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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is that a red flag? Should I be worried?

246 replies

Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 01:51

Hello. Apologies for such a late message but I can’t sleep - too many things on my mind.
I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and we have been living together for the last 4 months. The thing is that I haven’t met anybody from his side. He hasn’t introduced me to his parents nor friends.
When asked, he says that he likes to keep it private and I never actually get to hear a good explanation or a reason.
Should I just leave it as I don’t want to be seen as the one who is forcing the issue? On the other hand, it does worry me. Is a sign of a lack of commitment on his side?
What do you think I should do?
Many thanks in advance for your advice.

OP posts:
Moneymachine · 12/04/2019 11:33

Is there anyway OP can check if her partner is an offender / cautioned for DV?

I understand where you are coming from OP. The fact that he does not “cooperate” in making you comfortable with the situation is the most concerning. Considerate partner would want to put your mind at ease - whatever it takes x

BiscuitDrama · 12/04/2019 11:36

Sorry, my post two above is not very clear.

  1. Facebook stuff- is he ‘in a relationship’ with you, have friends on there etc
  1. Does he talk about friends to you, does he go out with them and then tell you stories about the evening?
Bookworm4 · 12/04/2019 11:37

Do you know his parents, kids, ex names? You need to get your Sherlock hat on, this complete stranger is living with your kids.

Bookworm4 · 12/04/2019 11:38

You can make a request to the police regards sex offenders register or apply for a PVG/Disclosure check

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 11:39

He is not on Facebook. He does not like social media. He hardly ever goes out with his friends. The last time it happened was around Christmas time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 11:40

I’ve found his ex/kids on Facebook and whatever he said seems to be true.

OP posts:
Candymay · 12/04/2019 11:47

Sarahlou63 it’s just that this profile fits so well with someone leading a double life. Even more so with the working away in Europe. It happened in my family. I was the only one who knew and it caused huge problems and fractures that can’t be repaired but I know the signs. I grew up with it and I’m very astute. I really don’t mean to offend you but personally i would never be in a relationship with anyone without knowing the full background and meeting friends and family.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 11:49

I think when you are in a relationship, life should be better/easier. I don’t really want to be investigating (I ve done enough of that when I was married to my children’s father). If I need to investigate things, that means there are huge cracks in the relationship and is if worth fighting for considering the issues we have already and the length of time we’ve been together? I haven’t really slept last night and my thoughts are all over the place but I hope I am on the right track of thinking that maybe I should just let this relationship go.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 12/04/2019 11:50

Oh. You are so right. I'll LTB immediately. Thank you so much Blush

ciderhouserules · 12/04/2019 12:32

OP - I am NC with my father and my sister, DB can't be bothehred and lives 300 miles away.... My DP has met my mum briefly over coffee, and she lives 120 miles away! He obvs hasnt met the rest of my dysfunctional twatty family.

BUT - he knows about them, knows why I am NC, knows that they know about him.

You don't want to do any investigation? Why not - it's your children's childhood at risk. You already know that there are cracks in your relationship - YOU DON'T KNOW THIS MAN! Angry

FGS, for your kids' sake, find out who he is and why he lies so low.

Or, even better, chuck him, until you know who he is.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 12:39

You are absolutely right, ciderhouserules! I am very inclined to do the latter!

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 12/04/2019 12:46

yeah I had a dp like this, didn't meet any of his family in 4 years. (but I met his friends). when his mum died I told him to fuck off home until he'd got over it (we didn't live together). if I'd never met the woman I am not obliged to give a shit. interestingly, he didn't go home, so he was already over it.

forumdonkey · 12/04/2019 12:54

This isn't just a couple of members of his family he won't introduce you to or tell them about you, it's everyone. He's keeping you a secret from his parents, children and friends. In his life you don't exist.

