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Original poster

Is that a red flag? Should I be worried?

246 replies

Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 01:51

Hello. Apologies for such a late message but I can’t sleep - too many things on my mind.
I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and we have been living together for the last 4 months. The thing is that I haven’t met anybody from his side. He hasn’t introduced me to his parents nor friends.
When asked, he says that he likes to keep it private and I never actually get to hear a good explanation or a reason.
Should I just leave it as I don’t want to be seen as the one who is forcing the issue? On the other hand, it does worry me. Is a sign of a lack of commitment on his side?
What do you think I should do?
Many thanks in advance for your advice.

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 12/04/2019 01:54

It would concern me.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 01:56

Well, it's unusual and not the norm. I wouldn't be very happy not to know anything at all. To not want to give any explanation beyond "its private" to you as his girlfriend isn't really enough.

OldAndWornOut · 12/04/2019 01:57

I think its reasonable to want to at least know why.
It doesn't bode well.

grincheux · 12/04/2019 02:04

That sounds odd, then again he might have his reasons. Have you done any digging?

OldAndWornOut · 12/04/2019 02:08

Do you have any children, Crazygirl?

Monty27 · 12/04/2019 02:12

I'd be thinking there's someone else in the frame.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2019 02:17

I would be thinking that he has a past that he doesnt want you to know about, and he is frightened you will find out about if you meet his family. Does he actually have friends do you know? Does he ever go out without you?

BitOfFun · 12/04/2019 02:17

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's somebody else, but it is concerning that he won't share this part of his life or even explain why.

What on earth do you even talk about? He sounds very closed off.

MsDogLady · 12/04/2019 02:19

After 16 months he should not be excluding you. You deserve to be included in his important relationships.

If my partner wanted to isolate me from his family and friends, I would move on.

ItsSomeKindOfWonderful · 12/04/2019 02:20

Major red flags. You've been with him 16 months and you live together and haven't met anyone connected to him? I wouldn't have moved in with him... or indeed stayed with him for so long without a bloody good explanation. Why is it only now you're having sleepless nights worrying about it?

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:26

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them. I have worried about that before - I have decided to post it on mumsnet and ask for people’s opinions and advice.
He doesn’t seem to be close to his parents he visits them on Christmas , Easter , their birthdays. Friendwise - from what I know/hear he doesn’t have a lot friend but there are definitely at least a couple.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 02:27

How did you meet? Did you not ever meet up with him and his friends for a night out or anything?

notangelinajolie · 12/04/2019 02:29

Is he married?

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:30

Every time I’ve asked him I got pretty much the same answer - he likes to “keep it private”. I did tell him that it made me feel like I was his little secret and that maybe he thinks our relationship won’t last.
He does treat me well otherwise and financially he is quite generous. So I am confused whether he is genuinely serious about me or he is just using me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:31

He is definitely not married.
And no - never been out with his friends!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:32

We met online.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 12/04/2019 02:32

I think I would have to do a bit of investigating.
I love a mystery!

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 02:33

I would ask him again, and when you get the "I like to be private" response again I would tell him that given where you're at with your relationship that isn't good enough and he needs to give you a proper explanation.

Do his parents/family know about you at all?

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:34

I have children and so does he. His children are grown up. We are both in our 40s.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:37

That’s a good question , AssassinatedBeauty. I asked him that the other day and got a very muddled up answer -“ I told them I met you “. When I asked him if they knew my name , he said that he told them my name ages ago but they probably forgotten! My gut feeling was that they don’t know about existence!

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 12/04/2019 02:41

There is something very fishy about it, I would say.
How can a relationship flourish when there is a whole section of his life that you aren't privy to?
Not to mention that he could be hiding something bad..

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 02:41

I know that he had a few failed relationship in the past (the last relationship ended up in a very acrimonious way) and maybe that made him wary of introducing new people to his parents. Or am I just making accused? Sometimes it’s difficult to think straight when you are in the middle of it.

OP posts:
Poppins2016 · 12/04/2019 02:47

My general rule is that if you have to ask the 'red flag' question, your gut is already telling you that there's an issue. I would be inclined to interpret it by thinking you're more committed/invested than he is...

OldAndWornOut · 12/04/2019 02:48

Well, most people have had failed relationships, so I can understand someone holding back a bit, but if you meet someone you love enough to live with, then surely its time to make it known.

MsDogLady · 12/04/2019 02:50

I would have expected to meet his parents last Christmas, as it had been a year. You should already have met his good friends.

Do your children live with you?