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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is that a red flag? Should I be worried?

246 replies

Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 01:51

Hello. Apologies for such a late message but I can’t sleep - too many things on my mind.
I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and we have been living together for the last 4 months. The thing is that I haven’t met anybody from his side. He hasn’t introduced me to his parents nor friends.
When asked, he says that he likes to keep it private and I never actually get to hear a good explanation or a reason.
Should I just leave it as I don’t want to be seen as the one who is forcing the issue? On the other hand, it does worry me. Is a sign of a lack of commitment on his side?
What do you think I should do?
Many thanks in advance for your advice.

OP posts:
TessaL23 · 12/04/2019 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TessaL23 · 12/04/2019 09:12

Oops sorry meant to post this on another thread 😳

5LeafClover · 12/04/2019 09:19

It sounds like he's a taker. He's moved into your life and your networks but he's not brought any of his to the relationship. And his kids are low contact. And he's trying to brush it off as if it's normal.

I think you have to be wary. Even if it's not a criminal/ double life thing that would be a huge red flag for me.

Letterkennie · 12/04/2019 09:28

He is keeping something HUGE from you.

AventaRizon · 12/04/2019 09:28

It would concern me that he hardly ever has any contact with his parents or his adult children, and that he doesn't really have any friends. And that he doesn't really have any reason for not introducing you to anybody he knows.

Why does he want to keep his relationship with you a secret?

Is he really who he says he is?

Letterkennie · 12/04/2019 09:30

There’s a podcast series called “who the hell is hamish” which this thread has made me think of.

OP I would go on research overdrive about him.

Letterkennie · 12/04/2019 09:31

Is he using you as his hiding place?

Candymay · 12/04/2019 09:40

What does he do for a living and have you seen the place of work and met any colleagues? He is hiding his life from you. I have a lot of personal experience in this area. I would research to the 9nth degree and then research more.

TheFaerieQueene · 12/04/2019 09:50

His children being low or no contact with him is concerning. I wonder if he has changed his name?

Tinkerbellx · 12/04/2019 09:51

So you moved in with this man after 12 months , with children involved and you hadn't met one single member of his family / friends or work colleagues ?

Maybe I'm a bit over the top cautious but I was only thinking about my partner joining me and dc for dinner at around the 12 month mark ..... still enjoying the dating and getting to know each other bit for the first year.

Sorry but he should be so proud to have you and your dc in his life and he's not showing it . Somethings missing .

Bookworm4 · 12/04/2019 09:59

My concerns would be;
A) he has a criminal record
B) his kids cut him off
C) DV background
D) has another woman
E) worst case; sex offender

Sarahlou63 · 12/04/2019 10:12

I've been with my partner for 10 years and have never met his family or friends! He doesn't have children and his parents died many years ago. One of his 2 brothers died recently but I couldn't go to the funeral (and he didn't want me to - he doesn't get on with the SIL). I've met work colleagues once. No red flags, that's just the way he is. Maybe your guy is the same.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 10:12

Bookworm4, what is DV background ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 10:14

You are all so right. Can’t believe I’ve put up with that for so long accepting his flimsy ‘explanations’. I am going to have a serious talk with him tomorrow when the children are out.

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 12/04/2019 10:16

Nah - when you are living together, you should have no big secrets. You should know each others 'private' things; religion, family, earnings and finances...

'Keeping it private' is not on. And agree with PPs, he is keeping something from you, or you from something.

Either you know who he is, or he gets out.

RhubarbTea · 12/04/2019 10:21

DV = domestic violence.

Something is really not right about this. It is setting all of my alarms off and my first thought was sex offender or someone lying low and using you as a cover. Brr.

Beargrin · 12/04/2019 10:32

Yes!! So weird. Get rid.

Candymay · 12/04/2019 10:34

Sarahlou63 that’s red flags. Huge ones. Sorry if you think I’m out of turn but the flags are huge.

Sarahlou63 · 12/04/2019 10:47

@Candymay - why?

He's in his 60's, amicably divorced more that 25 years and I know about his previous relationships. He works on contract around Europe but is at home for long periods. He's just a loner, that's all. Thinking about it, he's only met my parents once in these 10 years. Some people just don't have strong family ties or a close circle of friends.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 11:01

I think it depends on whether you are comfortable with that or not. If meeting his family/friends doesn’t bother you and you know that he is a loner and everything else is fine and works for both of you, that’s maybe it’s ok.
In my case, I am not comfortable with that. I know that he introduced his previous partner to them and according to him his parents liked her. They’ve split up a few years ago (no children and no contact) but the point is he introduced her to them but he hasn’t introduced me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 11:02

Why? Why not me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 11:05

I do appreciate that they may not be the easiest/nicest of people but that’s not he point. We could have met briefly over a couple of coffee or something - just a brief introduction. However, from what I feel they don’t even know I exist!
One of you on here said that he knows that it bothers me yet he has done absolutely nothing about it.

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 12/04/2019 11:23

Does your children’s father know that you’ve moved his children in with a man you know nothing about? TBH I would put money on him being a sex offender and right now you are putting your children at huge risk even being with him. If SS get wind of this and he is on the register you could lose your kids.

Sorry but it was bloody irresponsible to move in with him in the first place given you knew absolutely nothing about him.

Sarahlou63 · 12/04/2019 11:26

How about taking matters into your own hands and inviting the parents over for lunch? Or taking them out to lunch in their home town?

BiscuitDrama · 12/04/2019 11:27

What’s he like on Facebook?
Are you in a relationship with him? See friends of his on there etc?
Does he seem to have friends and talk about them?