Is that a red flag? Should I be worried?

[Crazygirl2019]

Hello. Apologies for such a late message but I can’t sleep - too many things on my mind.
I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and we have been living together for the last 4 months. The thing is that I haven’t met anybody from his side. He hasn’t introduced me to his parents nor friends.
When asked, he says that he likes to keep it private and I never actually get to hear a good explanation or a reason.
Should I just leave it as I don’t want to be seen as the one who is forcing the issue? On the other hand, it does worry me. Is a sign of a lack of commitment on his side?
What do you think I should do?
Many thanks in advance for your advice.

I would be very concerned tbh - 16 months is along time to have never met family or friends in when you are in serious relationship

My children live with me and he has met my family and some of my friends.
I never met his children (they are grown up and he hardly ever sees them).
I did say to him that I made myself very vulnerable by introducing him to the important people in my life and that he, on the other hand, has got a safety blanket - if we do break up , nobody from his side will know that I ever existed. He was denying it all saying it’s not the case .

I have to say it, even though it sounds awful, but I wouldn't want my children around someone with a huge 'gap' in their life history.
Not even sure your children are still at home, so apologies if I'm wrong.

He was talking about engagement at some point and plans for the future . I asked him how he could get engaged to someone his parents never met. The response was if we did get engaged, I would introduce you to the parents.

I'd be moving on from this relationship very quickly, there are any number of explanations why he is like this and I can't find any positive ones.

Is he isolating you from seeing or entertaining your friends or family?

Do you find now you have lived with him for 4 months, that he isn't quite the same or doing what was projected as a future as when you were talking and getting to know each other via the internet?

It rings bells for me that he doesn't get on or have a close relationship with anyone outside of your relationship. That is odd.

Do you go out together?

Does he work? Have you met any of his colleagues?

Honestly, I would remove myself and my children from this relationship. He knows that this situation bothers you, yet he has taken no action. He just gives you vague answers and keeps you in your compartment.

Nah. There's something to hide.

Very worrying behaviour.
He is hiding something.... sorry to say .
Tread very carefully here .... my ex SIL was in this position... eventually when she did meet his family it was a horror story ....

he was bad through and through ... had even been in prison for a while ...

Very odd indeed. I would be doing a bit of digging. Does he go out alone much? Work away from home? Is he open with his feelings? I think there is something in the closet.

I have to say it, even though it sounds awful, but I wouldn't want my children around someone with a huge 'gap' in their life history

I'm sorry, but I agree, I think you are taking an enormous risk with your children's safety.

It's all sounding very weird. I don't think it's a red flag though, I think it's more like a huge red banner.

What sort of job does he have, and have you met any of his colleagues?

Where was he living when you met? Are you both from the same area? If so, do you ever bump into people he knows when you are out and about? What sort of dates did you go on when you were getting to know each other? Did you ever to his house before you moved in together? (somehow I am assuming that he moved in with you...)

I do wonder if you have any evidence at all that he is who he says he is. I think when we meet someone new, we learn an awful lot about them from those that they have in their close circle. How much do you know about him - not things that he has told you, but things that there is evidence for? Is there lots of paperwork to confirm his name, previous address, job etc?

I can understand that there may be all sorts of reasons why he might not have a good relationship with his family, but to not introduce you to any friends either?

You are obviously concerned about this as you have posted about it. This is your gut instinct telling you that something is not right. Use this to evaluate things and to decide if this relationship is right for you and your DC.

You moved this man in with your children and you haven’t even met his friends and family? Omg.

He could literally be anyone.

This is a huge red flag. Sorry to say this but this is how bigamists behave. And I know this from experience. You should never have a relationship with someone who has a huge gap in their history. You need to meet family and friends to know the person properly. Do you have young children at home with you? This is a dangerous situation for you all.

I’d be worried - he could be anyone - ie not. Who he says he is - he could be no contact as he’s done something bad and or been in prison - I’d be worried if my children are young.
Can you check under Claire’s law to give you some peace of mind.
Where was he living before he met you.
Have you googled his name to see if anything comes up.
Sorry but no one is that private.

im amazed you moved in with someone without meeting their friends or family. do they ever call him or does he ever meet up with them?

It sounds more to me that he just does not take care of his relationships. Does not really bother with kids, family, friends. So rather than anything shady, he is really superficial and will bore you to tears within five years. He just doesn't engage with these people and can't be bothered to tell them. People who are uninterested in others are so dull!! They tend to have no curiosity generally

I didn't take my husband to meet my family at all for the first two years, but I really thought he'd be put off- they're bonkers!

Morning everybody and thanks for taking the time to reply and comment.
He doesn’t isolate me from seeing family or friends at all. We do go out together regularly and we do all kinds of things - go shopping, go for walks, play sport together, go to the gym. He is pretty much ‘get up and go person’. We had lots of dates before we moved in together and again we did different things - going out for dinners, going for walks, playing sport etc
He doesn’t spend a lot of time away at all. He is with me most of the time . He works a lot from home.
We come from different cities so I don’t really bump into somebody that he might know.
When we were dating I would spend time in his place and stay over the weekend there quite often. I didn’t see anything suspicious.
I did google him and again couldn’t find anything fishy.
He only sees his family for Christmas , Easter and their birthdays.
I did ask him again this morning and he said that he is not close to his family and he can’t just turn up on their doorstep with me.

I probably wouldn't get pregnant any time soon.

This might be who he is. He might not tell you anything, his parents anything or his friends. All in your own little pigeon hole.

He doesn't see much of his kids either, he definitely doesn't care about tending to relationships but that goes both ways, why don't they want to see him?

It is a strange scenario.

Did he move into your place? Does he pay his way?

That's very odd he wishes to keep family and friends private from you. So something is going on here he is not telling you. He has a secret.

Is there a cultural impact here?

My DH is very low contact with his family, but even I met them briefly in the first year!
I’ve not met his siblings as they live overseas and are completely NC but DH was completely honest about that from the start.
He has a very difficult family and I totally understand why, but he wasn’t secretive. OP I don’t find the not meeting his family that strange but when combined with the no explanation it is very worrying indeed. And when you add friends to the mix it is even weirder. I’d be concerned.

I do agree that maybe his family is odd/difficult and maybe that’s why he is reluctant to introduce us. But meeting up with his friends for a drink? I asked that too. Excuses , excuses - we live too far from them, we don’t have time, they don’t have time.
He sees his kids for major holidays just like his parents. There’s no much contact between them which I find strange. He said they are grown up, have jobs and have their own lives.
I did say that even meeting somebody from his side very briefly would be great.
He does live with me and he pays his way but I am thinking more and more whether he is just using me for a convenient life - his needs are catered for, food is there, the clothes washed and ironed.

Or maybe he is holding out for someone - he is with me till he meets someone better? I did ask him that too. He reassured me that his future is with me but actions speak louder than words.