Is that a red flag? Should I be worried?

[Crazygirl2019]

Hello. Apologies for such a late message but I can’t sleep - too many things on my mind.
I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and we have been living together for the last 4 months. The thing is that I haven’t met anybody from his side. He hasn’t introduced me to his parents nor friends.
When asked, he says that he likes to keep it private and I never actually get to hear a good explanation or a reason.
Should I just leave it as I don’t want to be seen as the one who is forcing the issue? On the other hand, it does worry me. Is a sign of a lack of commitment on his side?
What do you think I should do?
Many thanks in advance for your advice.

TheGodmother, he wasn’t horrible to the children . He tried to help me discipline them, would tell them off on occasions but we had good times as well to be fair. With all the crap that he has, he did try to teach them some good stuff as well like respect each other, etc He would tell me that my kids don’t do as they are told etc My girl is upset because I think she liked him and the boy seems to be ok. I didn’t tell them the details - just explained that things didn’t work out between us and we decided to go our separate ways but we will be ok because we’ve got each other. This sort of thing. Children are resilient so I hope they will be ok. Thank you for asking.

That’s why I can’t get my head around it - nice, caring, supportive one minute and ,as soon as things are not done his way, I see a different person.

Perhaps he's just a person that Will Not Be Told!
But to have had such an extreme reaction does make you wonder what really is behind it.

Regardless of the reason though, I think you have definitely done the absolute right thing.
It is all one sided and it would have always reared it's ugly head and caused problems.

Try searching him here op

pipl.com

It does a better search than google. Use his phone number or email. I know he's leaving but you still might want to know.

It's fair enough to want to know a bit about someone's background that you are in a relationship with. Sometimes people like this are absolutely master manipulators and have worked for years crafting their technique. An extreme example of this can be seen in the Netflix series 'Dirty John' and it's really frightening stuff. Take care

Yes. Absolutely. Wish I'd known this before but hey, I'm still alive anyway. Probably still in love with his ex who he did let himself be seen to be with. Just. Run.

well done op. his mask slipped when he realised you were on to him

Crazygirl.

So glad you are rid of him. For the love of your kids too. You all deserve so much better!

Read back on your last post (can't cut and paste) and take it as your mantra going forward in life.

And remember, your intuition is spot on. Remember that too. It will stand you in good stead.

Also, if he leaves, nobody will put up with my teenage children and the way they behave etc

What. a. little. cunt.

OP if your children were Satan and Hitler he should be politely pretending they are angelic darlings if he's trying to wheedle his way back in. The fact that he isn't doing that, says to me that he was an absolute knob about them when he lived with them. No wonder they didn't "obey" him - who the fuck would obey some random man who clearly hates them?

It sounds like you were grateful for being in a relationship with him and that’s why you didn’t push too hard regarding meeting his family and friends. In the beginning of the thread you made it sound like that you thought you were the reason you hadn’t been introduced, “am I not good enough?” etc.

Whatever his issues with his family and friends were, it sounds like they were significant enough for him to choose to blame/ attack you rather than let you in enough to be honest.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out but moving someone into your home who you really didn’t know was, especially when you have kids, was incredibly foolhardy.

Just because it's a legal name change doesn't mean he's not got something awful to hide - Jon venables name changes are legal and will be on his driving licence/passport. Plus there is such a thing as forged documents, would you even know how to spot that? Most people wouldn't.

"No, it was one person pretending to be something he wasn't."

Exactly! The person you fell for never existed, it was a facade.

as soon as things are not done his way, I see a different person.

Yep.

Well done on 'being dumped'

Just make sure you've got all his stuff packed up, no excuse for him to come into the house, locks already changed and someone there when he comes to get his things (ideally someone a lot bigger than him).

There are clearly other things going on with this guy you knew nothing about - he was very clever at hiding them, but that's what red flags are - when the person plays a good game, but there is something that doesn't add up.

Be more careful next time OP. I agree with a lot of others on this thread - I'm pretty that you'd pregressed with this guy to him living with your kids when, quite frankly, he could be anyone - no independent verification at all.

My guesses would be - prison record (poss sex offender), seeing other people, general fraudster, or simply a bit of a sociopath.

Lucky escape!

You know he really is a dick isn't he, the one way you get to apparently meet his friends is when your dumped 🙄

What a tool

Hi everybody.
Packed his bags and left them outside. Deliberatly went out for the day so that I wouldn’t see him.
He messaged me with apologies. I didn’t reply - it’s a bit late for that.
Hopefully, that’s the end of it. Lesson learnt!

Nicely played OP. Good move. Hope you are ok. Glad you figured it out now rather than be married and have kids. That would be a complete mess to try and get yourself out of way too late.

Keeping things ‘private’ is all very well when you’ve only been dating two or three months but after 16 months and now living together it’s just downright weird and a massive red flag. He’s hiding something.

I doubt very much that I will ever find out what he is hiding.
My gut feeling is that it’s all about his past relationships. He told me that his two previous partners cheated on him but now I think that it was probably the other way around. That’s my guess - there might be more. I am trying not to dwell on it too much.

cstaff, you are right. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we got married /had a child together. I am absolutely horrified when I think about it. As much as it hurts, it’s better to end it now.

Ellenborough, i realise now that it was so stupid of me to ask if not meeting his friends/family after we’ve been together for 16 months was a red flag. I just know now that next time I won’t tolerate it for so long.

Good for you..these men are highly deceptive and have perfected their skills. They rely on trusting women who don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. That is the lesson I took away. I now see and hear when people push on my boundaries.

To reassure you I have just heard how Ex is charming his new woman. She is not stupid but is falling for his charm, he doesn't come over overly confident so it is very plausible. From the outside I can see how well he does this..he will have a motive but new woman doesn't know it yet.

I wouldn’t be able to rest until I found out what he is hiding, I’m dyyyinngg to know!!!