I think it's very strange but putting to one side why he's doing it, how does it make you feel? If I was so insignificant in his life, I would make him insignificant in mine and I be asking him to leave. It'd make me feel shit if the man I loved wouldn't acknowledge me.

lifebegins50 · 12/04/2019 13:00

Op, when someone blocks you from knowing massive details of their life then it is a major red flag.

Ex was in limited contact with people from his previous married life but even I met his family. He made me feel "wrong: for asking and that should never be the case. You share a home and put your children at risk so no question should be off limits.

After our separation Ex deployed a scorched earth policy (not one person who knew us both is in contact with him) and I know this is because he has acted so badly that if he cuts off people then he can represent himself to his new gf in a positive light. He is trying to start afresh pretending he isn't the abusive person he actually is.

You have to assume that your p won't reveal his past because of sinister reasons. It is naive to put a more positive spin on this.

I am not sure how you will handle this as I suspect if you force him to talk you will not trust him anyway as nothing will make sense.

user1539506092 · 12/04/2019 13:07

What has he told his family @ friends about where he's currently living??

Bananalanacake · 12/04/2019 13:19

have you tried asking for his mum's number so you can introduce yourself/say happy birthday. if he refuses that should tell you something.

Sarahlou63 · 12/04/2019 13:35

There are so many threads where it's blindingly obvious that the OP should ditch their partner. In this case you have a relatively new relationship (when he last saw his parents at Christmas you hadn't moved in together based on your timeline) which seems to be perfectly normal - although you haven't said what your feelings are for him, other than that you've mentioned getting engaged. Do you love him?

Maybe his parents are Mormons/bigots/slobs/nudists/trainspotters or still madly enamoured of his ex wife? Maybe he doesn't like them very much and only does the duty visits? I really can't believe that you're planning to end it without having the conversation. Crazy.

NoCauseRebel · 12/04/2019 16:15

What address do his parents have for him? What phone number? In fact is anything registered in his name? If he was completely NC with his family then it wouldn’t be considered such a red flag that they not know about you, but the fact that he is still in contact with them and they know nothing about you is very troubling.

And you say he has friends? Who and where are these people? Has he ever named them? Could you look them up on FB for instance?

There is something deeply, deeply wrong here, and your children are right in the middle of it.

Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 16:16

I don’t think he told his parents that he lives with me. I am pretty sure that they think that he lives at his place.
Maybe I should ask him for his parents phone numbers so that I could wish them happy Easter and see how he reacts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 16:19

Sarahlou63, I see what you mean. I do love him and I am not going to end it without talking to him first and trying to get some answers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazygirl2019 · 12/04/2019 16:23

I am getting mixed messages - I love you on one hand and on the other hand I haven’t met anybody from his side which I have raised with him. No reasonable explanation on his part. I know that the relationship is still relatively new but he introduced his ex partner to his parents after 8 months which means that parents are completely mad. We ve been together for nearly double amount of that time and complete silence regarding his family. I know I shouldn’t be comparing past relationships but I can’t help it.

OP posts:
HopefulAgain10 · 12/04/2019 16:30

Pretty poor parenting on your part to have moved this man into your home with your children and be in this situation. Shouldnt you have asked this question before doing that?
He sounds very dodgy and I cant believe how reckless you were to expose your children to him. He literally could be anyone, even a runaway criminal. What do you know?

Seaweed42 · 12/04/2019 16:34

It's strange though. Does he talk about 'when I was a kid we used to always have sponge cake on Tuesday' type of thing.
Does he show you who he is via telling stories about his past? What type of work does he do at home?

Redglitter · 12/04/2019 16:37

I'd be wondering exactly what hes hiding. His excuses are ridiculous. Even if he isn't close to his parents that's no reason to.hide a relationship. Not meeting friends is even odder. Huge big red flag I'd say

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2019 16:39

Please stop doing his ironing
He's a grown up and can do his own.
I've never done a blokes ironing.
I hate ironing and avoid it at all costs.
He needs to learn to do things for himself.
Has he ever put a wash on?
Shopped on his own and cooked a nice meal for you?