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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is that a red flag? Should I be worried?

246 replies

Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 01:51

Hello. Apologies for such a late message but I can’t sleep - too many things on my mind.
I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and we have been living together for the last 4 months. The thing is that I haven’t met anybody from his side. He hasn’t introduced me to his parents nor friends.
When asked, he says that he likes to keep it private and I never actually get to hear a good explanation or a reason.
Should I just leave it as I don’t want to be seen as the one who is forcing the issue? On the other hand, it does worry me. Is a sign of a lack of commitment on his side?
What do you think I should do?
Many thanks in advance for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 17:04

Hellsbellsmelons , I will stop doing his ironing for sure - it might all end up this weekend anyway! He would do shopping on his own and sometimes he would cook but I do the majority of household chores and cooking and I work full time as well.
He talks about his childhood sometimes and it sounds like he had had some hard times. His parents were not abusive but very regimental.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 12/04/2019 17:05

If his parents were crazy then he would tell you, honestly you are focusing on the wrong stuff. You are making this about him not showing commitment to you but its really about the risk that you are sharing your home with a man who won't reveal anything about his background.

A red flag thread had "no long term" friends as a warning as he shows he can not be consistent over the long term. Did the relationship move quickly at the start?

I am not suggesting you end the relationship without discussion but we are assuming you have tried to discuss and are being stonewalled.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 17:11

No, I wouldn’t say the relationship progressed too quickly at the start. I agree with all that you are saying. It was foolish of me to let him into my children’s and my life without meeting his friends and family first

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 17:12

There will be a big conversation tomorrow.

OP posts:
ShabbyAbby · 12/04/2019 17:16

I would be asking for Clare's law
Sounds very dodgy

HollowTalk · 12/04/2019 17:20

The thing is that it's inevitable there will be times when your children are alone with him, even for half an hour, and you know nothing about him at all. There is no verification from anyone else. I wouldn't call his friends 'friends' either as he never seems to see them.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 17:22

Just looked it up. Will request the information. Thank you.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 12/04/2019 17:22

I would check his passport and driving license that you have his real name then request under both Clare’s law and Sarah’s law.

There are many legitimate reasons why someone might be low or no contact with their family but the way he fobs you off over this rings alarm bells.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 17:23

People, I am sooooo stupid! What was I thinking about???

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 12/04/2019 17:25

This is a definite no for me. I can just about imagine not meeting family, especially if they aren’t close. But not meeting any friends?

And to be honest him saying this would PISS me off: it’s private. You are his private life! You became that when he moved in with you and your kids. You don’t then get to have a whole other private life. Wtf? I’m definitely not one for being in eachother’s pockets or having no separate friends, hobbies etc. But no, you don’t get a private life. I wouldn’t have moved him in with my kids in a million years.

Bringbackthestripes · 12/04/2019 17:51

16 months and you haven’t met a single person who he actually knows? And you let him move in? Shock Never mind he likes to keep it private-WTH is he hiding?

MumsyJ · 12/04/2019 17:52

Perhaps he's a ghost? 🤷‍♀️

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 12/04/2019 18:06

I think it sounds like he hasn’t told his parents/family/friends that he and his ex broke up.

forumdonkey · 12/04/2019 18:09

OP, how does it make you feel that he's denying your existence? It'd make me feel completely shit. For that reason alone I'd not stay in the relationship

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 12/04/2019 18:32

Who is his employer? Does he work from home full time? Why are you doing the majority of all the shitwork around the house ffs??

forumdonkey · 12/04/2019 18:33

He had his own place before moving in with you, what did he do with that?

SparklyMagpie · 12/04/2019 18:45

Yikes !! Big red flashing lights for me purely for the fact you have absolutely no idea about him

I could understand a little more on the parents front if he was no contact but he isn't and the fact nobody knows about you an you haven't even met his friends ?! And in my house with my children?! NOPE

I just split up with me ex 3 weeks ago and one little issue I had was not having met his mum and stepdad ( doesn't have a large family and no siblings) but hes never really been close to them and a few things had gone on so I was happy with that for the time.
But in the 10 months we were together he'd introduced me to his friends, quite early on actually as one had a child my DC's age, and I'd be invited out for meals an get togethers quite often, so that was enough for me

The fact that you'd feel practically like you don't exist, no way

I have to admit, I also had very uncomfortable feelings about the real reasons you are being hidden away

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 20:23

Right, folks, I got my answers today. We didn’t last till tomorrow and had a conversation tonight. In a nutshell, It turns out that it was all my fault. “If you had sorted all your shit out, I would be more inclined to cooperate and introduce you” - that was the quote of the evening. ”Sorting all the shit” means sorting my two teenage children who tbh can be quite challenging at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 20:25

He had his own place before moving in with me. He’s rented it out.

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 12/04/2019 20:29

It sounds like an excuse to me.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 20:29

Well, fuck that shit. Who does he think is?

Please tell me you're reconsidering this relationship! And stop doing things for him. And charge him rent.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 12/04/2019 20:30

Please don't tell me you believe this (pretty fucking insulting) bullshit???Hmm

OldAndWornOut · 12/04/2019 20:32

Ah well what d'ya know?
It's your fault. Of course!
Why didn't anyone think of that?

cafesociety · 12/04/2019 20:35

He's hiding something for sure, covering something up. I would move on. And he putting the blame onto you? WTF!

He's odd to say the least, and that explanation was nasty. How dare he talk to you and treat you like he does, as if you are unimportant and insignificant.

SparklyMagpie · 12/04/2019 20:35

There's your answer then!

Not only has he excluded you from his life, it's all your fault?

I hate to say but I had to snigger because that is one of the biggest bullshit excuses I've come across

Hope you're booting him out.

What an absolute sad dick