show up some appalling things he did.
It seems such a waste of something which was so good, but I was losing myself in trying to constantly keep him happy.

[OhioOhioOhio]

They are very good at what they do. It isn't you. Really.

[Meandwinealone]

If youre a lovely normal empathetic person
You just can’t understand it from their pov

It’s just incomprehensible

That’s what I find hardest. It took me years. And no narcissist is the same. Mine was so lovely and still is mainly.

Sadly I can’t get fully rid of him. Which is ehh I ended up getting sucked back in over and over

Even today I nearly got sucked back in. And it’s been YEARS

I would thank god if you don’t have to continue a relationship of some kind with him

[ceecee32]

@getoveritatlast No I'm not strong, I would give anything for a hug and to have him back. It's just not on offer at the minute as he is treating me to the 'discharge stage' but he is still promising more contact in the future so it keeps me waiting.

[getoveritatlast]

Ahhhh Jesus I know and always have that it was never going to be my happy ever after but I bloody love him so much!!! It's torture isn't it. I'm wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking of me at all times.
It feels like the nice weather is making me feel worse. I should be with him out somewhere having a lovely time. I'm on my
own today, I've nearly crumbled and messaged him twice already. I need to get a grip of myself

[ErrmWTAF]

Sorry op, but tough love here. You do NOT love him - stop saying that. About the closest I'll allow you is that you love what he could have been . But you know he isn't really that, don't you. Everything nice he has ever done has been for one reason and one reason only - to make himself feel good. It's all a front and it works out juuuusssst fiiiinnnne for him.

Not so much his victims - you and this latest gal.

You asked for reading? Mumsnetters (including me) are always recommending ChumpLady - it's predominantly about infidelity, but so much of that crosses over with abusive relationships and narcissists. What he wants from you is kibbles. He wants attention, and how fucking dare you use any of your own brain, heart, soul to think about yourself, or people who are actually worthy of your love?!?

Nay lass, your rightful place is to dance attendance on him when and where he demands and, in between, he still gets to - in the immortal words of Wil Wheaton to Sheldon Cooper - "live, rent free, right up here" >pointing to your head<

Doesn't that make you angry? Get angry! Scum like him are a dime a dozen. You're worth rubies. Be your own best friend and advise your best friend to cut all contact with him.

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

I searched narcissist on Youtube and have been listening on loop to anything and everything. Headphones in practically all week.

Whatever works. Now 4 days NC.

[Lilybetsey]

I’m 32 months out of a relationship with a narc. No contact for the last 18 months. I think about him every day, and I Don’t believe I will ever be in another relationship again, I’m 54 now.

I’ve been in therapy since the day he left and I am so much stronger and better than I was, but that initial love, connection and happiness was like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know it wasn’t real - because he is not who he pretended to be, but I so wish it had been.

My life is much better now, calmer, more balanced, and I am no longer suicidally unhappy .... but I think about him every day. I take comfort that it’s not every 2 minutes like it used to be, and I know I will never go back - I love what I thought he was, but I don’t like him as he really is ...

It’s just very very hard to process ...

[Meandwinealone]

For anyone who hasn’t been with a full blown narc. You don’t just leave. You just can’t. It’s not that simple.

[getoveritatlast]

Coming for a rant. I want to ring him, I want to cuddle him. Writing on here is going to stop that isn't it. It's going to distract me. I thought I'd done really well today. I even didn't care at one point of the day, well I didn't think I cared, clearly I did and it's just an act, I'm just pretending. I'm going to go for a bath and maybe some YouTube videos then thank you. Will also have a read of the suggestion.

[OldAndWornOut]

I felt exactly the same for a long, long time.
Really, distraction is the best way forward, minute by minute if necessary.
Apparently, if you keep focusing on something (or someone) your brain becomes programmed to do that habitually.
You can even say "No!" and make yourself think of something else, and it will eventually form new ways of thinking.
No idea if that may be a load of old crap, but, well, give it a go.

[getoveritatlast]

Ahhhh I'm trying! Feels abit pathetic constantly having to have something to distract me but it is working. Why does my mind wander back to him everytime I stop for a second.
It's also a really good way to diet, I have zero appetite at all times right now!!

[OldAndWornOut]

Well, I suppose because you have been trained by him to always focus on him?
Supposing all the narcissism stuff is correct, and assuming he is one, then the main focus of everything is about them, isn't it?
Done something good? That's because he helped you.
Done something bad? That's because you didn't listen to him.
Feel poorly? He is always ill and nobody cares.
Feel great? Well, he'll soon put paid to that!
Looking forward to something?
Not if he has anything to do with it, because in the blink of an eye the whole event will be about keeping him happy, checking he is ok, and that nobody upsets him, and that he doesn't drink too much, etc etc etc.

[getoveritatlast]

That is all so true. When I know it's all true and he's a wanker why can't I just get over it like I want to 🤔 it's fucked up

[OldAndWornOut]

I read somewhere its like a gambling addiction.
You keep feeding your money into a fruit machine, and every now and then it gives you a little win.
Sometimes two or three in a row, and that reinforces to you that you're going to get your reward if you keep feeding it for long enough.
Then, when you do hit the jackpot its such a high!
Never mind all that you've put in - its called intermittent reinforcement, and its how dogs are trained.
Firstly with a reward every time they behave, then with a reward sometimes, and sometimes with just praise.
The effect is that the dog is entirely and completely focused on doing what you've asked, in anticipation of the reward, whether it happens or not, after a while.
Total obedience!

[ErrmWTAF]

OP (and others) you are not pathetic!

You know how courage isn't the absence of fear, but carrying on even if you're afraid? Well, successfully getting over a narc isn't never thinking about him, but stopping yourself from damaging yourself by letting him back in. Look at it like that.

[DeeCeeCherry]

You're addicted to him. I was the same with Narc ex and years later I cringe at the absolute crap I put up with. Thought I couldn't live without him or be with another man. I wouldn't even look at someone like that now.

When it eventually got too much I had to go cold turkey, force myself not to call him. Block him on phone and social media.

Gave myself a good talking to - it's plain stupid to waste your life over a horrible man, and act as if you'll die for lack of him.

They're so good at reeling you in, that's the trouble. I took 5-HTP for a good while, which stopped me feeling down. Socialised and had a holiday...No sitting around moping, when no doubt Mr Narc was on to his next target, whilst still trying to contact me occasionally.

I've been with my lovely DP for a few years now. Thank God I got away from the Narc and stopped wasting my years on him. You'll feel the same eventually OP if you put in the work and stay away from him.

There are faults within us that cause us to want to hang onto such people and we have to face that too, harsh as it is. You'll know what yours are. I knew what mine were. We all do, just have to be brave enough to address it.

[getoveritatlast]

Another day I've got through. Feeling proud of myself and so hopefully I'm making progress. I will not crumble. I deserve so much more

[OldAndWornOut]

Well done!
Bloody ridiculous state of affairs, isn't it?
Getting in such a state about such a knobhead...
Good on you for being strong.

[getoveritatlast]

He's the first thing that pops in to my head when I wake up still but at least I've not burst in to tears. Happy Easter everyone. Last Easter was the last time he had stopped speaking to me. He left a bag full of Easter eggs out for me today, about 10, all my favourite kinds of chocolate. Obviously being so silly I fell straight back in to his arms thinking that was proof of how much he cared.
I'm going to spend the day with my family and have a bbq, another beautiful day weatherwise. Here's to hoping to be strong again today.

[Meandwinealone]

You mean you fell back into his arms last year?
I hope not today.,
Have a lovely day.

[getoveritatlast]

Not today. Standing strong 💪🏻